Gruden To Vols, Saban To Browns, Dooley To Hell

     After yet another devastating loss to yet another SEC team who should have been beaten this past Saturday, UT athletic director Dave Hart was forced to take action.  His decision was made easier, however, thanks to a series of fortunate events that have propelled the Volunteers into the national spotlight.

    On Monday morning after the Vols’ unsettling loss in quadruple super-secret double-overtime to Missouri, multiple sources reported seeing none other than Nick Saban, head coach of Alabama, getting into the same limousine as Jon Gruden – the Super-Bowl-winning former head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and current prospective hire for the ailing Volunteer football program.  The sources, who prefer to remain anonymous due to their involvement in various slander and libel lawsuits – as well as being generally unsavory and untrustworthy characters – say the most significant component of the story is that the shared limo was owned by Jimmy Haslam, owner of the Cleveland Browns (as well as 79.4% of the entire University of Tennessee campus), and was departing for his mansion-estate in the secluded backwoods of the Appalachian mountains.

    Sources speculate that a deal is in the work that would pave the way for a resurgence of the Vols’ football program unparalleled in recent history.  While details are sparse, it is believed that the multi-billionaire Haslam is in talks to hire Saban to the struggling Cleveland Browns as head coach, summarily wrecking what is left of Alabama’s once-proud program after its embarrassing loss to SEC newbie Texas A&M, as well as providing the Browns with some semblance of becoming a competitive team for once.  Further, Haslam is believed to be lobbying for Jon Gruden to renegotiate his contract with ESPN, dropping him from anchorship of Monday Night Football.  This would give him eligibility to take the once-coveted head-coaching position at UT.

    Most importantly, the Vols’ have worked out a deal with Lucifer, the devil and Most Wicked One, in which the Dark Lord of All Evil has agreed to visit upon Derek Dooley “five hundred eternities of torment and excruciating punishment” in retribution for his mishandling of the final forty seconds of regulation in the Missouri game.  “I saw that and was like, what the f*ck,” said the ruler of all nine circles of Hell, “who doesn’t put the ball in the hands of your playmakers?  This is the worst thing since literally Hitler.”

    Further, researchers at The Tangerine’s crack investigative team have discovered an as-of-yet unaccounted-for year of eligibility for Volunteer hero Peyton Manning, who is expected to return to the university to play out his final year and return the school’s football program to the national spotlight.  In addition to Manning, the Vols can expect to return defensive end Leonard Little, defensive end Reggie White, linebacker Al Wilson, running back Travis Henry, safety Eric Berry, and wide receiver Peerless Price – who all have decided to exercise their rights to an extra year of eligibility as discovered by this publication.

    In other news, The Tangerine would like to officially rescind its pick of the Tennessee Vols as 2012-2013 national champions, and instead delay the pick one year hence.

By Tween Wolf

Almost A Year After His Death, Kim Jong Il Voted “Most Adorable Dictator”

    Nations around the world paused in shock last week when North Korea overlooked its isolationist policies to announce to the world that the country would be holding its first nationwide vote. Broadcast via morse code, it took several hours for recipient nations to take their telegraphs out of storage and remember how to use them before receiving the message. “We very technorogy,” the North Korean global broadcast read, “Vote very democratic. We modern. Very modern, everybody happy here.” The message, addressed to “The Infidels”, included information of the upcoming vote.
The vote would bestow the winner with the prestigious title, “Most Adorable Dictator”. The stakes were set high with no one knowing the outcome.

    Just hours after news of the voting reached the rest of the world, news networks flooded with coverage. Everyone attempting to make the most accurate predictions, it seemed that every news network boldly saw the contest as “too close to call”. CNN’s Anderson Cooper said Tuesday that there was a 65% it could be Kim Jong Il while there was a 35% chance it could also be Kim Jong Il. Competing networks saw this prediction to be “premature” and “jumping the gun”. Others asked further into the matter. “Are they voting for Kim Jong Il while he ruthlessly dictated or Kim Jong Il as he ruthlessly decomposes?” a man asked upon hearing of the voting, “Seriously, though. One is significantly less adorable.”

    After the suspenseful week, North Koreans hit the polls to cast their ballots with extremely high voter turnout--at an unheard of 100%. As stoic troops armed with automatic weapons stood by, citizens happily enjoyed the democratic process. A leak of the ballot revealed that it contained three spaces for voting options which included: Kim Jong Il, Supreme Leader, and Father of Kim Jong Un. After learning of this, news networks further concluded that “it really is too close to call”.

    Polls closed in the following hours and a winner was declared with miraculous speed. In fact, Kim Jong Il was declared the winner the second the last vote was cast.

“We so quick counting votes, our machines superior,” the follow-up broadcast declared, “Kim Jong Ir most adorabre!”

    A reply in morse code asserting that the country officials hadn’t even counted the votes, but had just declared Kim Jong Il as the victor were met with an irate reply of, “CHUTT UP! KIM JONG IR MORE ADORABRE THAN YOU!!!”

    Though it can’t be confirmed, celebration is suspected within the country. However, from the North Korean border, guards say North Korea looks just as oppressed and bleak as usual.

    “Kim Jong Ir so handsome!” A North Korean probably would’ve told reporters if the country weren’t in blackout, “We all ruv him!”

by Jillson

Meteorite hits UTK

    Students at the University of Tennessee - Knoxville have recently experienced a strange phenomenon that has made worldwide news. Several extraterrestrial meteorites plummeted to the Earth and hit the area between the University Center and Massey Hall. The area is, for now, closed off to student and public view by iron gates surrounding the vicinity. Most students and faculty of university are ignorant of the cause of this, and when asked about its purpose, senior Shelly McCannon responded that she “figured it was construction work, just like everywhere else on campus”. However, Chancellor Jimmy Cheek has told newspaper reporters the truth, telling us to “pinky promise” that we wouldn’t tell anyone.

    “It was on Monday when I saw the meteorites fall. I saw them land and decided to brave the outside world to see what it was. At about four in the morning, I ventured out, assuming most students would be in bed or too drunk to notice me. What I found was three chunks of rock just sitting by the UC, words in different languages all over them.” His eyes grew wide and he frantically waved his hands around his face. “IT WAS CRAZY! The aliens are trying to tell me something. I just know it!”

    After all the reporters left Cheek, breaking their pinky-promises, they hurriedly scrambled to the site of the supposed impact. Once there, reporters jumped the fence in attempt to see these meteorites first-hand (expecting them to be giant frozen balls of space poop). Much to their surprise, however, no such artifacts were found.

    Tangerine reporters turned to the people walking beside the fence, who were paying no heed to its presence. After stopping a few of them and asking if they knew anything about a meteorite hitting campus, all replied no, except one homeless man who wanted money.

    Interestingly enough, students were not shocked to hear about such an event. In fact, they seemed highly indifferent to the news. Robert Doe, a junior at UTK, even replied, “Dude, that chick from the grudge could be there and I wouldn’t even care. I just want the path to be open again so that I can get to my damn classes.”

    Researchers were eventually brought into the area to investigate, but no meteorites have been found. All that was there were a few beer bottles and a used condom. Cheek, however, still swears that there is a meteorite somewhere inside this gated facility.

    “They’re going to get me! They want my job!” He exclaimed loudly, pointing to thin air as if the creatures were standing there. “WHY DOESN’T ANYONE BELIEVE ME?!”

By Slim Shay Tee

Knox County Man Deserves Punch In and Around Face

    A North Knox County man who reportedly works at a Pizza Hut, has a rebel flag chest tattoo, and posts racist rants on Facebook has many residents wondering: Should someone punch him in the face?

    Michael Dunker, 43 who lives with his mother off of 1-75, has spent the last few years “getting on his feet”. While looking for a steady job, Dunker spends his nights scouring liberal message boards for chances to correct spelling and display his pride in his race and genitalia.

    Dunker is most recently famous for starting a petition to deport all “non-whites” to the land of their ancestors, in an effort to make America “a cleaner place”. The petition has garnered 13 of its needed 25,000 signatures to be reviewed by legislative bodies.

    Sarah Hyle, a neighbor of Dunker, and vocal activist in the non profit “Punch Michael Dunker in the Face” organization, is leading a petition of her own, asking for the Mayor of Knox County to plant a firm set of punches into the face of Michael Dunker. With the help of the Internet, Hyle has garnered an impressive 7,982 signatures, with only 500 needed for local government’s consideration.
    “I grew up with Michael, and from the first day I met him, I’ve hated him with a pretty strong passion. He used to kill cats around the block and put them in people’s pools.”

    Recalling one of her only fond memories of the local menace, Hyle reported, “One time in middle school he got caught masturbating in the bathroom. He didn’t show up to school for two months. Two glorious months.”

    When asked to be interviewed for this story, Dunker refused, citing liberal media bias, and the “brown color” of our reporter. 

    The Tangerine has decided to endorse punching Michael Dunker in the face.

by Boolean Kapur

Middle East Kicks Off Annual Game of Rocket-Tag

    In a tradition unrivaled by countries across the globe, the Middle East kicked off its annual game of rocket tag with a bang.

    This year Israel, Pakistan, Lebanon, Egypt and Saudi Arabia are the early contenders for the “parlak büyük patlama patlaması” (loosely translated to big explosion boom shiny), with Turkey and Lebanon leading the dark horse picks.

    The festivities of the yearly bout include mass grieving, street explosions, innocent loss of life, and spotty coverage on major U.S. news agencies.

    “The year is not complete without this grand tradition,” exclaimed Abdul Hiragni, a Pakistani plumber who eagerly showed off his new shoulder mount rocket launcher just for the occasion. “I can’t wait to hike up the nearby mountain top, enjoy an authentic Arabic picnic with my family and launch a high powered heat seeking missile straight in the direction of Israel. Afterwards, I’m taking the family out for ice cream.”

    Meanwhile, the country of Jordan is furious at the Middle Eastern Rocket Tag Commision’s decision to ban the country from this year’s games due to reports of improper use of funds used to purchase extra weaponry for the countries residents.

    “We are out here busting our necks, working 12 hours a day just to compete in the games,” a somber Jordanian woman testified to the committee. “It’s all we have to look forward to with our economy the way it is.”

    “How do you suggest we go home to our grandchildren, sit them on our lap, and tell them they can’t run through neighboring countries streets with assault rifles, pistols, or even knives, taking out everything in their path. I know these are cruel times, but tell me you aren’t taking this away from the children. It’s all they have to live for,” the Jordanian went on to plead.

    Despite their desperate attempts, Jordan is expected to sit out the year.

    Meanwhile, Egypt is prepping what promises to be their biggest showing in the games to date. President Mohamed Morsi Isa El-Ayyat has declared a national work week to prepare for the ruin and destruction of national monuments and historical landmarks throughout the small country.

    “We love this time of year,” the president exclaimed. “There’s just so much dust, joy, and blood in the air. And the tourists really seem to get a kick out of it.”

    The games will begin next Tuesday with the annual dictatorship revolution ball hosted in the recently cleared Libya.

by Boolean Kapur

Republicans Flee to Canada

    In the contentious months leading up to the 2012 presidential election, many Republicans began to threaten to move to Canada if Mitt Romney was not victorious. In the wake of Barack Obama’s reelection, thousands of red-staters made good on that promise and fled to the Great White North. However, these proud conservatives have been shocked and disheartened to discover that Canada is not at all what they had hoped.    

    “I’s decided to leave cuz of Obamacare,” said expatriate, Cleetus Barnes, “But, then I get to Canada and they’s got free health care too! I gashed my hand in a PBR chugging accident and gots some excellent medical attention – 12 stiches without paying one damn cent.” Barnes continued, “It’s some socialism bullshit is what it is!”

    Cleetus is hardly the only Republican to be disillusioned by Canada’s political climate. Chick-Fil-A enthusiast Lauren Smith also expressed concerns. “I was horrified to see Maine, Maryland, and Washington vote to allow the gays to marry; I refused to raise my children in a country with that kind of godless equality.”

   Yet, upon relocation to Toronto, White soon learned that Canada had legalized same sex marriage years ago. “I should have known the moment I saw their flag; the maple tree is by far the gayest of all deciduous forest vegetation,” she seethed.

   White added, “And flag rhymes with my favorite homophobic slur, which reminds me of several dozen bible verses that I will now quote verbatim…”

   Other common complaints from right-wing emigrants include the greater difficulty in purchasing firearms, the “queer-ass French talk,” and, most importantly, the complete lack of NASCAR.

   Many incensed conservatives from the American Southwest took a different approach to escape the Obama administration – moving to Mexico. But, they too face serious problems. 

  John Whiteman, a Tea Party activist, gave voice to these issues. “I thought that Arizona was having trouble subduing illegal immigration, but Mexico is entirely overrun! Everywhere I turn, I see Mexicans; they have got to get this under control. Most of these immigrants don’t even speak English… it’s disgraceful.”

   Whiteman also cited local cuisine as a drawback, “They should open more authentic restaurants, like Taco Bell and Chipotle; I haven’t had a single chalupa since the move.”

by Mo Money

Secret Society Not as Secret After You Read This Article

    Do you know about the secret organizations that lie within the UT system?  Inside this fine establishment lurks a mysterious organization, one that dates back to the times of gardens and naked people.  A trusted source whom shall remain unnamed, Derek Dooley, has leaked precious secrets surrounding this alleged group.

    According to our unnamed source, this society’s name is so long, complicated, and convoluted that they now are to be simply referred to as the “Ro’Bed Society.”  Though none of what they have accomplished can be confirmed, it is speculated that they are responsible for starting the tradition of the football players running through the power T.  It is also rumored that they built Neyland Stadium with their bare hands, utilizing many illegal Mexicans as well (most of which passed away due to abhorrent working conditions and sheer exhaustion).

    Most recently, they can be accredited with adding curvy couches to the Commons, putting spinny desks in HSS, and, most important, forming Sorority Village to look like a large, big, black, crooked penis.   Rumor has it that the Ro’Bed Society will reshape Fraternity Park to look like a giant ass. 

    Though they act as righteous, secretive Good Samaritans, they still face much adversity.  One Saturday night, some key members, who shall be known as Orange Julius, Chocolate Drop, and Dark Sniper, encountered resistance from UT’s finest.  An innocent game of robed football in the Fort resulted in members of the Ro’Bed society being fired upon by those meant to protect and serve.  A witness named Meeja reported, “The police kept trying to plant a gun on Chocolate Drop. I never thought I would witness brutality of that kind.  They tried to take them in for indecent exposure just for playing football in their robes.”  All three members are, indeed, recovering from such a traumatic experience.

    Trouble doesn’t end there for the group, though.  Last night, an official challenge was issued from the university’s other secret society, the Scarabbean Society.  Their leader, Adam Roddy, the current SGA President, formally stated, “I would like to invite this alleged Ro’Bed Society to a joust on Shield-Watkins Field.”  Since the Scarabs will be coached by Derek Dooley, the Ro’Bed Society has decided to accept their challenge.  Just in case there is an upset and Dooley can pull a win out of his ass, Chocolate Drop, who is a minority, has alerted the Vice Chancellor of Civility and Diversity that a hate crime is about to occur.  The Ro’Bed Society feels confident that this new administrator and the Center for Leadership and Service will fight on their side.

    No matter the outcome, the Ro’Bed society will always stand for secrecy, inappropriate jokes, and, of course, the right to wear our robes whenever we damn well please!

by Chocolate Thunder

Obama to Comfort Knoxville Earthquake Survivors

    Saturday, around 11 in the morning, an earthquake the likes of which Knoxville has ever seen brought its fury to our city. For some, this tragedy will never be forgotten; for others, this tragedy will never be remembered (because they were sleeping off the events from the night before), but one thing is for certain: our lives will never be the same again.

    The aftermath of this earthquake - this ground splitting, life altering earthquake - has prompted a visit from none other than President Obama himself. The president said he will “haul ass to Knoxville” as soon as it will be politically acceptable for him to leave the northeast. “With all honesty,” said our commander-in-chief during an interview with Anderson Cooper, “I welcome a change of location. Yes, I know it’s Tennessee. But I’m getting a little tired of giving hugs and kisses to hurricane victims. A nice earthquake might do the trick.” Obama is currently working on a speech for the Knoxville earthquake survivors. Titled ‘picking up the pieces: hope and change for a Tennessee without Dooley’ will surely console the hearts and strengthen the morale of these humble folks.

    When Misfortune decides to be a bitch, it doesn’t just give you one hit at a time but a million. Survivor Katie Pobst, a freshman, shared her devastating story to the Tangerine in an effort to spread awareness. “I was already having a bad day! My hair went flat. And then I felt my chair shake. And then I went to the game and we got creamed!” Pobst and her sorority sisters have recently created a facebook page as a means to connect other victims and offer support. Survivor John Donahue likewise is doing what he can for the cause such as giving inspirational Bible passages and trying different methods of fundraising. He tweeted “money, cheez-its, tubes, funnels, etc.. much needed and appreciated.”

        One may ask the question, ‘Why, Oh God, why us?’ If you suspected from the moment you felt your bed rattle that this was no freak accident, no simple ‘some geographic plates were moving’ crackpot theory, you would be correct! As it happens, December 21, 2012 is coming upon us. In a month’s time you will be having Armageddon knocking or your door and this earthquake was just a littler taster, a little pre-game, for what is to come…

by Frau Blucher

Rumorz Experience Truly Heavenly

    Across UT’s campus, whispers of a certain establishment that has the ability to grant one’s every hope and dream have been spreading. I had heard the whispers of such a place – rumors one may say – but I had never actually ventured there. However, upon the failure of last week’s football game, I yearned for excitement to replace this void in my life. I finally decided to explore the amazing wonders purportedly in store at Rumorz, but nothing could have prepared me for the night I was to experience.

    Upon entering this fine facility, I was asked by a burly man to show my ID. I can only venture a guess that it got me into some secret club, because then I was able to buy a strange golden liquid. With a smell of bread, the liquid they called “beer” warmed my throat as I drank it throughout the night. As my time at Rumorz went on, I became happier and happier as my mood elevated to a level of total rapture. Suddenly, I had the ability to conquer my fears of public speaking as well as my discomfort with the idea of indecent exposure. Indeed, I was the master of my domain! I don’t know what Rumorz puts in that “beer” stuff, but it holds the key to world peace and total serenity.

        Even my fellow patrons of Rumorz shared the friendliest demeanor I have ever experienced.  Throughout the night, men I had never seen kept calling me their brother, and the women seemed particularly fond of me. You can imagine my surprise when one lovely lady wanted to escort me home. In fact, she was even too upset to say goodbye when I promptly closed my door and left her outside.

        The only peculiar thing about my visit to Rumorz happened on the day afterwards. All of my new-found brothers claimed they didn’t even remember me. Plus, a forty year old woman kept calling me her lover and wouldn’t leave my porch.

    Overall, I would recommend Rumorz to anyone willing to have a truly amazing adventure. I award Rumorz ten standing ovations out of five stars.

    Please drink responsibly.

by Totally-Unbiased-Reviewer

Students Relieved at Timeliness of Commons Renovations

    Students at UT are happy to see that The Commons area of the library was successfully completed on time and totally not delayed by nearly half a semester. By the time classes ended last semester, work was underway for the new renovations in Hodges library, leading some students to worry work would drag on with little to no appreciable benefit. Fortunately, the work was definitely completed on time, and absolutely no hindrance was passed on to students whatsoever.

    Megyn Dripschell, a sophomore majoring in Medieval Tapestry Techniques, was one of those happy to see the library open in such a timely manner.

    “I was actually worried that everyone would be packed into the first floor like sardines waiting to print off homework, glaring daggers at the guy Facebook stalking his ex, all while waiting basically two and a half months for the university to finish some bullshit revisions to the Commons,” she said. “Good thing THAT didn’t happen.”

    Carl Westin, junior double majoring in fratting and butt-chugging, was also pleased with the new look of The Commons.

    “Can you imagine how pissed off everyone would be if they waited until almost the end of the semester just to unveil new flooring and that they knocked down a wall? Thank god that didn’t happen…”

    The new Commons comes complete with newer versions of the same computers, the same style of couches, and basically nothing new except for large computer monitors one can plug their laptop into. However, that last part will come in handy for the one time a year students have a group project they end up doing all by themselves.

    The library was fortunate to have kept the same pace as renovations in the HSS building, which started its own renovation this summer at about the same time. Despite the fact that HSS is bigger and entire classrooms were torn out instead of what happened in Hodges, the two projects were essentially done in the same amount of time, and there’s no way that the more labor-intensive HSS renovations took LESS time than the comparatively moderate Hodges changes.

    Lydia Kophertan, junior majoring in pine tree psychology, was also glad that her tuition money was well spent. “It sure is great having macs we can check out, but what is even better is knowing that I took out loans to pay for a slightly newer version of the same thing. The Commons’ renovations are the iPhone 5 of construction projects. We get essentially the same thing. We are just being told over and over that it is far superior from what we had before until we believe it. I am so glad I majored in psychology,” she said.


by Archibald Krakenbarger

Pretend Zombies Face Real Bullets

By Jillson

An innocent fundraiser took a turn for the worst on Friday as a pretend zombie attack for the Zombie 5k Run was much too realistic. The event took place on Pedestrian on Friday evening, coincidentally at the same time that 55-year-old hermit, Louis Durr, was making his annual trip into town to restock on supplies.

Durr, who had spent fifteen years in isolation in anticipation of a zombie apocalypse, was armed with a personal arsenal composed of several guns, knives, tear gas, a machete and even hand-held grenades. Paranoid of a sudden attack, encountering the unfortunately dressed volunteer race officiators forced Durr into instant action. Upon seeing the zombie volunteers terrorizing the runners, he began to open fire, slaying twenty and injuring thirteen.

The scene grew even more gruesome as onlookers unaware of the themed race began to join Durr’s forces, some even resorting to physically fighting the “zombies”. Some ran in terror, while others could finally justify all the time they’d spent planning what they would do in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

The sound of gunfire was at first thought by runners to be pre-planned and intended to enhance the realistic quality of the race, but were quickly disillusioned after crossing the finish line. Participants running from zombie race volunteers screamed with childlike playfulness as their zombie assailants collapsed behind them after being shot. “This race feels so real!” One girl shouted, giggling as she leapt over a zombie sprawled out on the path in front of her. “Tee hee!” she added.

It wasn’t until the zombie actors finally were heard screaming, “I’m not really a zombie!” and “Please, don’t shoot me!” that the attackers realized their mistake.

UT Police arrived on the scene in the following minutes. Upon seeing the bloodshed, several officers admitted feeling regret for not being there for something that would potentially remind them of why they decided to be policemen in the first place.

“Shit got real,” a student who witnessed the event said in reaction, “Shit got real, real fast.”
Greif counseling has been made available to all students affected by the absurdly coincidental tragedy.

The main psychologist involved on campus made a statement at a support group meeting in the days following. “It was for a good cause,” she said, unwittingly providing no comfort to the affected students.

An anonymous source also commented on the event, “Just one zombie can infect millions,” they said in a disconcertingly emotionless, matter-the-fact tone, “sometimes you have to make sacrifices.”

Many Call for Firing After Bad Season

        Rumors are flying around Knoxville that the University of Tennessee is looking into replacing one of its new hires.

       Faced with recent disappointing numbers and a lackluster performance, particularly for this year, the boosters have looked into replacing Jimmy Cheek as chancellor.

       “I know he has only been here about four years, but he was hired promising us results as a Top-25 school, and it just isn’t happening,” an anonymous academic booster said.

       Many students have also recently expressed their concerns about Cheek at his position.

       “The latest numbers from the American Academic Board have us slipping, fast. At the beginning of the year, we were all anyone was talking about! Everyone had high hopes that this was our year to rise up, and now look at us. Vegas had us picked to do well this year,” Rebecca Cumplimos, junior in Senegalese furniture manufacturing, said.

        After being ranked for the first time in five years, UT quickly slipped from the weekly rankings conducted by the USA today on top schools.

       “He was hired with the understanding that he would bring our lackluster academic program back from the dumps and make us champions again. I know it takes time to build a strong program from almost nothing, but come on; it’s been four years! We had a shot this year and we blew it. Something around here has to change,” said a second academic booster who declined to be named, citing still ongoing negotiations.

     “LEAVE MY BABY ALONE. HE IS DOING THE BEST HE CAN.” Said Cheek’s mother in a call to a local radio station. “None of you grumps have any idea what my baby is going through. It is so hard to run a university these days… give me one university chancellor who knows what the heck diversity even means, and I won’t have to show you whose boss!”

     The Diversity Chancellor, is a top pick, and is Cheek’s last hope to possibly salvage his career. “Hopefully, our newest recruit will be able to pull in more academically oriented students from areas like Memphis, Atlanta, South Chicago, and other areas that are prone to academic hardships.” the chancellor then submitted, “And I wouldn’t mind if they brought along some of their athletic friends as well.”

       Just this week, rumors were flying on the Internet that UT was in negotiations with Joe Grierden, former Chancellor of the University of Tampa Bay, who led his 2002-2003 school to victory in Academic League Bowl. Grierden has been an announcer for the Scripps National Spelling Bee for the last three years.

 By Archibald Krakenbarger

UT Alerts Actually Save Someone

    Recently, The University of Tennessee has made it a point to make their future students sign up at orientation for what they refer to as “UTK Alerts”. This system sends text messages and emails to students about recent crime activity in or near the area. Megan Zaine, a junior at UTK, signed up for this service her freshman year, but was unaware of how it was going to save her life.

    Miss Zaine was walking to Clement on October 3, 2012 around 10 pm. She was coming from Fort Sanders, a location infamous for a large amount of criminal activity. She suddenly felt her bright pink iPhone vibrate and her LMFAO ringtone blare. When she checked her messages, she found a mysterious text from a UTK Alert. All that was written in the cute, hot pink font of her phone was “duck.”

    She claims that at first, she “didn’t understand such a complex text.” But she figured she should listen to it, because “the all-knowing UTK knows what is best.” She proceeded to lower her head and “duck”. Sure enough, a bullet whizzed right over the girl’s hunched body.

    Zaine claims she could hear yelling of some altercation far off in the distance, presumably where the UTPD states “the bullet came from.” Shaken and frightened, Megan looked back at her phone after hearing the “Party Rock Anthem” go off once again. This time, the text read, “GTFO the road and RUN, BITCH!”

    Zaine did not hesitate. She took off on Clinch Avenue toward Clement, spending the least amount of time in Fort Sanders as possible. After she safely made it off the road, she could distinctly hear a flurry of bullets fire off down the area she was just standing. She, fortunately, managed to make it safely back to her dorm.

    “Like, I could be DEAD,” Megan Zaine stated to reporters when asked about her experience, “Thank God I talked myself into not skipping orientation and signed up for these things. It saved my life.” She shook her head and shrugged. “I mean, come on. If I had died before that bitch Jessica, I would’ve been, like, SO embarrassed.”

By Slim Shay Tee

Torch Extinguished, Panic Ensues

By Dick Burns

Last Saturday members of UT’s campus witnessed a nearly unprecedented event. No, not our football team once again falling short against a ranked opponent. For the first time in twenty-five years the ever-burning flame of the Torchbearer statue at Circle Park has been extinguished.

  “In all of my time here at UT, I have never seen that torch flame go out,” says freshman Herbert Clemens who, according to his Facebook, is majoring in “keg stands” and “slaying vag.”

  While this has left many confused and questioning, for others this occurrence brought out other emotions.

  “I just, I just, walking past that statue every day, knowing it would always be burning, it just, it always gave me hope that, that, maybe one day, I don’t know, maybe our football team would… I don't know, win a game in October or something,” said one student before walking away in an uncontrollable sob.

  But what was the cause of all this? According to witnesses, UT Police took time away from fighting the “bad guys” to close off the area where the statue stands. Witnesses say there were also several emergency vehicles on site Saturday, including one mini ambulance.

  According to the University of Tennessee’s director of emergency management, Brian Gard, UT campus has one mini ambulance reserved for emergency situations involving small children and midgets.

  “We, unfortunately, had a malfunction with one of our newest initiatives in making UT a more eco-friendly campus,” said UT Office of Sustainability manager Larry Berd.

  According to an official statement by the University of Tennessee, as a part of the Make Orange Green Campaign, the university decided to move away from their original fuel source of “a shit ton of coal” to a more efficient and innovative “cycling” fuel system recently implemented by companies such as Nike and Ralph Lauren.

  One of campus’ lesser known construction projects of the 2011 year was building a fuel room below the Torchbearer statue that would allow for one worker to ride a stationary bike that would fuel the torch flame at all times.

  “It’s like we had a little hamster in there or something,” says Berd. “We even had a little water bottle dropper and a food dish and everything. We thought conditions were acceptable, but unfortunately we may have miscalculated.”

  As it turns out, one Mr. Xing Wang Dong passed away Saturday from exhaustion, causing the flame to go out. The office of Chancellor Jimmy Cheek declined comment, saying that Cheek could not give a statement at this time because he is very busy looking through his office for an important mail-in rebate.

  This untimely death creates a vacancy for one of UT’s new green jobs: Torch Bearer Flame Guy. The position is open to all campus and Knoxville community members, but will probably be filled by an illegal immigrant. The job requirements include a willingness to work for long hours in blistering heat without a break and a burning passion to give one’s all for Tennessee. Experience riding stationary bikes is a plus, but not necessary.

  “I’m really glad go to see UT is finally taking the steps towards being a greener, more eco-friendly campus,” said Clemens.

Hipster Falls into Grate: Now Underground

Earlier this week, tragedy struck the hipster community at UT. A young man, who goes by the name of Tobias Rudolfer, real name Ted Baker, slipped through the grate in Presidential Court in front of Carrick. He had been smoking a cigar with his friends, wearing a tight striped shirt tucked into a pair of skinny purple corduroys. His purposefully messy black hair was covered partially by a tiny beanie and Ray Bans adorned the top of his head. While standing up to gawk at some mainstreamers coming out of the Chick-Fil-A, Tobias took a wrong step and slipped right through the grate. His mystical powers that let him to slip into his skinny jeans undoubtedly kicked into effect to allow him to fall straight through the grate. His friends attempted to climb in after him, but were forced out by his constant yelling about not understanding him because he was too far underground. Now thoroughly pissed off, his friends quickly dialed campus police using a retro phone headset connected to their new iPhone 5.

    When more people began to circle about the grate, showing concern for the fallen boy, his friends left, claiming that worrying for his safety had become ‘too mainstream.’ The police showed up soon after, having just come from Dunkin’ Donuts. After some murmuring that sounded vaguely like, “You’ve got to be freaking kidding me,” campus police used a crowbar and brute strength to pop open the grate and rescue the tiny hipster. A UT campus alert was sent out. It reads: “Roses are red, violets are blue, our students are stupid, in everything they do.”

This reporter got an exclusive interview with Tobias. He was a bit shaken by the whole ordeal, but showed relief at being rescued from his metal prison. Unfortunately, his Vans could not be salvaged, and a memorial service will be held tomorrow at 3:17 a.m. next to the grate. Tobias plans to spend his Thanksgiving break recovering from this trauma. He will be vacationing in the hipster capital of the world: Portland, Oregon.
This drama has brought to light serious issues involving the safety of the hipsters on campus. If you see a hipster in trouble, point and laugh, take a picture, and then call campus police immediately.

By Anita Knapp

College Students “Really Don’t Care,” Report

In last Tuesday’s Presidential Debate, a controversial question surfaced regarding the political involvement of college students. When asked how he plans to appeal to the collegiate demographic, President Obama furrowed his brow and responded with a suspicious glance around the room, and then a sympathetic sigh, “You guys actually think they vote?” Met with only precarious silence, there was a heavy air of unformed opinion until opposing candidate Mitt Romney let out a boisterous chuckle. The audience, then sure of its social acceptability, began to laugh exuberantly; a middle aged woman reportedly pulled out pictures of her college-age son and laughed, “Ha ha ha, he probably doesn’t know there’s even an election.”

However, news of the statement on college campuses across America has not been so well-received.
Just minutes after the accusation, a student at University of Georgia reportedly fell from his second-story balcony, bruising his right arm. He later told reporters, “That was purely coincidental. The railing broke.”
Many other students have also conveyed frustrations about the event. On Sunday, a student attending the University of Alabama opened up to voters, “I thought his name was Herman Cain?”  At other institutions across the country, students have been seen carrying on as normal and as though nothing ever happened. In an opinion poll, 0% of students responded, indicating that 100% could potentially be upset by the comment.
A group of students attending colleges from across the country paused to consider the issue in their spare time at an engineering conference in the days following; various collections of students showed evidence of extreme empathy before turning back to their dinner table and resuming their conversation from where it left off.

Such disinterest has sparked an epidemic of false optimism across older generations concerned about America’s political future. After experiencing chronic stress over younger generations being incorporated into a working society, many have completely repressed any knowledge of it. Some have gone so far as to completely block out everything young people say. Employing the phrase “Ignorance is bliss,” a record number of middle-aged adults have gone to measures such as imagining scenarios in which young people care about issues with a closer impact, like matters pertaining to local government. Others have very practically purchased stress balls.

For further investigation, a survey was conducted among undergraduate students. Then, after surveys were left sitting in mailboxes untouched nationwide, a second, identical survey was conducted and sent to adults living among young people, so that they could put the effort into responding on their behalf. After learning that their parents were interested in the results, many students stated that they “kind of resented it more.”

By Jillson

Romney Promises to Get Tough on Alabama

 In a nod to voters throughout the SEC, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said yesterday that if elected president he promises to crack down on the state of Alabama.

   “Alabama is pretty much just terrible. If it wants to stay a part of this country, it needs to get its act together or we will be forced to just let them go,” Romney said at a rally today.

   “The South is a fantastic place, full of beautiful women and always something to do... until you get to Alabama. Jesus H. f’ing Christ what a terrible place it is! Just miles and miles of hillbillies and racists,” he said.

   Alabama has the 4th lowest high school graduation rate in the country, and is six percentage points behind the rest of the nation on people with at least a B.S. or  B.A.

   “I was just giving a tour to foreign businessmen trying to convince them to invest here. And when we got to the Alabama state line... Christ all-f’ing mighty it was like we landed in Syria, the place was so desolate and depressing! I have spun some bull-shit in my time, believe me, but when you are staring at a family of in-bred rednecks living in shacks, and placing bets on pig wrestling, it is pretty hard to convince businesses to invest.”  He continued, “And doesn’t help that they are some of the fattest sons-of-bitches in the country either.  Did I mention one of them started crying because he literally thought he got his father’s cow pregnant. Holy shit.”

   In response, the Alabama legislature, panting and wheezing at the effort to stand up to vote, passed a symbolic resolution applauding Romney’s core commitment to conservative and pro-business values.

   “If I can stand up….ugh, oh wait, dagnabbit! Someone catch me!! Oh tarnation, that was a close one. Anyway, we are just proud we have someone running for office who truly understands America and how to run a country. In business, the only logical thing to do when a person or project is taking up too much money and not giving anything back is just to let them go. This is yet another way Obama has screwed up this nation. He should have fired us here in Alabama decades ago. The man is a failure,” the state house speaker said.  “Roll Tide,” the speaker concluded.


By Archibald Krakenbarger

Bray Announces Lawsuit

Knoxville, TN – In a Tuesday morning press conference, University of Tennessee quarterback Tyler Bray announced that he would be filing harassment charges against several opposing defenses.

This season Bray has already thrown 10 interceptions, taken numerous hits, and led the team to 5 losses. He feels that this is a direct result of bullying and intimidation, calling Georgia, South Carolina, Florida, Mississippi State, and Alabama defenders “a bunch of jerks.”

    Bray clarified, “Look, I’m just out there on the field trying to mind my own business, and these guys are being really mean. How do you expect me to throw touchdowns when they keep intercepting all of my passes?”

    A clearly shaken Bray spoke of the irreparable harm done to his fragile self-esteem: “I didn’t do anything to them, but these defenses keep knocking me down and telling me that my orange jersey looks stupid. They’re just… they’re just butt-heads!” he choked out through the tears.

As Bray broke down and wept, he attempted to throw the microphone to his attorney, Lance Grisham, but it sailed far to the right and out of bounds. Though forced to use his “outside voice,” Grisham continued, saying of his client, “Tyler is a great kid, who does not deserve this kind of treatment. We trust that the NCAA will take these allegations very seriously and launch a full investigation into the defenses in question.”

A top official with the NCAA responded, “We do not take these allegations very seriously and will not be launching an investigation into any SEC defenses, except maybe for Tennessee’s, as it has come to our attention that they can’t stop shit... BURN!”

When reached for comment in his office, Tennessee head coach, Derek Dooley, sighed, shook his head, and began packing up his desk.

 By Mo Money

Students Search for Supposed “Dry Campus”

   The University’s reputation for being a party school has overshadowed the little known fact that we are officially a dry campus. Incoming freshmen scoff when told this at orientation, and immediately disregard it. However, as more people get into booze-induced misadventures, their sober counterparts search for a haven: the ever elusive ‘dry campus.’ Although we may not know where it is, we continue our hunt, convinced that it must exist somewhere. However, morale declines as students see the shot glasses in the bookstore, and think to themselves, “Is nowhere safe?”

    Even the professors seem to disregard this obscure rule. Many of them can be seen discretely sipping out of their pocket flasks every time a student spins completely around in a chair in the Humanities building or the entire class starts packing up five minutes before class ends. As students become more annoying throughout a class period, the professors become sloppier with their drinking habits. They leave the flask out on the table or slosh its contents onto their shirt. Unfortunately the slurring of the inebriated chemistry professors does nothing to help the students understand their already broken English.

    One would assume that the residence halls, filled with impressionable freshmen, would house this sanctuary. But judging from the shouts issuing from Presidential Courtyard late at night, one can only assume that the freshmen have been tainted with the scent of flavored Vodka and Natty Light. When asked about the whereabouts of the dry campus, one resident of Morrill said, “I think it’s on the engineering floors. I never hear any noise coming from there.” When The Tangerine’s investigatory team looked into it, they concluded that there is indeed no alcohol on the fourth and fifth floors of Morrill Hall. Students seeking refuge from their inebriated schoolmates are advised to take shelter here. However, take care not to make loud noises, as the engineers tend to be very skittish. Also, girls should avoid wearing low cut shirts so as not to cause hormone-induced heart attacks.

 By Anita Knapp

Butter Not Mess with PAULA DEEN

Next Tuesday, Paula Deen will be hosting a city-wide “Appreciation of Butter” festival in Knoxville.  The festival comes in response to city officials considering cracking down on supposedly  “unhealthy” foods such as deep-fried twinkies, chocolate-covered bacon, and Epic Meal Time’s Fast Food Lasagna.  While officials claim the proposed measures would merely apply to city-operated institutions, Paula Deen was quick to join the chorus of mostly overweight and diabetic citizens decrying the new stipulations.

“We will never let them take away our God-given rights to a hamburger cooked in its own grease, lathered in cheese, covered in bacon, and sandwiched between two donuts,” Deen said at a rally Thursday evening.  “Butter is slippery, which is why we should all be eating more of it – to lubricate our veins and arteries.  That’s just science.”

The Butter Festival will feature hot dog eating contests with prizes for both speed and quantity consumed.  Additionally, many food vendors are planning on setting up carts throughout the fairgrounds.  Local pizzeria owner James Smith called setting up a pizza cart at the festival a “no-brainer.”

“You’ve got the fattest and the laziest people in all of Knoxville all congregating to celebrate their own collective obesity.  It’s like taking asparagus from a very fat, very lazy baby.”

Paramedics will be on site to assist the many expected victims of cardiac arrest, as well as to generally point and laugh.  The medical staff will be working what the obese patrons are calling the “loser tent.”

“If you can’t handle the lard, swim your way out of the mayo vat,” said notably overweight citizen Billy Joe Bobby.

UTPD will be charged with securing the fairgrounds - an area they affectionately refer to as the “pig sty.”

By Tween Wolf

Candidates Interrupt Each Other, Kanye Interrupts Candidates

Attendees at this past week’s presidential debate were witness to a bizarre sight not originally aired on network or cable television.  While the debate was characterized by both candidates typically interrupting and talk over one another, at one bizarre juncture,  Kanye West stepped in to express his own unique take on matters of national importance.

“Imma let you finish, but I just wanna say... Ron Paul had the best platform of all time!”

The moment seemed to stun both major parties’ respective candidates, but as time went on, they seemed to welcome his entrance into the debate.

“I don’t know what’s better: gettin’ paid or gettin’ laid,” interjected Kanye during an exchange about the economy.  “What I mean by that is.. you see, they be a lot a people in America today who ain’t got no work.  They ain’t getting’ paid.  But that don’t mean you can’t get laid.  Don’t lose hope America, Kanye’s got your back!”

In a CNN insta-poll, the results showed  24% believed Obama won the debate, with 21% declaring Romney the victor, and 55% pledging their vote to Kanye.

Pundits have been quick to speculate on the long-term impact of a Kanye candidacy.  Democratic political adviser James Carville mused that Kanye had a strong chance of playing spoiler for Obama in many swing states as “most Romney supporters don’t listen to real music like Kanye West.  His lyrical genius will play right into the Republicans’ hands by siphoning off votes from Obama.”  Republican strategist Frank Luntz had a different take, “Everyone knows Kanye is the voice of a generation.  He has a real chance to win this thing outright.”

In closing remarks at the debate, Kanye had his best performance of the night – a moment many pundits are proclaiming as the tipping point in the race.  “I am not a fan of books, I would never want a book’s autograph.  I am a proud non-reader of books,” he began, “I feel like I’m too busy writing history to read it.  If I was just a fan of music, I would think that I was the number one artist in the world.  I still think I’m the greatest.  That is why you should vote for me, the lyrical genius and voice of a generation.  Also, George Bush still doesn’t care about black people.”

By Tween Wolf

New Greek Row Not To Be Confused With Actual Neighboring Greek Community

It seems far too coincidental that the location of UT’s new Sorority Row would be directly alongside the nesting site for Knoxville’s newest Greek immigrant population. A recent and unprecedented influx of Greek people has made Knoxville home in recent months. Greek emigration has spiked due to Greece’s recent economic trouble. And as Greece’s economy has declined, it seems confusion in Knoxville has proportionally risen. A growing number of the new immigrants have taken residence only a block from UT’s new Sorority Village. The uncanny proximity has set the stage for tremendous confusion.

Emilia Gertole, a Greek Knoxville resident, recently encountered problems when a number of guests to her wedding mistakenly arrived at the University’s Alpha Chi Omega house for the occasion. The wedding guests were all too merry and reportedly holding an impressive lamb offering when met with confused stares at the entrance to the AXO House. The Alpha Chi’s, getting ready for their fall formal, were equally confused. The first of the girls was amorously grabbed by the eldest woman of the lost group, who adorned her with several kisses on the cheek before lowering her down to safety, realizing she was not, in fact, related to her. According to witnesses, the group then extensively exchanged uncomfortable stares before being turned away.

The group then proceeded to knock on every door on the street, unwittingly also knocking on doors to incomplete homes and remaining there for several minutes awaiting an answer before moving on. This confusion resulted in the group “missing out on the hummus” that was served at the celebration.

Similarly, many UT students have found the proximity of the two communities inconvenient. A pungent odor of baklava has been cited present on Sorority Row. Many have reported feeling “less Greek” alongside actual Greek neighbors. Furthermore, many visitors to the UT sorority homes have mistakenly arrived in the Greek neighborhoods only to flee after overhearing cultural step dancing from outside.
T-link traffic has spiked with distress calls from students finding themselves in the community. Accidental drop-offs are at a record high for UT.

“Sometimes we’ll just drop them off there,” an anonymous T-link operator admitted openly to reporters. “They’re usually too drunk to notice,” the driver said pausing, “And I’m usually too underpaid to care.”

The Greek people, initially thrilled with news of shared Greek heritage, are now just puzzled as to why they are not being reciprocated. “We give them rack of lamb,” a local Greek woman said shaking her fist to reporters Thursday. “Rack of lamb! And they give us nothing!”

The attitude among students seems to follow a similar pattern.

“This is America, not Greece,” a UT student asserted, pointing out the countries on a large globe in his hands multiple times to reinforce his point. “I think we all need to remember that.”

As of now, the International House refuses to comment on the issue.

by Jillson

Extreme Parkour Geocaching

The day has come when two fads have come together to make a brand new baby-fad. Parkour (stunts performed by teenagers attempting to be as “hip” as video game characters from Assassin’s Creed) and Geocaching (treasure hunts done by retired old people with nothing to do) have become new ways of passing time among the UTK student body and indeed across the country, and their hybrid bastard offspring promises to take the world by storm.

The object of this new practice is to place a piece of paper (preferably in a small, camouflaged tube) on top of a building, inside some elevated area, or hidden inside some object that is impossible to get to unless performing a wild stunt. When the paper is grabbed, the person writes their name, the stunt they did to get it, and parkours it back to its original place for the next person.

Allen Schmidt, a “Parkour-Cache” enthusiast, has boasted finding over 300 different caches with over 1000 stunts. After being asked for a demonstration, the young man brought onlookers to the clock just outside of Humanities and Social Sciences. From there, he jumped up, straddled the clock, and then flipped to the top. After grabbing a piece of paper from out of the face of the clock, he proudly stated, “See? Nothing to it.”

Parkour caching does, however, come with its risks. Many building owners have had parkouring intruders on their properties, looking for caches. Attempts to find the next tricky cache have resulted in the widespread destruction of private property as well as the bones of many enthusiasts. Parkour-caching has even caused many deaths of younger, inexperienced parkour enthusiasts who, as Schmidt states, “haven’t properly honed their ability to leap from two-inch ledge to two-inch ledge.”

Many want this dangerous hobby banned because of its destruction on both property and humans alike. Celene White, an elderly homeowner, claimed she even saw a young man on top of her own house in search of a cache that was placed on her roof without her knowing.

“I miss the old days of Geocaching,” she said angrily, “Back in my day, caching was much more tranquil and a lot less dangerous. Only hooligans Geocache now.”

UT Campus is Going Extreme Green

As the brutal summer heat fades into the crisp air of fall, the leaves of Rocky Top slowly turn to shimmery shades of orange. Naturally, the leaders of UT’s Make Orange Green Campaign are furious. “We’re trying SO HARD to make this campus as green as possible, so of course nature has to come and screw everything up!” said the student president of the campus organization. With the leaves changing faster, this environmental group has been scrambling to find a solution to their fading reputation.

Fortunately for them, a hidden supply closet tucked into the depths of the theatre department was recently uncovered, only to be filled floor to ceiling with different shades of green paint. When interviewed of the recent find, the head of the theatre department replied, “There’s no telling how long that paint has been sitting there. Probably since the performance of A Mid Summer’s Night Dream in 1952” The environmental council jumped at the opportunity to commandeer the vast quantity of free paint, and now plan to change UT’s landscape, one paint brush at a time.

The task of painting each leaf green has proven to be a harder job than originally thought; the ‘Literally Make Orange Green’ campaign has had a slow start. “We’re having a really hard time recruiting people for the job; it turns out that no one in the environmental group wants to go around painting trees! And to think they say they have the best interests of UT in mind…” remarked a weary manager for the project. Still, the campaign announces that they will not give up their dream of seeing an artificial green colored campus.

However, it appears that many roadblocks stand in their way to emerald victory. The campus’s health board carries concerns over the safety of the old paint. Various tests have concluded that every recovered paint can contains copious amounts of lead. The campaign coordinators have chosen to respond by largely ignoring all warnings about the paint. “For your information, I have been using this paint non-stop for three weeks and haven’t felt a thing. This stuff is so safe, you could drink it!” Against the interviewer’s wishes, the volunteer scooped a large amount of paint in his hand and proceeded to slurp it. When asked for a follow-up interview, the volunteer expressed signs of delusion with extreme mood swings. A few weeks later, he left UT to check into an elderly home specializing in patients with Alzheimer’s disease.

Only time will tell if the Literally Make Orange Green Campaign will be successful. Hopefully the contributors of the project will keep their sanity in the process.

by Doc Brown

Jeter’s Standing Not Diminished After Leg Amputation

Fans in New York are outraged at the recent decision to bench recent double amputee Derek Jeter. Jeter, famous shortstop who has been with the team for 18 years, recently lost both legs to a flesh-eating virus that slowly crept up his leg for the last few years, finally requiring amputation.

“I kept asking for a season off for the surgery required to rid myself of the awful disease,” Jeter said, “but Steinbrenner (the team’s owner), kept pointing out a clause in my contract requiring me to play. I hate New York.”

Fans throughout New York are outraged at general manager Joe Girardi’s decision to take Jeter from the line-up.

Joe Metzcalf, a hot dog vendor on the north east corner of Central Park believed that the team is making the wrong decision in benching the former stud.

“Everyone knows that Jeter is better with no legs than any other shortstop in the game. Name one shortstop in the league, and I’ll guarantee you Derek Jeter could take him in a fight, AND sleep with his wife.”

With the Yankees recent loss to the Tigers in the American League Championship, avid baseball fan Jerry Feinstein has started a petition for Major League Baseball to restart the series with Detroit, this time playing Jeter in every game.

Feinstein told the media Wednesday, “I really like our chances with this one. The MLB loves us, and this petition is already 300,000 strong.”

Feinstein later told reporters, “If they don’t do what we want, I’m going to shove a dildo the size of a baseball bat down Bud Selig’s throat”

The team has run Jeter through some drills with the shortstop in a sports wheelchair, but Jeter was rather unsuccessful, missing every catch thrown his way by a few dozen feet. At bat, the shortstop went 1-for-12, with his sole hit bouncing off the edge of a wheel spoke.

Jeter later told press,” I’m in a wheelchair. Why am I even here? And now, my stubs are bleeding….great.”

Girardi, the team’s manager, stated in a press conference Thursday, “I don’t understand what’s not to get here. Derek will never play again. He’s done. He lost his f***ing legs. This isn’t backyard baseball. God, I hate New York.”

Due to contractual obligations, Derek will continue to work for the organization in the janitorial field, scrubbing toilets, cleaning seats, and scrubbing the team’s ice baths.

“God I hate New York”, stated Jeter.

According to the team’s owner, if he does a decent job down in the scrubs, he could get bumped up to concessions, pending any more injuries.

A rally is being held outside of the front gates to Yankee Stadium next Tuesday in an effort for Steinbrenner to fire every one in the organization, and fill the roster out with Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and an old vinyl copy of Lou Gehrig’s retirement speech.

by Boolean Kapur

UT Offers Benefits to Married Cousins

The LGBT community at UT is upset with the administration for their recent announcement that they refuse to offer equal employee benefits to same-sex couples. Chancellor Jimmy Cheek heard these cries of outrage, and has devised the perfect plan to appease the rowdy faculty and students. “The University of Tennessee will now be offering employee benefits to those faculty members who are married to their cousins,” said the chancellor at a press conference held outside the Clarence Brown Theatre. Uproar followed this announcement, involving lots of screaming and shaking of fists. Cheek smiled at this reaction, obviously misunderstanding what was happening, took a bow, and walked away.

One professor of plant sciences, who prefers to remain anonymous, made a statement regarding this decision. “Me and Berta, we, um, we real happy ‘bout this here decision. I been havin’ some issues with my heart lately, Doc says I been eatin’ too much butter and salt. I don’ trust modern medicine but Berta’s been wantin’ me to get check ups, and they ain’t cheap, no sir. Good ole Jimmy sure got our bes’ interests at heart. He sure do."

On the day following the announcement, Cheek found his office door egged with deviled eggs. According to his assistant, they tasted delicious. Sensing the faculty’s subtle attempt to convey their rage at this new policy, Cheek convened another press conference, ironically in front of the newly vacated PIKE house. Cheek got right down to business, opening his speech with: “I don’t understand what you people want from me. You get mad at me for following the policy of the state of Tennessee regarding same-sex marriage benefits. Then you get mad at me for breaking with state policy and offering benefits to married cousins. What more can I do? All of you just go home. Whether it’s to your same-sex partner, or a family member, I don’t even care. Just go away.” Cheek left the microphone in tears, running like a girl all the way back to his car: a baby blue Toyota Prius.

by Anita Knapp

UT students want better facilities, but no construction

The Student Government Association released a press release imploring the school to cease all construction on campus to relieve the burden on students, while at the same time asking for new and better facilities.

 “We are gathered here today to demand an end to the incessant improvement projects going on at the school,” SGA said today during an interview in Estabrook Hall.

“For too long we have had to continually dodge workmen and cranes just to get to class, when the school should be focused on creating better educational environments. Have you seen this place? It’s a wreck!” he continued, dodging a piece of 19th century plaster falling from the ceiling.

The SGA Vice-President voiced similar opinions.

“This school needs to double its efforts to revamp the buildings around here, and they also need to get rid of those smelly construction workers. They stare at us when we walk by, it creeps me out.”

 “And what the hell is up with that giant hole in the ground behind the Haslam Business Building? We need to cover that up with something,” he continued, referring to the ongoing construction of UT’s new University Center.

After the conference, several students spoke to this reporter about what they thought of the issue.

“It really bothers me that some freshman I will never meet is going to reap the benefits of something I am paying for. What is this, communism? If I am paying for a new engineering building for instance, I want it now! And none of that, ‘It takes years to construct even a decent building’ crap. They build the first stadium here in under a year,” Edward Cunningham exclaimed.

A sophomore majoring in Sub-Saharan Pottery Techniques, as well as being a dedicated alcoholic, continued, “I mean of course it doesn’t take years and years to create world class laboratories and cutting edge classrooms. If it did, then all of the complaining about the construction here on campus would be nothing but self-defeating!”

Hunter Stubbleston, a fraternity member majoring in Wasting His Parents Money, also expressed serious concerns about the direction UT is heading.

“I know we are trying to become a Top-25 school, but let’s just throw a few classroom trailers in Neyland Stadium during the off-season, and call it quits. I’m pretty tired of actually having to walk everywhere. We evolved with feet to work the gas pedal, not for “so-called” healthy transportation.

Besides, if all this construction and tuition are what it takes to create a Top-25 school, I am no longer sure we really need that. What if we settled for like, Top-50, or better yet Top-70?”

by Archibald Krakenbarger

Hipsters Embrace the Mainstream

All across the nation young urban “hipsters” are embracing mainstream American culture on the grounds that not liking the mainstream has just become way too mainstream. Indeed, hordes of former coffee shop enthusiasts are trading in their beanies for baseball caps, their thick-rimmed glasses for contact lenses, and their Wes Anderson films for any movie featuring Sandra Bullock.

Said one UT hipster, “Yeah, I mean, I used to listen to a lot of Bon Iver, but then I saw that his Facebook page had over 1 million likes, so I downloaded some Katy Perry CDs.”

Many hipsters now feel that their counterculture has become saturated – that the only way to remain truly indie is to endorse all that is conventional.

“For me, the last straw was seeing three sorority girls at the farmer’s market ask whether or not some eggs were ‘cruelty free-organic,’” said hipster Nick Fitzgerald, “Now when I go out to eat at big chain restaurants, I’m not doing it ironically.”

When asked if there was a certain irony to his mainstream conversion – done in effort to be even more hip – Fitzgerald smirked and said, “It’s a really obscure concept man; you probably won’t get it.”

by Morgan Mason

UT Pride, Orange the New ‘Olive’

They are everywhere and easy to spot. Sheer orange radiance precedes their arrival.  So who are these creatures, these oompa-loompa look-alikes? These are the ladies of UT, and they are gearing up for the events that will take place later on this month.

Fusions Tanning Salon is a hot spot this season for UT students. Located on Melrose Place, the establishment is strategically placed to draw in naïve Massey-landers and library-goers. Fusions offers many ways for achieving that special look for their customers. Jessica Mills, sophomore, says, “Of course, Fusions offers tanning beds. But I think puke tones match my eyes, so I go with spray tans.” One may ask why the trend now is to get an orange-ish tint to your skin and eschew the olive tones of old. There are two main reasons.

On Saturday, Alabama will be at Neyland and it is vital that students show their school pride. Our football team may suck, but our student section can still be orange as hell. By getting those spray-ons that turn your skin orange, those Roll Tide bastards will know just where our loyalty stands! Male students would do well to follow their counterpart’s example, along with wearing orange body suits and dying mustaches on gameday (girls with mustaches are strongly discouraged from following suit). School spirit must be shown at all times.

So, the girls got their tans, wore their orange dresses, and succeeded at resembling large, orange turds on game day. Is there still are point?

You are walking down Pedestrian. You see an orange girl, and all of a sudden you can’t stop thinking about snickers and lollipops and you don’t know why. Has this happened to you? In keeping with tradition, students are successfully tanning orange to look more festive and pumpkin-like. Who doesn’t like seeing orange when Halloween is just two weeks away? We all have fond memories of Jack-o-lanterns past, and the mixture of thoughts about pumpkins and oompa-loompas can only lead to the thought of candy!
Elle Woods is wrong. Orange is the new pink (or rather olive). So don’t be afraid to go orange. Get out there and show your love for UT and Halloween!

by Frau Blucher

Budget Cuts... UTPD Replaced by Mercs

Now infamous are UT’s consistent and controversial tuition hikes.  While students cry out for relief and demand something be done to balance the university budget without again forcing them to shoulder the burden, the administration has been less than optimistic that an amenable arrangement can be found.

“In order to keep our check book balanced without raising tuition,” Chancellor Jimmy Cheek hesitantly stated at a press conference earlier this morning, “It looks like the University of Tennessee is going to have to cut out the entire UTPD budget.”

The news was greeted with a unanimous gasp and sporadic yelling to which the Chancellor started matter-of-factly: “I don’t know why any of you all are worrying… it is not like the African Mercenaries that will be replacing them can’t do their job just as well. And only for a dollar a day!”

“Dis is gud ting for University.” said American Southeast Regional Warlord Milton Blahyi. “My people will do gud and keep many students safe and kill many highwaymen dat come through.”

The Somalian Mercs are due to start patrolling the campus in Vietnam era jeeps later next month. Instead of being supplied with the typical Taser, nightstick, handcuff, and handgun outfit, the mercenaries will be given standard Russian AK-47s and zip-ties.

UTK is not the first to try out programs such as this. Other such pioneers include the City of Detroit, various drug operations, and the Nation of Greece. Surprisingly, fewer crimes are committed when there are Mercenaries staring people down from jeeps with mounted 50 cal. machine guns patrolling through urban areas.

“I don’t know why you all are throwing things at me!” Shouted the Chancellor from behind the podium. “Not only does it bring us out of the red, it makes our campus so much more diverse!”

By Sly Stone