Next Tuesday, Paula Deen will be hosting a city-wide “Appreciation of Butter” festival in Knoxville. The festival comes in response to city officials considering cracking down on supposedly “unhealthy” foods such as deep-fried twinkies, chocolate-covered bacon, and Epic Meal Time’s Fast Food Lasagna. While officials claim the proposed measures would merely apply to city-operated institutions, Paula Deen was quick to join the chorus of mostly overweight and diabetic citizens decrying the new stipulations.
“We will never let them take away our God-given rights to a hamburger cooked in its own grease, lathered in cheese, covered in bacon, and sandwiched between two donuts,” Deen said at a rally Thursday evening. “Butter is slippery, which is why we should all be eating more of it – to lubricate our veins and arteries. That’s just science.”
The Butter Festival will feature hot dog eating contests with prizes for both speed and quantity consumed. Additionally, many food vendors are planning on setting up carts throughout the fairgrounds. Local pizzeria owner James Smith called setting up a pizza cart at the festival a “no-brainer.”
“You’ve got the fattest and the laziest people in all of Knoxville all congregating to celebrate their own collective obesity. It’s like taking asparagus from a very fat, very lazy baby.”
Paramedics will be on site to assist the many expected victims of cardiac arrest, as well as to generally point and laugh. The medical staff will be working what the obese patrons are calling the “loser tent.”
“If you can’t handle the lard, swim your way out of the mayo vat,” said notably overweight citizen Billy Joe Bobby.
UTPD will be charged with securing the fairgrounds - an area they affectionately refer to as the “pig sty.”
By Tween Wolf
No comments:
Post a Comment