Earlier this week, tragedy struck the hipster community at UT. A young man, who goes by the name of Tobias Rudolfer, real name Ted Baker, slipped through the grate in Presidential Court in front of Carrick. He had been smoking a cigar with his friends, wearing a tight striped shirt tucked into a pair of skinny purple corduroys. His purposefully messy black hair was covered partially by a tiny beanie and Ray Bans adorned the top of his head. While standing up to gawk at some mainstreamers coming out of the Chick-Fil-A, Tobias took a wrong step and slipped right through the grate. His mystical powers that let him to slip into his skinny jeans undoubtedly kicked into effect to allow him to fall straight through the grate. His friends attempted to climb in after him, but were forced out by his constant yelling about not understanding him because he was too far underground. Now thoroughly pissed off, his friends quickly dialed campus police using a retro phone headset connected to their new iPhone 5.
When more people began to circle about the grate, showing concern for the fallen boy, his friends left, claiming that worrying for his safety had become ‘too mainstream.’ The police showed up soon after, having just come from Dunkin’ Donuts. After some murmuring that sounded vaguely like, “You’ve got to be freaking kidding me,” campus police used a crowbar and brute strength to pop open the grate and rescue the tiny hipster. A UT campus alert was sent out. It reads: “Roses are red, violets are blue, our students are stupid, in everything they do.”
This reporter got an exclusive interview with Tobias. He was a bit shaken by the whole ordeal, but showed relief at being rescued from his metal prison. Unfortunately, his Vans could not be salvaged, and a memorial service will be held tomorrow at 3:17 a.m. next to the grate. Tobias plans to spend his Thanksgiving break recovering from this trauma. He will be vacationing in the hipster capital of the world: Portland, Oregon.
This drama has brought to light serious issues involving the safety of the hipsters on campus. If you see a hipster in trouble, point and laugh, take a picture, and then call campus police immediately.
By Anita Knapp
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