“We really fooled you didn’t we?” Senate Majority leader Harry Reid laughed. “What kind of clowns do you think we are to let Congress be brought so low by our inability to compromise and treat each other as adults,” the Nevada senator said.
As Reid spoke, several of his colleagues behind him already appeared bored and started playing a version of bloody knuckles that somehow involved taking pulls from their handles of cheap vodka.
“Of course,” House Speaker John Boehner said. “We would have to be idiotic toddlers to let something as serious as our nation’s credit rating being downgraded, just because we would rather stick to the aged dogma of our party, than do what is right and compromise,” he said.
Asked about the generous campaign contributions Gerber and Pampers has provided to the congressional leadership, the men simply looked puzzled and said that was “irrelevant.”
“So we thought before it got too bad, we would just let you in on the joke. Seriously, when we brought the country to the point of default, how did you not see this,” Boehner laughed.
Meanwhile, Vice-Presidential nominee Paul Ryan held up a camera so they could “all laugh at the look on America’s face later.”
“We were just having some brews one night when we decided to have some fun,” Reid said. “Too many people take this job seriously; so we all tried to figure out how best to make America lose trust in their elected leaders. And that’s the best part, it worked!”
“For the record, Tom Coburn was the only one who thought this would be a serious waste of time and energy considering we were in a recession. We listened, but as soon as we took a floor vote it was unanimous, he was just being a pussy,” Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell said.
In the background, some of the congressmen had finished their game, and had now pulled out a water bong and were heard yelling to “freaking pass it already.”
“The next time something serious comes around, you may be stuck with people who actually don’t care, instead of us who are just doing it for laughs. It’s really your own fault for trusting us. You need to be more careful about who you let in here,” Senator Barbara Boxer said, gesturing towards the Capitol building.
As the federal employees looked out at the American people, who did not find the joke nearly as funny as they did, Boehner turned towards the angry nation and said, “You’re no fun! Learn to take a joke for once,” as he left the podium for the final time, throwing his hands up in the air.
“Ah screw ‘em John!” House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi said. “Hey everyone, we’re hitting the bars tonight!”
by Archibald Krakenbarger
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