DiPietro began his message abruptly, saying “passing gas is a most sacred act, and I will not stand to have it interrupted by some damned, poorly drawn penis on the stall door.”
According to DiPietro, even more offensive than “shoddily rendered phallic imagery” are the frequent grammatical errors.
“What do you think an agent for US World News is going to do when he visits the campus, goes to relieve himself and sees ‘your an idiot’ scrawled on the wall? He’ll knock us down with MTSU or South Dakota State or some other cesspool of humanity.”
DiPietro went on to speak of his visits to Ivy League institutions, where visits to restrooms are akin to “visiting a museum of fine art,” filled with poetic and visual masterpieces, including an exact replica of the Mona Lisa drawn by some kid with a number two pencil. DiPietro related eating “exorbitant amounts of Chinese” just for an excuse to return to the stalls.
“Then I return to UT, just to be greeted by a world of genitalia, incessant baiting, “theres” instead of “theirs,” and people eager to inform the world that they can write their Greek letters.”
DiPietro ended his statement with a dire message, saying that the “Big Orange Screw” could quite easily become much “bigger, orangier, and screwier” if students do not begin to improve the quality of their graffiti.
“What is seen here is a disparity of effort. We as administration have held up our end of the bargain, attracting quality faculty and bringing in consecutively more qualified freshman classes. Yet our student body cannot so much as create attractive graffiti?”
“Look, I’m sure that boobs made you a star in high school, just as cuss words were edgy in middle school, and scribbling on a desk in kindergarten made you a veritable William Wallace. But now you are at a serious institution, with serious goals. Just try. For once. Please.”
By Sling Blade
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