Homeless Hostile Pillage KARM

On Monday, September 10, the Knoxville Area Rescue Ministry, otherwise known as KARM, ran out of supplies due to a lack of sufficient donations. The mission had never before experienced such a state of depletion and as a result was besieged late Tuesday afternoon by massive quantities of the homeless.

Despite desperate attempts to outlive the siege of the homeless, KARM now reaches out with cries for aid in a video that was leaked on Facebook on the morning of Wednesday, September 12. In this video, local authorities identified a beaten and wearied woman as Tracy Hicks, KARM’s director of Business and Community Development.

Hicks is viewed reciting what appears to be a script written on a crumpled piece of paper saying, “Do what they ask and nobody will get hurt. These men and women want six thousand cans placed beneath the I-40 overpass on North Broadway Street by 2pm September 15; three thousand in Chef Boyardee and three thousand in Campbell’s Chunky soups. Don’t be late.”

Authorities, with the help of local distributors, have been accumulating the ransom fee; however, it appears to be a slow and daunting task. Knoxville area Police Chief David B. Rausch, very distraught, told us that, “It’s just too soon! We’re having to ship cans from grocers in all of the surrounding areas and because of their reluctance to communicate with us, we’re afraid of what will happen to those taken captive if we cannot meet the given deadline.”

Since the leaking of the video, there has only been one other statement released which was written on a piece of paper and thrown from the KARM facility in an empty Coca-Cola bottle. The paper read, “We are only hungry, don’t force us to recreate the Donner Party.”

Now, with the Knox County Police Department rushing out of fear to accumulate the last of the cans and put them into place, we all linger in our anticipation of what events are to transpire early tomorrow afternoon.

by Seymour Butts