PSA Protests Ryan

On Thursday, September 27^th, Paul Ryan visited Knoxville to attend a fundraiser lunch at the Knoxville Marriott. While this may have come as welcome news to the members of UT’s College Republicans, the PSA (Progressive Student Alliance) had a few choice words to say about it. According to the PSA, Ryan is ‘sexist,’ ‘racist,’ and harbors an ‘anti-worker agenda.’

In an interview with several members of the PSA, some clarifications were made about why this man hates women, black people, and workers.

“Well, he hasn’t like really said or done anything per se, it’s just kinda fun to say that he’s sexist. Hey, guess what my favorite cartoon character is!” said Gladys Mills.

Another PSA lady was a little defensive and slightly less dim-witted with her answer. “Connect those dots. He’s a member of the Great Whore of Babylon equals not supporting forced birth control in religious establishments that reject birth control which equals WIFE-BEATING, MALE SUPREMACIST, GET-BACK-IN-THE-KITCHEN-AND-MAKE-ME-LASAGNA, SEXIST PIG! And no, Ms. Prissy-britches, his view on religious freedom’s got NOTHING to do with it.” Her grammatically spurious claims made this reporter’s head hurt.

When Jody Wilkinson was asked about Ryan, he responded “Accusing Ryan of being racist is understandable. He made that ridiculous speech in August, passionately yelling out, ‘They wanna put y’all back in’… oh wait no, wrong nominee…”

Undeterred, Wilkinson continued, “But, he totally supports Mitt Romney and shipping jobs to homeless workers in third world countries. Also, you should note that scarcity is a myth created by the man.”

The PSA meets every Wednesday at 7:30 pm in room 227 of the UC. “Every meeting, we all sit on the floor in a circle. After we burn several sticks of incense, we begin our debates which encompass all of reality. Nothing can hide from the compass of truth that we all have inside.” stated junior Dick Burns. “Nobody needs numbers or facts to make a decision… just their heart, man.”

Renowned sociologist Dr. Olson Johnson believes that “the PSA’s debating behavior is almost identical to an inebriated Bill O’Reilly’s (but we repeat ourselves): they make up facts for their opponents, and then tear them apart. It’s basic straw man. They just, you know, kind of suck at it.”  

“I wouldn’t say I support Ryan,” said Democrat Lo Wang. “But I respect the guy for his economic and policy expertise. I mean… It isn’t like he is Rick Santorum or anything!”