Building Condemned, HSS Department Moves In

Citing numerous health and safety violations, local authorities have condemned yet anotherbuilding owned by the University of Tennessee. The building, located in the area between Caledonia
Avenue and the strip, was described by authorities as being “completely unsuitable for habitation of
any sort, for any duration of time.” Shortly after the condemnation was finalized, the university
announced the Humanities department would be moving their central offices into the building.

The building in question was constructed in 1952 and purchased by the university in the 1970s.
The building then sat unused and in complete disrepair for the remainder of the century until just
recently coming to the attention of local health and safety inspectors. In the intervening period, various
infestations of roaches and varmints took root in the building – leaving behind animal droppings and
sundry other biological matter which now coats the walls and floors. Meanwhile termites and even a
contingent of overzealous beavers undermined the building's structural integrity.

University chancellor Jimmy Cheek was excited about the Humanities and Social Sciences
Department's move to their new location. “Buildings like these age like a fine cheese, I say,” he said,
opening the front door to the newly ordained office space. He then proceeded to gag violently, turning
a sickly green but refusing to relinquish his strained smile, “and just like a good cheese these buildings
sometimes get smellier with age.”

Beyond the structural damage and profluence of biological remnants, authorities also cited
various flaws in construction methodology which further solidified their case for condemnation. “The
1950s were a different time,” said lead inspector Archie Ball, “today you just can't get away with
constructing drywall out of pure asbestos and painting over it with lead paint. These days
organizations have far more respect for the health and safety of their members than to subject them to
such detrimental working conditions.”

The HSS move-in will begin this coming Monday. All department faculty and staff will have
their offices relocated to the decrepit and rapidly deteriorating building within the next few weeks.
“We're looking forward to this exciting new chapter in the life of our most-prestigious
Humanities department,” said Chancellor Cheek.

Students wishing to take advantage of office hours or schedule other appointments are
encouraged to wear protective gear such as gas-masks or hazard suits when visiting their professors in
the new facility.

“We can't stress this enough, this building is completely and utterly unsuited for any purpose
whatsoever. It's not so much a building as it is a landfill waiting to happen – we're pretty sure parts of
it are radioactive somehow,” said lead inspector Ball.

“We've never let something as trivial as 'the value of human life' get in the way of our mission
to educate our students,” responded Cheek.

by Tween Wolf