Fans in New York are outraged at the recent decision to bench recent double amputee Derek Jeter. Jeter, famous shortstop who has been with the team for 18 years, recently lost both legs to a flesh-eating virus that slowly crept up his leg for the last few years, finally requiring amputation.“I kept asking for a season off for the surgery required to rid myself of the awful disease,” Jeter said, “but Steinbrenner (the team’s owner), kept pointing out a clause in my contract requiring me to play. I hate New York.”
Fans throughout New York are outraged at general manager Joe Girardi’s decision to take Jeter from the line-up.
Joe Metzcalf, a hot dog vendor on the north east corner of Central Park believed that the team is making the wrong decision in benching the former stud.
“Everyone knows that Jeter is better with no legs than any other shortstop in the game. Name one shortstop in the league, and I’ll guarantee you Derek Jeter could take him in a fight, AND sleep with his wife.”
With the Yankees recent loss to the Tigers in the American League Championship, avid baseball fan Jerry Feinstein has started a petition for Major League Baseball to restart the series with Detroit, this time playing Jeter in every game.
Feinstein told the media Wednesday, “I really like our chances with this one. The MLB loves us, and this petition is already 300,000 strong.”
Feinstein later told reporters, “If they don’t do what we want, I’m going to shove a dildo the size of a baseball bat down Bud Selig’s throat”
The team has run Jeter through some drills with the shortstop in a sports wheelchair, but Jeter was rather unsuccessful, missing every catch thrown his way by a few dozen feet. At bat, the shortstop went 1-for-12, with his sole hit bouncing off the edge of a wheel spoke.
Jeter later told press,” I’m in a wheelchair. Why am I even here? And now, my stubs are bleeding….great.”
Girardi, the team’s manager, stated in a press conference Thursday, “I don’t understand what’s not to get here. Derek will never play again. He’s done. He lost his f***ing legs. This isn’t backyard baseball. God, I hate New York.”
Due to contractual obligations, Derek will continue to work for the organization in the janitorial field, scrubbing toilets, cleaning seats, and scrubbing the team’s ice baths.
“God I hate New York”, stated Jeter.
According to the team’s owner, if he does a decent job down in the scrubs, he could get bumped up to concessions, pending any more injuries.
A rally is being held outside of the front gates to Yankee Stadium next Tuesday in an effort for Steinbrenner to fire every one in the organization, and fill the roster out with Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and an old vinyl copy of Lou Gehrig’s retirement speech.
by Boolean Kapur
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