Romney Promises to Get Tough on Alabama

 In a nod to voters throughout the SEC, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said yesterday that if elected president he promises to crack down on the state of Alabama.

   “Alabama is pretty much just terrible. If it wants to stay a part of this country, it needs to get its act together or we will be forced to just let them go,” Romney said at a rally today.

   “The South is a fantastic place, full of beautiful women and always something to do... until you get to Alabama. Jesus H. f’ing Christ what a terrible place it is! Just miles and miles of hillbillies and racists,” he said.

   Alabama has the 4th lowest high school graduation rate in the country, and is six percentage points behind the rest of the nation on people with at least a B.S. or  B.A.

   “I was just giving a tour to foreign businessmen trying to convince them to invest here. And when we got to the Alabama state line... Christ all-f’ing mighty it was like we landed in Syria, the place was so desolate and depressing! I have spun some bull-shit in my time, believe me, but when you are staring at a family of in-bred rednecks living in shacks, and placing bets on pig wrestling, it is pretty hard to convince businesses to invest.”  He continued, “And doesn’t help that they are some of the fattest sons-of-bitches in the country either.  Did I mention one of them started crying because he literally thought he got his father’s cow pregnant. Holy shit.”

   In response, the Alabama legislature, panting and wheezing at the effort to stand up to vote, passed a symbolic resolution applauding Romney’s core commitment to conservative and pro-business values.

   “If I can stand up….ugh, oh wait, dagnabbit! Someone catch me!! Oh tarnation, that was a close one. Anyway, we are just proud we have someone running for office who truly understands America and how to run a country. In business, the only logical thing to do when a person or project is taking up too much money and not giving anything back is just to let them go. This is yet another way Obama has screwed up this nation. He should have fired us here in Alabama decades ago. The man is a failure,” the state house speaker said.  “Roll Tide,” the speaker concluded.


By Archibald Krakenbarger