UT Alerts Actually Save Someone

    Recently, The University of Tennessee has made it a point to make their future students sign up at orientation for what they refer to as “UTK Alerts”. This system sends text messages and emails to students about recent crime activity in or near the area. Megan Zaine, a junior at UTK, signed up for this service her freshman year, but was unaware of how it was going to save her life.

    Miss Zaine was walking to Clement on October 3, 2012 around 10 pm. She was coming from Fort Sanders, a location infamous for a large amount of criminal activity. She suddenly felt her bright pink iPhone vibrate and her LMFAO ringtone blare. When she checked her messages, she found a mysterious text from a UTK Alert. All that was written in the cute, hot pink font of her phone was “duck.”

    She claims that at first, she “didn’t understand such a complex text.” But she figured she should listen to it, because “the all-knowing UTK knows what is best.” She proceeded to lower her head and “duck”. Sure enough, a bullet whizzed right over the girl’s hunched body.

    Zaine claims she could hear yelling of some altercation far off in the distance, presumably where the UTPD states “the bullet came from.” Shaken and frightened, Megan looked back at her phone after hearing the “Party Rock Anthem” go off once again. This time, the text read, “GTFO the road and RUN, BITCH!”

    Zaine did not hesitate. She took off on Clinch Avenue toward Clement, spending the least amount of time in Fort Sanders as possible. After she safely made it off the road, she could distinctly hear a flurry of bullets fire off down the area she was just standing. She, fortunately, managed to make it safely back to her dorm.

    “Like, I could be DEAD,” Megan Zaine stated to reporters when asked about her experience, “Thank God I talked myself into not skipping orientation and signed up for these things. It saved my life.” She shook her head and shrugged. “I mean, come on. If I had died before that bitch Jessica, I would’ve been, like, SO embarrassed.”

By Slim Shay Tee