Iranian Harvest Festival Enters 11th Year

TEHRAN – The 11th annual Harvest Festival was in full swing earlier this week, culminating in an all-day of celebration on the 11th. Wearing loaves of bread strapped to their heads, signifying the bounty of grains harvested in the past year, Iranian citizens could be seen dancing in the streets in fond remembrance of festivals past and with a hopeful eye toward the future.

The relatively new tradition was established in 2001 when hundreds of thousands of Iranian citizens spontaneously took to the streets to celebrate a bountiful harvest for no apparent reason whatsoever. The rapturous revelries captured the collective imagination of the region and now September 11th is widely recognized as a day of celebration throughout the Middle East.

“It’s a day when Sunnis and Shiites can put aside their differences and realize who the real enemy is,” said goat herder Mohammed Ahmad, “erm, famine, obviously…”

Despite the region-wide influence the festival has attained, the festivities in Tehran include a number of colorful customs which many Iranians believe set their harvest festival apart from others in the Middle East. Chief among these is the practice of setting fire to the traditional red white and blue patterned sashes which signify “the Great Satan” of war, misery, and death. “The stars on the ceremonial cloth symbolize, um... nighttime? Yeah, crops can’t grow at night, so stars are bad I guess. And the stripes... man I don’t know,” said Sheik Faroud al-Farik, master of ceremonies in Tehran, “the design is purely coincidental, I promise.”

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attended the festival, giving a rousing speech in the evening before an exuberant crowd. His bizarre and little-known speech impediment didn’t seem to faze the enraptured masses in the least. “Death to America..n agricultural dominance!” he proclaimed. Despite his odd verbal tick the proclamation was well-received by wild cheers.

In an interview after the rally, the president sat down to clarify some of his statements. “The United States is our greatest adversary.. in the agribusiness sector,” he said. “And furthermore, nobody will stand in the way of our goal to extinguish the State of Israel.. ’s produce market,” said the Iranian president triumphantly.

In recent years Iran has moved to the forefront of agricultural innovation, beginning with the development of nuclear-powered farm machinery. “We hope for our nuclear arsenal.. of farm implements.. to be ready for deployment by 2014,” explained the President.

The CIA later released a report claiming that Iran has absolutely no nuclear-plow capability, and that we are at worst a decade away from such a scenario.

by Ray Dickulous