Hooters becomes new UT sponsor

As UT’s morale declines from the overall performance of the football team, the sponsors
feel less enthusiastic about their endorsement decisions. Companies like the already outdated
Dish Network have considered dropping UT altogether while Adidas, the main athletic sponsor,
have particularly felt the negative effects from the drop in school spirit. The few companies that
stay committed to the university are widely considered to have a reputation for being second rate in their selected field. When interviewed on the current situation, the Adidas corporate manager
for the UT sector replied, “We know, we know, we’re not Nike, okay? But we’re tied to the
school now, and this is what you get. If you want your precious swish, do a better job in more
than just one quarter of the game.”

Luckily, one sponsor has stepped up to the plate to aid UT from their dropped marketing
deals. At the next home game, Derek Dooley himself will introduce the newest sponsor, Hooters.
To jump start their new sponsorship, the delicious chain restaurant will provide Dooley with his
very own pair of orange hot pants, and the band is already working on their owl-eyes formation.
A recent poll showed that a massive proportion of the student body have already bought their
tickets. To elevate the hype on the change of the cheerleader outfits, Hooters leaked the new
design for the game, bright orange jail suits with the Hooters logo printed on the back. “With the
new sponsorship of Hooters, we’ll have the game locked up!” exclaimed the corporate manager
in charge of the uniform design.

The announcement of Hooters joining the UT family has even effected an influx of
applications for future students. More and more prospective students have made the application
process more selective, furthering the drive to drive up the university’s rankings. Jimmy Cheek
has embraced the family-oriented restaurant with open arms. He even plans on adopting some of
their recipes into the dining halls. “Yeah, they have the biggest, juiciest breasts there. Oh, and
there’s wings too. And thighs. Meaty thighs…”Cheek said as he slowly stared off into space.

By Doc Brown