Crime Rate at UTK Skyrockets

Students and parents are becoming concerned with the sudden rise in crimes committed on the UTK campus. UTPD and campus officials have determined that in order to increase security and prevent further occurrences, past 10:00 P.M. women must be escorted by personnel picked out and trained by the UTPD. Escorts are approximately 7’5” with so many muscles that their eyeballs even bulge with masculine pride. These are classified as “meatheads”. When asking one of the women on the strip about what she thinks of her escort, we could not get much of a reply; however, we did notice that drool hung from her mouth as she ogled the piece of man next to her.

The UTPD strongly advises that men also utilize “meatheads,” but they are not required. This suggestion is to protect them from a type of pervert known as “Chester Molesters”. Though commonly mistaken for “Chester the Molester”, these are two entirely different entities. “Chester Molesters” prefer men as their targets, particularly ones named Chester. However, many men refuse to use these new escorts when told of the option. “Man, I’m strong enough to take any uh these fools!” Tyler Relyt responded when asked why he didn’t use one of the escorts.

“Men need to swallow their pride and use these escorts,” said an UTPD officer. “There are several ‘Chester Molesters’ around campus in Fort Sanders, Estabrook and most prominently on the Strip.”

Officials have also deployed several guards trained in animal control stationed along the streets bordering the campus. In the event another bear intrudes onto campus, it will be easily detained before causing damage. This policy also provides skilled professionals that can help control the rage of drunken frat boys the campus experiences almost nightly. According to animal control officers, these drunken hooligans are usually “as hard to sedate as most wild bears.”

Security companies have also decided that they will increase locks and security systems on or near doors. These scanners can detect whether an individual carries a firearm on their person, and even surmise their identity as well.  People must go through a rigorous, full body scan when walking through the door, and if they are not considered a student or faculty member of UTK by the electronic system, they will be denied entry, and then vaporized by high-powered lasers.

“I feel so much more confident letting my baby walk the Knoxville streets now,” said a parent concerning the upgrades. “UTK has done a great job taking care of my child.”

By Slim Shay Tee