After yet another devastating loss to yet another SEC team who should have been beaten this past Saturday, UT athletic director Dave Hart was forced to take action. His decision was made easier, however, thanks to a series of fortunate events that have propelled the Volunteers into the national spotlight.
On Monday morning after the Vols’ unsettling loss in quadruple super-secret double-overtime to Missouri, multiple sources reported seeing none other than Nick Saban, head coach of Alabama, getting into the same limousine as Jon Gruden – the Super-Bowl-winning former head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and current prospective hire for the ailing Volunteer football program. The sources, who prefer to remain anonymous due to their involvement in various slander and libel lawsuits – as well as being generally unsavory and untrustworthy characters – say the most significant component of the story is that the shared limo was owned by Jimmy Haslam, owner of the Cleveland Browns (as well as 79.4% of the entire University of Tennessee campus), and was departing for his mansion-estate in the secluded backwoods of the Appalachian mountains.
Sources speculate that a deal is in the work that would pave the way for a resurgence of the Vols’ football program unparalleled in recent history. While details are sparse, it is believed that the multi-billionaire Haslam is in talks to hire Saban to the struggling Cleveland Browns as head coach, summarily wrecking what is left of Alabama’s once-proud program after its embarrassing loss to SEC newbie Texas A&M, as well as providing the Browns with some semblance of becoming a competitive team for once. Further, Haslam is believed to be lobbying for Jon Gruden to renegotiate his contract with ESPN, dropping him from anchorship of Monday Night Football. This would give him eligibility to take the once-coveted head-coaching position at UT.
Most importantly, the Vols’ have worked out a deal with Lucifer, the devil and Most Wicked One, in which the Dark Lord of All Evil has agreed to visit upon Derek Dooley “five hundred eternities of torment and excruciating punishment” in retribution for his mishandling of the final forty seconds of regulation in the Missouri game. “I saw that and was like, what the f*ck,” said the ruler of all nine circles of Hell, “who doesn’t put the ball in the hands of your playmakers? This is the worst thing since literally Hitler.”
Further, researchers at The Tangerine’s crack investigative team have discovered an as-of-yet unaccounted-for year of eligibility for Volunteer hero Peyton Manning, who is expected to return to the university to play out his final year and return the school’s football program to the national spotlight. In addition to Manning, the Vols can expect to return defensive end Leonard Little, defensive end Reggie White, linebacker Al Wilson, running back Travis Henry, safety Eric Berry, and wide receiver Peerless Price – who all have decided to exercise their rights to an extra year of eligibility as discovered by this publication.
In other news, The Tangerine would like to officially rescind its pick of the Tennessee Vols as 2012-2013 national champions, and instead delay the pick one year hence.
By Tween Wolf
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