“I’s decided to leave cuz of Obamacare,” said expatriate, Cleetus Barnes, “But, then I get to Canada and they’s got free health care too! I gashed my hand in a PBR chugging accident and gots some excellent medical attention – 12 stiches without paying one damn cent.” Barnes continued, “It’s some socialism bullshit is what it is!”
Cleetus is hardly the only Republican to be disillusioned by Canada’s political climate. Chick-Fil-A enthusiast Lauren Smith also expressed concerns. “I was horrified to see Maine, Maryland, and Washington vote to allow the gays to marry; I refused to raise my children in a country with that kind of godless equality.”
Yet, upon relocation to Toronto, White soon learned that Canada had legalized same sex marriage years ago. “I should have known the moment I saw their flag; the maple tree is by far the gayest of all deciduous forest vegetation,” she seethed.
White added, “And flag rhymes with my favorite homophobic slur, which reminds me of several dozen bible verses that I will now quote verbatim…”
Other common complaints from right-wing emigrants include the greater difficulty in purchasing firearms, the “queer-ass French talk,” and, most importantly, the complete lack of NASCAR.
Many incensed conservatives from the American Southwest took a different approach to escape the Obama administration – moving to Mexico. But, they too face serious problems.
John Whiteman, a Tea Party activist, gave voice to these issues. “I thought that Arizona was having trouble subduing illegal immigration, but Mexico is entirely overrun! Everywhere I turn, I see Mexicans; they have got to get this under control. Most of these immigrants don’t even speak English… it’s disgraceful.”
Whiteman also cited local cuisine as a drawback, “They should open more authentic restaurants, like Taco Bell and Chipotle; I haven’t had a single chalupa since the move.”
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