This week at a large ceremony in
Neyland Stadium, Chancellor Jimmy Cheek awarded the Torchbearer Award and a
full 4-year scholarship to the members of the PIKE fraternity for their
numerous contributions to the UT campus and school.“What we have really been focused on for the past few years is getting our school back on the map, as a Top-25 university. Through the valiant efforts of these drunken frat boys, we have done just that. At great risk to themselves, they have taken the initiative to get UT noticed by the entire nation. Nothing quite says ‘Come to UT’ like your school being featured by Anderson Cooper,” Cheek said.
“We may not be Top-25 in academics, or even sports, but we are definitely number 1 in butt-chugging! Take that Alabama,” Cheek said as he stepped back.
Accepting the award were four members of the frat, each waddling up the stage and holding a funnel above their head with the other end still inserted into their own rectum. Obviously trashed, and stumbling with each step, the members tried to start by thanking the school, but ended up singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ by Journey as they slowly collapsed and were taken away by an awaiting ambulance.
“It brings a tear to your eye, seeing them give their all for their school. What have you done recently?” Cheek continued, suddenly yelling at the assorted engineering and physics majors, who had been summoned into the sunlight by the promise of extra credit on the Differential Equations homework.
Later that evening, members of PIKE and the other fraternities met in a private ceremony in the University Center with the chancellor and deans for another round of congratulations.
In between workshops for the
other frats on the proper sterilization methods for rubber tubing and basic
fluid dynamics and lubrication theory, Cheek made a challenge.
“I know you kids work hard on your drinking abilities, but in all honesty, you wouldn’t have lasted a week back in my days at Texas A&M,” the Chancellor said in between his cans of Bud Light he and the deans found left over on campus from the Akron game.
“In fact, I’ll make y’all a bet; if you walking tampons can outdrink me and my buddies here, I can promise that that the UTPD will never bother y’alls houses again. But if we win, well, let’s just say it won’t be pretty,” he continued.
“You’re on old man! But the only thing is, some of us have an early class tomorrow, and we were thinking of going, we haven’t been in a couple weeks,” the fraternity presidents responded.
“I know you kids work hard on your drinking abilities, but in all honesty, you wouldn’t have lasted a week back in my days at Texas A&M,” the Chancellor said in between his cans of Bud Light he and the deans found left over on campus from the Akron game.
“In fact, I’ll make y’all a bet; if you walking tampons can outdrink me and my buddies here, I can promise that that the UTPD will never bother y’alls houses again. But if we win, well, let’s just say it won’t be pretty,” he continued.
“You’re on old man! But the only thing is, some of us have an early class tomorrow, and we were thinking of going, we haven’t been in a couple weeks,” the fraternity presidents responded.
There was silence for a full five
seconds in the Shiloh Room before everyone started laughing hysterically.
It was a long night of beer Olympics, body shots, and pyramids, and all the funnels were absolutely filthy from overuse. However, unlike at the UT-Florida game, the rightful victors came out on top. Through vomit, tears, and sad inebriated calls home that would make even a drunken sorostitute cringe out of pity, the frat presidents, one by one, begged for mercy and conceded victory to the chancellor and the deans.
“Please!” One frat boy cried, “Make the spinning stop, I had too many Mike’s!”
“You’re all pussies! With all the money your parents waste on your ‘brothers’, I would’ve at least expected some kind of real challenge here,” Cheek said.
Chancellor Cheek, somehow still standing after consuming enough liquor to take down a fully grown Russian, ended the evening by having the UTPD issue citations to the frat boys for public intoxication, all the while still yelling about how UT will become a Top 25 university.
It was a long night of beer Olympics, body shots, and pyramids, and all the funnels were absolutely filthy from overuse. However, unlike at the UT-Florida game, the rightful victors came out on top. Through vomit, tears, and sad inebriated calls home that would make even a drunken sorostitute cringe out of pity, the frat presidents, one by one, begged for mercy and conceded victory to the chancellor and the deans.
“Please!” One frat boy cried, “Make the spinning stop, I had too many Mike’s!”
“You’re all pussies! With all the money your parents waste on your ‘brothers’, I would’ve at least expected some kind of real challenge here,” Cheek said.
Chancellor Cheek, somehow still standing after consuming enough liquor to take down a fully grown Russian, ended the evening by having the UTPD issue citations to the frat boys for public intoxication, all the while still yelling about how UT will become a Top 25 university.
No comments:
Post a Comment