Knoxville, TN – In a Tuesday morning press conference, University of Tennessee quarterback Tyler Bray announced that he would be filing harassment charges against several opposing defenses.
This season Bray has already thrown 10 interceptions, taken numerous hits, and led the team to 5 losses. He feels that this is a direct result of bullying and intimidation, calling Georgia, South Carolina, Florida, Mississippi State, and Alabama defenders “a bunch of jerks.”
Bray clarified, “Look, I’m just out there on the field trying to mind my own business, and these guys are being really mean. How do you expect me to throw touchdowns when they keep intercepting all of my passes?”
A clearly shaken Bray spoke of the irreparable harm done to his fragile self-esteem: “I didn’t do anything to them, but these defenses keep knocking me down and telling me that my orange jersey looks stupid. They’re just… they’re just butt-heads!” he choked out through the tears.
As Bray broke down and wept, he attempted to throw the microphone to his attorney, Lance Grisham, but it sailed far to the right and out of bounds. Though forced to use his “outside voice,” Grisham continued, saying of his client, “Tyler is a great kid, who does not deserve this kind of treatment. We trust that the NCAA will take these allegations very seriously and launch a full investigation into the defenses in question.”
A top official with the NCAA responded, “We do not take these allegations very seriously and will not be launching an investigation into any SEC defenses, except maybe for Tennessee’s, as it has come to our attention that they can’t stop shit... BURN!”
When reached for comment in his office, Tennessee head coach, Derek Dooley, sighed, shook his head, and began packing up his desk.
By Mo Money
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