Vols Kick with Two Left Feet

After the Vols’ dominating victory over puff-ball pushover Georgia State, Derek Dooley adjusted his game-plan to account for the one prominent, glaring weakness of his newly top-25 football program: the kicking game. Shortly after the game in which the Big Orange again missed a field goal and extra point, Dooley issued a call to action, hoping to find “someone, anyone who can kick a <expletive> ball. Seriously guys, anyone.”

During the post-game press conference, Dooley described the kicking game in terms ranging from “disappointing” to “abso-f*cking-lutely unacceptable.”

“I’ve never seen a greater abomination in my life,” Dooley said, “An extra point? Are you kidding me?? Two weeks in a row now we have so completely failed at the most fundamental level of competition. In all my years I have never been so ashamed and embarrassed of anything as I am of this result. I HAVE BEEN DISHONORED!” Dooley was just barely prevented from performing seppuku (the traditional samurai suicide-rite involving the gutting of oneself using a katana) right then and there by a contingent of assistant coaches.

Post-game the focus shifted to what must be done to prepare for the all-important Florida game this coming weekend. The stakes have been raised by the realities of a sold-out crowd with high expectations and ESPN’s decision to host their weekly College Gameday in Knoxville.

The ESPN Gameday decision comes on the heels of Arkansas’s hilarious disappointing upset by Sun Belt afterthought UL-Monroe. ESPN executives looking at the upcoming Alabama-Arkansas game determined that Arkansas was so laughably outmatched by Alabama that they would be selling the rights to the game to CBS. “We’re excited about making some changes to the traditional college football broadcasting paradigm to make the most of this matchup,” said one CBS executive, “be on the lookout for laugh-tracks for the big hits, as well as some fun and wacky sound effects for dropped passes and fumbles!”

Unfortunately for the Vols those additions would be equally at home with UT’s abysmal kicking game. In his mid-week press conference, Dooley did a better job at keeping his composure, but seemed disappointed about his options. “We have started scouting middle school and little league games, and there are some kids who can really kick a ball. I mean literally, that’s all they can do – but I suppose it’s better than what we’ve got...”

At a little league game in Cleveland, TN, Dooley was heard courting potential recruit 11-year-old Jason Bateman, “Hey kid! How’d you like to go to college?”

“He’s scrawny but he can punt a ball 20 whole yards – we may have found our man.. er, boy,” said Dooley in an interview given from the bleachers.

“I would even start a frat guy at kicker if I thought he’d have any sort of success.”

by Ray Dickulous