New Box Tops Campaign Ends Future Tuition Increases

This year, students particularly feel the pinch of financial problems due to the 8 percent increase to tuition. The extra funding from the tuition hike will drive up UT’s rankings by improving the aesthetics of the campus. However, the Administration of Beautification recently announced that a plethora of construction jobs will be needed to improve the overall look of the school. Now Jimmy Cheek has been faced with the grueling decision of how to obtain the vast amount of money needed to achieve these goals without creating a student rampage. After a month of intense alumni luncheons, he finally found the answer.

“The UT student body must turn in all Box Tops for Education tabs they can find. We will need roughly 800,000 or so to evade another tuition increase. So…I hope you like Pillsbury and Kellogg. I hear they make stuff with more than one”

Even with the news of the need for Box Tops so recent, stores have already run out of hot ticket items such as Pop Tarts, Hamburger Helper, and Tollhouse Cookie dough. Many outlets simply cannot catch up with demand. Students seem to have mixed feelings about the new policy.

“My grocery bill has never been so high, but I guess it gives me an excuse to keep getting Toaster Strudels. Man, I love those things.”

Some faculty members feel anxious about effects this change will bring. The head of the T-recs has noticed a sudden drop in numbers of students using the facility. Professors have also commented on a general change in the students’ behavior.

“They look all fidgety at the beginning of class and eventually everyone just goes to sleep. I don’t know what to do about it. And when they’re awake they just complain about their pants being too tight.”

Even the UTPD has been affected by this change in policy. They were perplexed by the new calls of dumpster diving until they were informed of the new Box Tops Campaign. Now, squad cars monitor all trash receptacles on campus and the Fort Sanders area for students rummaging through garbage.

“At first I thought it was a bunch of homeless people starting another trash uprising, so you can imagine my surprise when it was just a bunch of smelly fat kids instead,” remarked Officer Jones, a fairly heavy-set head of the department.

So far, estimations conclude that the quota for Box Tops will fill ahead of schedule, allowing the furthering of construction jobs to improve the campus. The work should start the spring of 2013 and will end around the fall of 2057. Jimmy Cheek seems pleased with the success of the campaign instead of a tuition hike and later commented:

“UT is finally on its way to becoming a highly ranked school…I mean, I least the campus. The students might be fat, but we can Photoshop them out of pamphlets anyway.”

by Doc Brown