The Almighty Power of Meat

A plague has swept the young adults of America. On any college campus one is bound to find hordes of pasty, scrawny students biking to class and stinking of incense. The culprit? The virus that has infected the future of these United States? Vegetarianism.

One might ask why vegetarianism is bad, and how eating meat makes one physically, intellectually, and emotionally superior. The first point of argument is protein. Protein gives the body necessary amino acids and can only be found in a hearty medium-rare steak. Meat-eating student Ben Smith of the University of Alabama explains the dangers of vegetarianism: “If I get hit by a car, I am going to live. Because of protein.” In truth, protein is needed to survive traumatic collisions, such as those by car, boat, sea-doo, and horse-drawn carriage. The horse may not be so lucky, in which case it can become food and restore the body of those important amino acids.

On a mental level, it seems obvious that meat-eaters have the upper-hand. Pulitzer Prize winning sociobiologist, E. O.Wilson, has written on the topic. He claims that, while human ancestors abstained from meat, humans would not have developed mentally without it. The mind of a modern vegetarian is only 16% brain, 84% tofu. This is clearly evidenced in a conversation with Allie Hulcher, a shameless vegetarian. “I think vegetarianism is activism on a plate. A lot of intellectuals are vegetarians because meat is murder….anddd…I feel like every time I deny meat I feel like an animal out there is smiling because of my decision.” The poor grammar and prolonged “and” in her speech prove that Allie, and all vegetarians, are marijuana-using idealists that do not understand how the facial muscles of those animals they love so much work. To not understand the feathered meat morsels we call chickens have beaks, and are therefore unable to smile, shows a serious lack of brain matter.

Clinical studies have proven the emotional powers of meat. The first group of test subjects was fed measly salads of raw vegetables and bland quinoa, a vegetarian’s favorite meal. Subjects immediately jumped out of the nearest window or stabbed themselves with their salad fork, a clear sign of depression. The second group of test subjects each ate a mighty turducken (turkey stuffed with duck stuffed with chicken) followed by a slab of rare steak and tub of pigs in a blanket. These test subjects smiled, bought some beer, and threw an excellent party that none of them remembered the next day but still deem as “the party of a lifetime”. Studies such as this are based in science, and science is always right. Therefore, one can conclude that meat-eaters have a much higher mental stability than weepy vegetarians.

by Jackie Channing Tatum