Students Search for Supposed “Dry Campus”

   The University’s reputation for being a party school has overshadowed the little known fact that we are officially a dry campus. Incoming freshmen scoff when told this at orientation, and immediately disregard it. However, as more people get into booze-induced misadventures, their sober counterparts search for a haven: the ever elusive ‘dry campus.’ Although we may not know where it is, we continue our hunt, convinced that it must exist somewhere. However, morale declines as students see the shot glasses in the bookstore, and think to themselves, “Is nowhere safe?”

    Even the professors seem to disregard this obscure rule. Many of them can be seen discretely sipping out of their pocket flasks every time a student spins completely around in a chair in the Humanities building or the entire class starts packing up five minutes before class ends. As students become more annoying throughout a class period, the professors become sloppier with their drinking habits. They leave the flask out on the table or slosh its contents onto their shirt. Unfortunately the slurring of the inebriated chemistry professors does nothing to help the students understand their already broken English.

    One would assume that the residence halls, filled with impressionable freshmen, would house this sanctuary. But judging from the shouts issuing from Presidential Courtyard late at night, one can only assume that the freshmen have been tainted with the scent of flavored Vodka and Natty Light. When asked about the whereabouts of the dry campus, one resident of Morrill said, “I think it’s on the engineering floors. I never hear any noise coming from there.” When The Tangerine’s investigatory team looked into it, they concluded that there is indeed no alcohol on the fourth and fifth floors of Morrill Hall. Students seeking refuge from their inebriated schoolmates are advised to take shelter here. However, take care not to make loud noises, as the engineers tend to be very skittish. Also, girls should avoid wearing low cut shirts so as not to cause hormone-induced heart attacks.

 By Anita Knapp