Budget Cuts... UTPD Replaced by Mercs

Now infamous are UT’s consistent and controversial tuition hikes.  While students cry out for relief and demand something be done to balance the university budget without again forcing them to shoulder the burden, the administration has been less than optimistic that an amenable arrangement can be found.

“In order to keep our check book balanced without raising tuition,” Chancellor Jimmy Cheek hesitantly stated at a press conference earlier this morning, “It looks like the University of Tennessee is going to have to cut out the entire UTPD budget.”

The news was greeted with a unanimous gasp and sporadic yelling to which the Chancellor started matter-of-factly: “I don’t know why any of you all are worrying… it is not like the African Mercenaries that will be replacing them can’t do their job just as well. And only for a dollar a day!”

“Dis is gud ting for University.” said American Southeast Regional Warlord Milton Blahyi. “My people will do gud and keep many students safe and kill many highwaymen dat come through.”

The Somalian Mercs are due to start patrolling the campus in Vietnam era jeeps later next month. Instead of being supplied with the typical Taser, nightstick, handcuff, and handgun outfit, the mercenaries will be given standard Russian AK-47s and zip-ties.

UTK is not the first to try out programs such as this. Other such pioneers include the City of Detroit, various drug operations, and the Nation of Greece. Surprisingly, fewer crimes are committed when there are Mercenaries staring people down from jeeps with mounted 50 cal. machine guns patrolling through urban areas.

“I don’t know why you all are throwing things at me!” Shouted the Chancellor from behind the podium. “Not only does it bring us out of the red, it makes our campus so much more diverse!”

By Sly Stone

UTK Fraternity Sparks Butt Wine-Tasting Craze

The recent “buttchugging” craze, initiated from the stately gentleman of Pi Kappa Alpha at the University of Tennessee and their recent stint with a certain alcohol enema, has sparked a wildfire of buttwine tastings across the continental U.S.

The 50-60 year old widowed and divorced women demographic, known by many as the cougar, has embraced the idea as a great past time and a fun and interesting way to reel in their “prey”, the inebriated college fraternity brother.

Nothing gets me going like sticking a rubber tube deep into my intestines, crouching fetal position on my back, and indulging in a lovely Château de Brown,” said Pi Kappa Alpha member John Yaust. “Nothing like it bro."

Buttwinetasting has become so popular that even classic wineries in Martha’s Vineyard and Nappa Valley have begun to offer deluxe buttwine tasting weekends, offering lavish and exotic wine tours, all straight from the anus. Some vineyards are offering buttdecanting classes, informing their drinkers how to best enjoy the finest buttwines. Others are offering a “romantic” alternative with buttwine spouts on tap in room, and a split hose for a wild and erotic night of ingesting wine straight from your butt-hole.

The new alcoholic indulgance has, however, garnered some criticism from various groups across the country.

The famous non-profit “One Million Moms” posted a 20-page tirade on their website Friday morning declaring, “Alcohol is a sin from the liberal devil and it is NEVER meant to be consumed through such a sacred orifice as the anus. The bible says that only water and the occasional smoothie are allowed to be consumed anally. It specifically mentions that anyone slurping Bud lights out their bums are going STRAIGHT TO HELL.”

The fraternity’s acceptance of their proud culture and step out of the “buttchugging” closet has raised morale for the community who has suffered from rampant hatred in recent years.

Junior Pi Kappa Alpha brother Adam Green recalled the days of old.

“For the longest time, I remember us buttchugging in the bathroom because it was the only room in the house with no windows, and you better believe we couldn’t use rubber tubing. Too suspicious. Back in the early years, we could only take the spare P.V.C. pipes from the construction zones around campus. Now, that, was an enema.”

Green went on later to say, “I cherish the day that me and my brothers can kick back and enjoy a nice “buttguzzle” at our tail gates for the whole world to see. We’re a proud people, and we want everyone to know about what we stick in our anus’. Bro”

Buttwine tasting parties have become such a fad that NBC’s The Today Show will be broadcasting live from the University of Tennessee campus Monday morning with features on the consumption techniques early origins here in the Pike house.

Later in the day Kathie Lee and Hota, the show’s alcoholic time wasting duo, will host their own Buttwine tasting on the top of the Hill on Ayres Hall south yard. Rumors have begun to circulate that Chancellor Jimmy Cheek and Coach Dooley, fresh off a sure beat down of SEC East rivals Georgia, will join the crew for the broadcast.

By Boolean Kapur

Physics Exam Arrested, Charged With Multiple Counts Of Rape

UT Police issued a report early Wednesday morning detailing the alleged rape of several university students by a physics exam in the Nielsen Physics Building, the latest case in an outbreak of on-campus rapes since August.  The rapes are said to have taken place in Room 102 between 9:40 and 10:55 AM on Tuesday, September 25th.  Campus police were reluctant to discuss further details until the investigation is complete, but The Tangerine managed to exclusively obtain several documents related to the case.

According to a sworn affidavit by one of the victims, who chose not to be identified, the exam presented itself to the students inside the classroom promptly at 9:40 AM.  The exam then allegedly demanded that the students perform a number of horrible tasks, which some students compared to psychological torture.  Refusal to perform these unprintable acts was said to result in even worse consequences.

“It was awful,” said one of the victims in an exclusive interview with The Tangerine, “I mean, they say you shouldn’t walk through Fort Sanders alone at night, but I never would have thought this kind of thing could have happened in broad daylight on campus soil.  After what happened, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe on this campus again.”

“I’ll probably transfer to Pellissippi or something,” added the victim.

 UT Police have also arrested and are also investigating the possibility of charging a second figure as an accomplice to the crimes.  A majority of the police records on file relating to the case describe a second figure that facilitated the rapes by forcing the students into the classroom at the time the rapes occurred, and holding them hostage until the exam was finished.

“They just sat there,” said another victim in a police report obtained by The Tangerine, “They just sat there watching us get assaulted against our will, almost with an expression of glee plastered all over their face.  What kind of sick fucking goddamned world are we living in?”

News of the alleged rapes has spread all over campus, and has even garnered reactions from local residents.

“I am very concerned about this development,” said Henry Skolvic, 55, “My wallet was a victim of rape shortly after enrolling my child in the University of Tennessee some twenty years ago, and it’s very disconcerting to see that this issue has yet to be resolved.”

University police are enlisting the assistance of the Knoxville Police Department in the ongoing investigation.  Some students, however, seem skeptical of the efforts by university police in pursuing this case.

“Man, they ain’t gonna catch that exam,” said TJ Heffern, sophomore in economics.  “Hell, I raped some bitch in South Carrick jus’ the other night, and you don’t see no police comin’ fer me.  I—wait, are you printin’ my name next to that?  Aw, fuck…”

Campus police, with the help of the SWAT team, are scheduled to stage a raid on a calculus exam next Monday.

By The Pain Train

Building Condemned, HSS Department Moves In

Citing numerous health and safety violations, local authorities have condemned yet anotherbuilding owned by the University of Tennessee. The building, located in the area between Caledonia
Avenue and the strip, was described by authorities as being “completely unsuitable for habitation of
any sort, for any duration of time.” Shortly after the condemnation was finalized, the university
announced the Humanities department would be moving their central offices into the building.

The building in question was constructed in 1952 and purchased by the university in the 1970s.
The building then sat unused and in complete disrepair for the remainder of the century until just
recently coming to the attention of local health and safety inspectors. In the intervening period, various
infestations of roaches and varmints took root in the building – leaving behind animal droppings and
sundry other biological matter which now coats the walls and floors. Meanwhile termites and even a
contingent of overzealous beavers undermined the building's structural integrity.

University chancellor Jimmy Cheek was excited about the Humanities and Social Sciences
Department's move to their new location. “Buildings like these age like a fine cheese, I say,” he said,
opening the front door to the newly ordained office space. He then proceeded to gag violently, turning
a sickly green but refusing to relinquish his strained smile, “and just like a good cheese these buildings
sometimes get smellier with age.”

Beyond the structural damage and profluence of biological remnants, authorities also cited
various flaws in construction methodology which further solidified their case for condemnation. “The
1950s were a different time,” said lead inspector Archie Ball, “today you just can't get away with
constructing drywall out of pure asbestos and painting over it with lead paint. These days
organizations have far more respect for the health and safety of their members than to subject them to
such detrimental working conditions.”

The HSS move-in will begin this coming Monday. All department faculty and staff will have
their offices relocated to the decrepit and rapidly deteriorating building within the next few weeks.
“We're looking forward to this exciting new chapter in the life of our most-prestigious
Humanities department,” said Chancellor Cheek.

Students wishing to take advantage of office hours or schedule other appointments are
encouraged to wear protective gear such as gas-masks or hazard suits when visiting their professors in
the new facility.

“We can't stress this enough, this building is completely and utterly unsuited for any purpose
whatsoever. It's not so much a building as it is a landfill waiting to happen – we're pretty sure parts of
it are radioactive somehow,” said lead inspector Ball.

“We've never let something as trivial as 'the value of human life' get in the way of our mission
to educate our students,” responded Cheek.

by Tween Wolf

PIKE members awarded Torch Bearer Award

This week at a large ceremony in Neyland Stadium, Chancellor Jimmy Cheek awarded the Torchbearer Award and a full 4-year scholarship to the members of the PIKE fraternity for their numerous contributions to the UT campus and school.

“What we have really been focused on for the past few years is getting our school back on the map, as a Top-25 university. Through the valiant efforts of these drunken frat boys, we have done just that. At great risk to themselves, they have taken the initiative to get UT noticed by the entire nation. Nothing quite says ‘Come to UT’ like your school being featured by Anderson Cooper,” Cheek said.

“We may not be Top-25 in academics, or even sports, but we are definitely number 1 in butt-chugging! Take that Alabama,” Cheek said as he stepped back.

Accepting the award were four members of the frat, each waddling up the stage and holding a funnel above their head with the other end still inserted into their own rectum. Obviously trashed, and stumbling with each step, the members tried to start by thanking the school, but ended up singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ by Journey as they slowly collapsed and were taken away by an awaiting ambulance.

“It brings a tear to your eye, seeing them give their all for their school. What have you done recently?” Cheek continued, suddenly yelling at the assorted engineering and physics majors, who had been summoned into the sunlight by the promise of extra credit on the Differential Equations homework.

Later that evening, members of PIKE and the other fraternities met in a private ceremony in the University Center with the chancellor and deans for another round of congratulations.

In between workshops for the other frats on the proper sterilization methods for rubber tubing and basic fluid dynamics and lubrication theory, Cheek made a challenge.

“I know you kids work hard on your drinking abilities, but in all honesty, you wouldn’t have lasted a week back in my days at Texas A&M,” the Chancellor said in between his cans of Bud Light he and the deans found left over on campus from the Akron game.

“In fact, I’ll make y’all a bet; if you walking tampons can outdrink me and my buddies here, I can promise that that the UTPD will never bother y’alls houses again. But if we win, well, let’s just say it won’t be pretty,” he continued.

“You’re on old man! But the only thing is, some of us have an early class tomorrow, and we were thinking of going, we haven’t been in a couple weeks,” the fraternity presidents responded.

There was silence for a full five seconds in the Shiloh Room before everyone started laughing hysterically.

It was a long night of beer Olympics, body shots, and pyramids, and all the funnels were absolutely filthy from overuse.  However, unlike at the UT-Florida game, the rightful victors came out on top. Through vomit, tears, and sad inebriated calls home that would make even a drunken sorostitute cringe out of pity, the frat presidents, one by one, begged for mercy and conceded victory to the chancellor and the deans.

“Please!” One frat boy cried, “Make the spinning stop, I had too many Mike’s!”

“You’re all pussies! With all the money your parents waste on your ‘brothers’, I would’ve at least expected some kind of real challenge here,” Cheek said.

Chancellor Cheek, somehow still standing after consuming enough liquor to take down a fully grown Russian, ended the evening by having the UTPD issue citations to the frat boys for public intoxication, all the while still yelling about how UT will become a Top 25 university.

by Archibald Krakenbarger

Crime Rate at UTK Skyrockets

Students and parents are becoming concerned with the sudden rise in crimes committed on the UTK campus. UTPD and campus officials have determined that in order to increase security and prevent further occurrences, past 10:00 P.M. women must be escorted by personnel picked out and trained by the UTPD. Escorts are approximately 7’5” with so many muscles that their eyeballs even bulge with masculine pride. These are classified as “meatheads”. When asking one of the women on the strip about what she thinks of her escort, we could not get much of a reply; however, we did notice that drool hung from her mouth as she ogled the piece of man next to her.

The UTPD strongly advises that men also utilize “meatheads,” but they are not required. This suggestion is to protect them from a type of pervert known as “Chester Molesters”. Though commonly mistaken for “Chester the Molester”, these are two entirely different entities. “Chester Molesters” prefer men as their targets, particularly ones named Chester. However, many men refuse to use these new escorts when told of the option. “Man, I’m strong enough to take any uh these fools!” Tyler Relyt responded when asked why he didn’t use one of the escorts.

“Men need to swallow their pride and use these escorts,” said an UTPD officer. “There are several ‘Chester Molesters’ around campus in Fort Sanders, Estabrook and most prominently on the Strip.”

Officials have also deployed several guards trained in animal control stationed along the streets bordering the campus. In the event another bear intrudes onto campus, it will be easily detained before causing damage. This policy also provides skilled professionals that can help control the rage of drunken frat boys the campus experiences almost nightly. According to animal control officers, these drunken hooligans are usually “as hard to sedate as most wild bears.”

Security companies have also decided that they will increase locks and security systems on or near doors. These scanners can detect whether an individual carries a firearm on their person, and even surmise their identity as well.  People must go through a rigorous, full body scan when walking through the door, and if they are not considered a student or faculty member of UTK by the electronic system, they will be denied entry, and then vaporized by high-powered lasers.

“I feel so much more confident letting my baby walk the Knoxville streets now,” said a parent concerning the upgrades. “UTK has done a great job taking care of my child.”

By Slim Shay Tee

American Graffiti

In a recent, unusually vehement statement, University President Joe DiPietro chastised students for constant defacement of UT bathroom stalls.

DiPietro began his message abruptly, saying “passing gas is a most sacred act, and I will not stand to have it interrupted by some damned, poorly drawn penis on the stall door.”

According to DiPietro, even more offensive than “shoddily rendered phallic imagery” are the frequent grammatical errors.

“What do you think an agent for US World News is going to do when he visits the campus, goes to relieve himself and sees ‘your an idiot’ scrawled on the wall? He’ll knock us down with MTSU or South Dakota State or some other cesspool of humanity.”

DiPietro went on to speak of his visits to Ivy League institutions, where visits to restrooms are akin to “visiting a museum of fine art,” filled with poetic and visual masterpieces, including an exact replica of the Mona Lisa drawn by some kid with a number two pencil. DiPietro related eating “exorbitant amounts of Chinese” just for an excuse to return to the stalls.

“Then I return to UT, just to be greeted by a world of genitalia, incessant baiting, “theres” instead of “theirs,” and people eager to inform the world that they can write their Greek letters.”

DiPietro ended his statement with a dire message, saying that the “Big Orange Screw” could quite easily become much “bigger, orangier, and screwier” if students do not begin to improve the quality of their graffiti.

“What is seen here is a disparity of effort. We as administration have held up our end of the bargain, attracting quality faculty and bringing in consecutively more qualified freshman classes. Yet our student body cannot so much as create attractive graffiti?”

“Look, I’m sure that boobs made you a star in high school, just as cuss words were edgy in middle school, and scribbling on a desk in kindergarten made you a veritable William Wallace. But now you are at a serious institution, with serious goals. Just try. For once. Please.”

 By Sling Blade

Hooters becomes new UT sponsor

As UT’s morale declines from the overall performance of the football team, the sponsors
feel less enthusiastic about their endorsement decisions. Companies like the already outdated
Dish Network have considered dropping UT altogether while Adidas, the main athletic sponsor,
have particularly felt the negative effects from the drop in school spirit. The few companies that
stay committed to the university are widely considered to have a reputation for being second rate in their selected field. When interviewed on the current situation, the Adidas corporate manager
for the UT sector replied, “We know, we know, we’re not Nike, okay? But we’re tied to the
school now, and this is what you get. If you want your precious swish, do a better job in more
than just one quarter of the game.”

Luckily, one sponsor has stepped up to the plate to aid UT from their dropped marketing
deals. At the next home game, Derek Dooley himself will introduce the newest sponsor, Hooters.
To jump start their new sponsorship, the delicious chain restaurant will provide Dooley with his
very own pair of orange hot pants, and the band is already working on their owl-eyes formation.
A recent poll showed that a massive proportion of the student body have already bought their
tickets. To elevate the hype on the change of the cheerleader outfits, Hooters leaked the new
design for the game, bright orange jail suits with the Hooters logo printed on the back. “With the
new sponsorship of Hooters, we’ll have the game locked up!” exclaimed the corporate manager
in charge of the uniform design.

The announcement of Hooters joining the UT family has even effected an influx of
applications for future students. More and more prospective students have made the application
process more selective, furthering the drive to drive up the university’s rankings. Jimmy Cheek
has embraced the family-oriented restaurant with open arms. He even plans on adopting some of
their recipes into the dining halls. “Yeah, they have the biggest, juiciest breasts there. Oh, and
there’s wings too. And thighs. Meaty thighs…”Cheek said as he slowly stared off into space.

By Doc Brown

PSA Protests Ryan

On Thursday, September 27^th, Paul Ryan visited Knoxville to attend a fundraiser lunch at the Knoxville Marriott. While this may have come as welcome news to the members of UT’s College Republicans, the PSA (Progressive Student Alliance) had a few choice words to say about it. According to the PSA, Ryan is ‘sexist,’ ‘racist,’ and harbors an ‘anti-worker agenda.’

In an interview with several members of the PSA, some clarifications were made about why this man hates women, black people, and workers.

“Well, he hasn’t like really said or done anything per se, it’s just kinda fun to say that he’s sexist. Hey, guess what my favorite cartoon character is!” said Gladys Mills.

Another PSA lady was a little defensive and slightly less dim-witted with her answer. “Connect those dots. He’s a member of the Great Whore of Babylon equals not supporting forced birth control in religious establishments that reject birth control which equals WIFE-BEATING, MALE SUPREMACIST, GET-BACK-IN-THE-KITCHEN-AND-MAKE-ME-LASAGNA, SEXIST PIG! And no, Ms. Prissy-britches, his view on religious freedom’s got NOTHING to do with it.” Her grammatically spurious claims made this reporter’s head hurt.

When Jody Wilkinson was asked about Ryan, he responded “Accusing Ryan of being racist is understandable. He made that ridiculous speech in August, passionately yelling out, ‘They wanna put y’all back in’… oh wait no, wrong nominee…”

Undeterred, Wilkinson continued, “But, he totally supports Mitt Romney and shipping jobs to homeless workers in third world countries. Also, you should note that scarcity is a myth created by the man.”

The PSA meets every Wednesday at 7:30 pm in room 227 of the UC. “Every meeting, we all sit on the floor in a circle. After we burn several sticks of incense, we begin our debates which encompass all of reality. Nothing can hide from the compass of truth that we all have inside.” stated junior Dick Burns. “Nobody needs numbers or facts to make a decision… just their heart, man.”

Renowned sociologist Dr. Olson Johnson believes that “the PSA’s debating behavior is almost identical to an inebriated Bill O’Reilly’s (but we repeat ourselves): they make up facts for their opponents, and then tear them apart. It’s basic straw man. They just, you know, kind of suck at it.”  

“I wouldn’t say I support Ryan,” said Democrat Lo Wang. “But I respect the guy for his economic and policy expertise. I mean… It isn’t like he is Rick Santorum or anything!”

UT Struggles with Public Image

Due to the situation on Frat row, the University has gone into a massive amount of debt in order to launch a national “UT isn’t that bad” publicity campaign  – showing Tennessee students going to church, performing acts of community service, and doing other things that are not nauseatingly unholy.

“We have been having quite a few difficulties with this endeavor,” William Vaughn said. “No matter where we go to film students in Knoxville, we always manage to capture something nasty. Just yesterday, we videotaped students leaving Ayers, but in editing we found a used condom hanging over a bench in the back ground… What the hell is wrong with people?!”

After throwing a book at the wall, William Vaughn went on to say “And the whole place looks like something out of I Am Legend… with all of the butchered roads and trash strewn around the streets, I feel like I am the last man on earth.”

In an attempt to take advantage of our situation, the University of Alabama is launching an “at least our students don’t buttchug Franzia” campaign in order to make them seem less backwards than they really are. UT responded to this campaign with an “at least our students can read” campaign

By Sly Stone

Homeless Hostile Pillage KARM

On Monday, September 10, the Knoxville Area Rescue Ministry, otherwise known as KARM, ran out of supplies due to a lack of sufficient donations. The mission had never before experienced such a state of depletion and as a result was besieged late Tuesday afternoon by massive quantities of the homeless.

Despite desperate attempts to outlive the siege of the homeless, KARM now reaches out with cries for aid in a video that was leaked on Facebook on the morning of Wednesday, September 12. In this video, local authorities identified a beaten and wearied woman as Tracy Hicks, KARM’s director of Business and Community Development.

Hicks is viewed reciting what appears to be a script written on a crumpled piece of paper saying, “Do what they ask and nobody will get hurt. These men and women want six thousand cans placed beneath the I-40 overpass on North Broadway Street by 2pm September 15; three thousand in Chef Boyardee and three thousand in Campbell’s Chunky soups. Don’t be late.”

Authorities, with the help of local distributors, have been accumulating the ransom fee; however, it appears to be a slow and daunting task. Knoxville area Police Chief David B. Rausch, very distraught, told us that, “It’s just too soon! We’re having to ship cans from grocers in all of the surrounding areas and because of their reluctance to communicate with us, we’re afraid of what will happen to those taken captive if we cannot meet the given deadline.”

Since the leaking of the video, there has only been one other statement released which was written on a piece of paper and thrown from the KARM facility in an empty Coca-Cola bottle. The paper read, “We are only hungry, don’t force us to recreate the Donner Party.”

Now, with the Knox County Police Department rushing out of fear to accumulate the last of the cans and put them into place, we all linger in our anticipation of what events are to transpire early tomorrow afternoon.

by Seymour Butts

Vols Kick with Two Left Feet

After the Vols’ dominating victory over puff-ball pushover Georgia State, Derek Dooley adjusted his game-plan to account for the one prominent, glaring weakness of his newly top-25 football program: the kicking game. Shortly after the game in which the Big Orange again missed a field goal and extra point, Dooley issued a call to action, hoping to find “someone, anyone who can kick a <expletive> ball. Seriously guys, anyone.”

During the post-game press conference, Dooley described the kicking game in terms ranging from “disappointing” to “abso-f*cking-lutely unacceptable.”

“I’ve never seen a greater abomination in my life,” Dooley said, “An extra point? Are you kidding me?? Two weeks in a row now we have so completely failed at the most fundamental level of competition. In all my years I have never been so ashamed and embarrassed of anything as I am of this result. I HAVE BEEN DISHONORED!” Dooley was just barely prevented from performing seppuku (the traditional samurai suicide-rite involving the gutting of oneself using a katana) right then and there by a contingent of assistant coaches.

Post-game the focus shifted to what must be done to prepare for the all-important Florida game this coming weekend. The stakes have been raised by the realities of a sold-out crowd with high expectations and ESPN’s decision to host their weekly College Gameday in Knoxville.

The ESPN Gameday decision comes on the heels of Arkansas’s hilarious disappointing upset by Sun Belt afterthought UL-Monroe. ESPN executives looking at the upcoming Alabama-Arkansas game determined that Arkansas was so laughably outmatched by Alabama that they would be selling the rights to the game to CBS. “We’re excited about making some changes to the traditional college football broadcasting paradigm to make the most of this matchup,” said one CBS executive, “be on the lookout for laugh-tracks for the big hits, as well as some fun and wacky sound effects for dropped passes and fumbles!”

Unfortunately for the Vols those additions would be equally at home with UT’s abysmal kicking game. In his mid-week press conference, Dooley did a better job at keeping his composure, but seemed disappointed about his options. “We have started scouting middle school and little league games, and there are some kids who can really kick a ball. I mean literally, that’s all they can do – but I suppose it’s better than what we’ve got...”

At a little league game in Cleveland, TN, Dooley was heard courting potential recruit 11-year-old Jason Bateman, “Hey kid! How’d you like to go to college?”

“He’s scrawny but he can punt a ball 20 whole yards – we may have found our man.. er, boy,” said Dooley in an interview given from the bleachers.

“I would even start a frat guy at kicker if I thought he’d have any sort of success.”

by Ray Dickulous

Car Plays Chicken with Building, Loses

Following a recent trend, A man drove his car through the front of Sunspot in an uneventful game of “chicken” Wednesday before admitting defeat.

Randall Hetfield, a contractor from Seymour, admitted that he was pretty impressed at how Sunspot kept it’s cool and showed no fear in the short-lived game.

“Chicken”, a game of pride involving two vehicles hurdling at each other before one “chickens” out and doesn’t smash head first into the other vehicle, had become popular around the nation in suburban and rural areas. Participants cite a thrill rush as the main factor in playing the game, as well as inebriation and boredom.
“Man roun’d these parts I jus like to have some fun, you know man, just throw a couple of them keystones back and let Jesus take the wheel, ‘nam saying man,” Hetfield declared. “I play that game, man, just to, you know, pass the time, and show everybody how I’m such a badass.”

This is the first case of anyone playing the game with an actual building, although cases have been reported of teenagers playing the game with livestock and bales of hay, generally to rousing failure.

Julia Johnson, owner of Sunspot on the Strip, was angry, but not surprised by Hetfield’s attempted show of pride.

“Yeah, I’ve heard of this trend,” Johnson stated. “I understand getting bored and driving your car towards things at high speeds, but we didn’t really have any choice but to hold strong. I probably would have dived out of the way last second if I could but, you know, this is a building.”

The game of “chicken” was popularized in the streets of Miami in the late 80’s at a time when the average civilian enjoyed crack cocaine for a light lunch and cops were preoccupied with things like their looks and sex life to worry about the law.

The game slowly migrated through the south, finding a new life in the incest infested rural towns littered through out Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, and others. With this new idiotic mountain dew hyped youth fueling the game, the craze has spread, and the stakes have been heightened.

Troy Blueburn, a mechanic from Cocke County, recently released an official statement declaring that he will be outdoing Hetfield in the near future by playing “chicken” with a cruise ship. No further information was supplied.

Despite the damage, Sunspot plans to use the giant gaping hole formerly called the front door to form a late night drive through service to cater to drunks stumbling out of RTs in the wee hours of the morning.

by Boolean Kapur

The Many Contributions of OIT

UTK has always been a great place for football, education and southern hospitality. But what most students don’t realize is that UTK offers a great many other events and help-centers that have not been as well-advertised. When asking students of one aspect of UTK that they felt was underrated, the reply was resoundingly “the OIT department!” And let’s be frank, OIT has not been given the credit it deserves. It is only mentioned a few hundred times at orientation, when it should be mentioned at least a few hundred thousand.

In past years, UTK has updated their website to include not only Tmail, but Volmail as well. Older students now have the benefit of receiving multiple copies of the same email in entirely redundant accounts. Newer students lack the benefits of these redundant accounts, but when asking a freshman what they thought about this, they replied that “they hardly ever check their Volmail account, so it wouldn’t really matter.” This apathy is a problem that OIT is working to resolve. The information technology workhorse is currently creating a new Tmail service for newer students, so that they too will be incessantly reminded to check their email and not miss what just might be the next important shooting in Fort Sanders or the next robbery on the strip.

However, when asked what the biggest contribution to the UTK community that OIT has given students, many people replied that Blackboard had to be the biggest improvement. Blackboard gives students a chance to completely skip class but download all the relevant lecture notes. This is truly revolutionary. This reporter has used this site herself a few times and have found that, once you get past a few loading errors and the random days that it caves in on itself and explodes your internet, Blackboard can be a very useful tool. Teachers can put up their writing assignments right on the site, and not even have to explain or answer questions in class pertaining to its material. Through interviewing teachers on their thoughts on Blackboard, one teacher, Professor Kurk Bancock, responded that “Blackboard saves me so much time and effort. With it, I don’t have to deal with students or silly questions. Plus, they can even submit the file on there, that way I don’t have to handle a bunch of papers that have been stuck in a book and crumpled to pieces. Whether Blackboard is down or out of commission, it isn’t my problem. There’s no reason to even teach at this rate!”

OIT also allows students to call them for help or visit them during certain hours to help fix a computer or some other technological device issue. The person that answers the phone is genuinely helpful and usually suggests to bang the device up against the wall a few times. If that doesn’t work, they suggest downloading Windows again, even on a phone or iPod. If none of their suggestions work, they ask you to come into their office. The students that work during office hours have been through a rigorous full hour of training, and are about as helpful as industry leaders such as Comcast. Needless to say, you can rest assured that your laptop or mobile phone will be treated with the sincerest care. Just make sure you don’t need to install any programs, or need help getting a computer to turn on, because this is clearly too advanced for even the most capable of students.

by Slim Shay Tee