An innocent fundraiser took a turn for the worst on Friday as a pretend zombie attack for the Zombie 5k Run was much too realistic. The event took place on Pedestrian on Friday evening, coincidentally at the same time that 55-year-old hermit, Louis Durr, was making his annual trip into town to restock on supplies.
Durr, who had spent fifteen years in isolation in anticipation of a zombie apocalypse, was armed with a personal arsenal composed of several guns, knives, tear gas, a machete and even hand-held grenades. Paranoid of a sudden attack, encountering the unfortunately dressed volunteer race officiators forced Durr into instant action. Upon seeing the zombie volunteers terrorizing the runners, he began to open fire, slaying twenty and injuring thirteen.
The scene grew even more gruesome as onlookers unaware of the themed race began to join Durr’s forces, some even resorting to physically fighting the “zombies”. Some ran in terror, while others could finally justify all the time they’d spent planning what they would do in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
The sound of gunfire was at first thought by runners to be pre-planned and intended to enhance the realistic quality of the race, but were quickly disillusioned after crossing the finish line. Participants running from zombie race volunteers screamed with childlike playfulness as their zombie assailants collapsed behind them after being shot. “This race feels so real!” One girl shouted, giggling as she leapt over a zombie sprawled out on the path in front of her. “Tee hee!” she added.
It wasn’t until the zombie actors finally were heard screaming, “I’m not really a zombie!” and “Please, don’t shoot me!” that the attackers realized their mistake.
UT Police arrived on the scene in the following minutes. Upon seeing the bloodshed, several officers admitted feeling regret for not being there for something that would potentially remind them of why they decided to be policemen in the first place.
“Shit got real,” a student who witnessed the event said in reaction, “Shit got real, real fast.”
Greif counseling has been made available to all students affected by the absurdly coincidental tragedy.
The main psychologist involved on campus made a statement at a support group meeting in the days following. “It was for a good cause,” she said, unwittingly providing no comfort to the affected students.
An anonymous source also commented on the event, “Just one zombie can infect millions,” they said in a disconcertingly emotionless, matter-the-fact tone, “sometimes you have to make sacrifices.”
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