Last Saturday members of UT’s campus witnessed a nearly unprecedented event. No, not our football team once again falling short against a ranked opponent. For the first time in twenty-five years the ever-burning flame of the Torchbearer statue at Circle Park has been extinguished.
“In all of my time here at UT, I have never seen that torch flame go out,” says freshman Herbert Clemens who, according to his Facebook, is majoring in “keg stands” and “slaying vag.”
While this has left many confused and questioning, for others this occurrence brought out other emotions.
“I just, I just, walking past that statue every day, knowing it would always be burning, it just, it always gave me hope that, that, maybe one day, I don’t know, maybe our football team would… I don't know, win a game in October or something,” said one student before walking away in an uncontrollable sob.
But what was the cause of all this? According to witnesses, UT Police took time away from fighting the “bad guys” to close off the area where the statue stands. Witnesses say there were also several emergency vehicles on site Saturday, including one mini ambulance.
According to the University of Tennessee’s director of emergency management, Brian Gard, UT campus has one mini ambulance reserved for emergency situations involving small children and midgets.
“We, unfortunately, had a malfunction with one of our newest initiatives in making UT a more eco-friendly campus,” said UT Office of Sustainability manager Larry Berd.
According to an official statement by the University of Tennessee, as a part of the Make Orange Green Campaign, the university decided to move away from their original fuel source of “a shit ton of coal” to a more efficient and innovative “cycling” fuel system recently implemented by companies such as Nike and Ralph Lauren.
One of campus’ lesser known construction projects of the 2011 year was building a fuel room below the Torchbearer statue that would allow for one worker to ride a stationary bike that would fuel the torch flame at all times.
“It’s like we had a little hamster in there or something,” says Berd. “We even had a little water bottle dropper and a food dish and everything. We thought conditions were acceptable, but unfortunately we may have miscalculated.”
As it turns out, one Mr. Xing Wang Dong passed away Saturday from exhaustion, causing the flame to go out. The office of Chancellor Jimmy Cheek declined comment, saying that Cheek could not give a statement at this time because he is very busy looking through his office for an important mail-in rebate.
This untimely death creates a vacancy for one of UT’s new green jobs: Torch Bearer Flame Guy. The position is open to all campus and Knoxville community members, but will probably be filled by an illegal immigrant. The job requirements include a willingness to work for long hours in blistering heat without a break and a burning passion to give one’s all for Tennessee. Experience riding stationary bikes is a plus, but not necessary.
“I’m really glad go to see UT is finally taking the steps towards being a greener, more eco-friendly campus,” said Clemens.
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