Budget Cuts... UTPD Replaced by Mercs

Now infamous are UT’s consistent and controversial tuition hikes.  While students cry out for relief and demand something be done to balance the university budget without again forcing them to shoulder the burden, the administration has been less than optimistic that an amenable arrangement can be found.

“In order to keep our check book balanced without raising tuition,” Chancellor Jimmy Cheek hesitantly stated at a press conference earlier this morning, “It looks like the University of Tennessee is going to have to cut out the entire UTPD budget.”

The news was greeted with a unanimous gasp and sporadic yelling to which the Chancellor started matter-of-factly: “I don’t know why any of you all are worrying… it is not like the African Mercenaries that will be replacing them can’t do their job just as well. And only for a dollar a day!”

“Dis is gud ting for University.” said American Southeast Regional Warlord Milton Blahyi. “My people will do gud and keep many students safe and kill many highwaymen dat come through.”

The Somalian Mercs are due to start patrolling the campus in Vietnam era jeeps later next month. Instead of being supplied with the typical Taser, nightstick, handcuff, and handgun outfit, the mercenaries will be given standard Russian AK-47s and zip-ties.

UTK is not the first to try out programs such as this. Other such pioneers include the City of Detroit, various drug operations, and the Nation of Greece. Surprisingly, fewer crimes are committed when there are Mercenaries staring people down from jeeps with mounted 50 cal. machine guns patrolling through urban areas.

“I don’t know why you all are throwing things at me!” Shouted the Chancellor from behind the podium. “Not only does it bring us out of the red, it makes our campus so much more diverse!”

By Sly Stone