Almost A Year After His Death, Kim Jong Il Voted “Most Adorable Dictator”

    Nations around the world paused in shock last week when North Korea overlooked its isolationist policies to announce to the world that the country would be holding its first nationwide vote. Broadcast via morse code, it took several hours for recipient nations to take their telegraphs out of storage and remember how to use them before receiving the message. “We very technorogy,” the North Korean global broadcast read, “Vote very democratic. We modern. Very modern, everybody happy here.” The message, addressed to “The Infidels”, included information of the upcoming vote.
The vote would bestow the winner with the prestigious title, “Most Adorable Dictator”. The stakes were set high with no one knowing the outcome.

    Just hours after news of the voting reached the rest of the world, news networks flooded with coverage. Everyone attempting to make the most accurate predictions, it seemed that every news network boldly saw the contest as “too close to call”. CNN’s Anderson Cooper said Tuesday that there was a 65% it could be Kim Jong Il while there was a 35% chance it could also be Kim Jong Il. Competing networks saw this prediction to be “premature” and “jumping the gun”. Others asked further into the matter. “Are they voting for Kim Jong Il while he ruthlessly dictated or Kim Jong Il as he ruthlessly decomposes?” a man asked upon hearing of the voting, “Seriously, though. One is significantly less adorable.”

    After the suspenseful week, North Koreans hit the polls to cast their ballots with extremely high voter turnout--at an unheard of 100%. As stoic troops armed with automatic weapons stood by, citizens happily enjoyed the democratic process. A leak of the ballot revealed that it contained three spaces for voting options which included: Kim Jong Il, Supreme Leader, and Father of Kim Jong Un. After learning of this, news networks further concluded that “it really is too close to call”.

    Polls closed in the following hours and a winner was declared with miraculous speed. In fact, Kim Jong Il was declared the winner the second the last vote was cast.

“We so quick counting votes, our machines superior,” the follow-up broadcast declared, “Kim Jong Ir most adorabre!”

    A reply in morse code asserting that the country officials hadn’t even counted the votes, but had just declared Kim Jong Il as the victor were met with an irate reply of, “CHUTT UP! KIM JONG IR MORE ADORABRE THAN YOU!!!”

    Though it can’t be confirmed, celebration is suspected within the country. However, from the North Korean border, guards say North Korea looks just as oppressed and bleak as usual.

    “Kim Jong Ir so handsome!” A North Korean probably would’ve told reporters if the country weren’t in blackout, “We all ruv him!”

by Jillson