Butter Not Mess with PAULA DEEN

Next Tuesday, Paula Deen will be hosting a city-wide “Appreciation of Butter” festival in Knoxville.  The festival comes in response to city officials considering cracking down on supposedly  “unhealthy” foods such as deep-fried twinkies, chocolate-covered bacon, and Epic Meal Time’s Fast Food Lasagna.  While officials claim the proposed measures would merely apply to city-operated institutions, Paula Deen was quick to join the chorus of mostly overweight and diabetic citizens decrying the new stipulations.

“We will never let them take away our God-given rights to a hamburger cooked in its own grease, lathered in cheese, covered in bacon, and sandwiched between two donuts,” Deen said at a rally Thursday evening.  “Butter is slippery, which is why we should all be eating more of it – to lubricate our veins and arteries.  That’s just science.”

The Butter Festival will feature hot dog eating contests with prizes for both speed and quantity consumed.  Additionally, many food vendors are planning on setting up carts throughout the fairgrounds.  Local pizzeria owner James Smith called setting up a pizza cart at the festival a “no-brainer.”

“You’ve got the fattest and the laziest people in all of Knoxville all congregating to celebrate their own collective obesity.  It’s like taking asparagus from a very fat, very lazy baby.”

Paramedics will be on site to assist the many expected victims of cardiac arrest, as well as to generally point and laugh.  The medical staff will be working what the obese patrons are calling the “loser tent.”

“If you can’t handle the lard, swim your way out of the mayo vat,” said notably overweight citizen Billy Joe Bobby.

UTPD will be charged with securing the fairgrounds - an area they affectionately refer to as the “pig sty.”

By Tween Wolf

Candidates Interrupt Each Other, Kanye Interrupts Candidates

Attendees at this past week’s presidential debate were witness to a bizarre sight not originally aired on network or cable television.  While the debate was characterized by both candidates typically interrupting and talk over one another, at one bizarre juncture,  Kanye West stepped in to express his own unique take on matters of national importance.

“Imma let you finish, but I just wanna say... Ron Paul had the best platform of all time!”

The moment seemed to stun both major parties’ respective candidates, but as time went on, they seemed to welcome his entrance into the debate.

“I don’t know what’s better: gettin’ paid or gettin’ laid,” interjected Kanye during an exchange about the economy.  “What I mean by that is.. you see, they be a lot a people in America today who ain’t got no work.  They ain’t getting’ paid.  But that don’t mean you can’t get laid.  Don’t lose hope America, Kanye’s got your back!”

In a CNN insta-poll, the results showed  24% believed Obama won the debate, with 21% declaring Romney the victor, and 55% pledging their vote to Kanye.

Pundits have been quick to speculate on the long-term impact of a Kanye candidacy.  Democratic political adviser James Carville mused that Kanye had a strong chance of playing spoiler for Obama in many swing states as “most Romney supporters don’t listen to real music like Kanye West.  His lyrical genius will play right into the Republicans’ hands by siphoning off votes from Obama.”  Republican strategist Frank Luntz had a different take, “Everyone knows Kanye is the voice of a generation.  He has a real chance to win this thing outright.”

In closing remarks at the debate, Kanye had his best performance of the night – a moment many pundits are proclaiming as the tipping point in the race.  “I am not a fan of books, I would never want a book’s autograph.  I am a proud non-reader of books,” he began, “I feel like I’m too busy writing history to read it.  If I was just a fan of music, I would think that I was the number one artist in the world.  I still think I’m the greatest.  That is why you should vote for me, the lyrical genius and voice of a generation.  Also, George Bush still doesn’t care about black people.”

By Tween Wolf

New Greek Row Not To Be Confused With Actual Neighboring Greek Community

It seems far too coincidental that the location of UT’s new Sorority Row would be directly alongside the nesting site for Knoxville’s newest Greek immigrant population. A recent and unprecedented influx of Greek people has made Knoxville home in recent months. Greek emigration has spiked due to Greece’s recent economic trouble. And as Greece’s economy has declined, it seems confusion in Knoxville has proportionally risen. A growing number of the new immigrants have taken residence only a block from UT’s new Sorority Village. The uncanny proximity has set the stage for tremendous confusion.

Emilia Gertole, a Greek Knoxville resident, recently encountered problems when a number of guests to her wedding mistakenly arrived at the University’s Alpha Chi Omega house for the occasion. The wedding guests were all too merry and reportedly holding an impressive lamb offering when met with confused stares at the entrance to the AXO House. The Alpha Chi’s, getting ready for their fall formal, were equally confused. The first of the girls was amorously grabbed by the eldest woman of the lost group, who adorned her with several kisses on the cheek before lowering her down to safety, realizing she was not, in fact, related to her. According to witnesses, the group then extensively exchanged uncomfortable stares before being turned away.

The group then proceeded to knock on every door on the street, unwittingly also knocking on doors to incomplete homes and remaining there for several minutes awaiting an answer before moving on. This confusion resulted in the group “missing out on the hummus” that was served at the celebration.

Similarly, many UT students have found the proximity of the two communities inconvenient. A pungent odor of baklava has been cited present on Sorority Row. Many have reported feeling “less Greek” alongside actual Greek neighbors. Furthermore, many visitors to the UT sorority homes have mistakenly arrived in the Greek neighborhoods only to flee after overhearing cultural step dancing from outside.
T-link traffic has spiked with distress calls from students finding themselves in the community. Accidental drop-offs are at a record high for UT.

“Sometimes we’ll just drop them off there,” an anonymous T-link operator admitted openly to reporters. “They’re usually too drunk to notice,” the driver said pausing, “And I’m usually too underpaid to care.”

The Greek people, initially thrilled with news of shared Greek heritage, are now just puzzled as to why they are not being reciprocated. “We give them rack of lamb,” a local Greek woman said shaking her fist to reporters Thursday. “Rack of lamb! And they give us nothing!”

The attitude among students seems to follow a similar pattern.

“This is America, not Greece,” a UT student asserted, pointing out the countries on a large globe in his hands multiple times to reinforce his point. “I think we all need to remember that.”

As of now, the International House refuses to comment on the issue.

by Jillson

Extreme Parkour Geocaching

The day has come when two fads have come together to make a brand new baby-fad. Parkour (stunts performed by teenagers attempting to be as “hip” as video game characters from Assassin’s Creed) and Geocaching (treasure hunts done by retired old people with nothing to do) have become new ways of passing time among the UTK student body and indeed across the country, and their hybrid bastard offspring promises to take the world by storm.

The object of this new practice is to place a piece of paper (preferably in a small, camouflaged tube) on top of a building, inside some elevated area, or hidden inside some object that is impossible to get to unless performing a wild stunt. When the paper is grabbed, the person writes their name, the stunt they did to get it, and parkours it back to its original place for the next person.

Allen Schmidt, a “Parkour-Cache” enthusiast, has boasted finding over 300 different caches with over 1000 stunts. After being asked for a demonstration, the young man brought onlookers to the clock just outside of Humanities and Social Sciences. From there, he jumped up, straddled the clock, and then flipped to the top. After grabbing a piece of paper from out of the face of the clock, he proudly stated, “See? Nothing to it.”

Parkour caching does, however, come with its risks. Many building owners have had parkouring intruders on their properties, looking for caches. Attempts to find the next tricky cache have resulted in the widespread destruction of private property as well as the bones of many enthusiasts. Parkour-caching has even caused many deaths of younger, inexperienced parkour enthusiasts who, as Schmidt states, “haven’t properly honed their ability to leap from two-inch ledge to two-inch ledge.”

Many want this dangerous hobby banned because of its destruction on both property and humans alike. Celene White, an elderly homeowner, claimed she even saw a young man on top of her own house in search of a cache that was placed on her roof without her knowing.

“I miss the old days of Geocaching,” she said angrily, “Back in my day, caching was much more tranquil and a lot less dangerous. Only hooligans Geocache now.”

UT Campus is Going Extreme Green

As the brutal summer heat fades into the crisp air of fall, the leaves of Rocky Top slowly turn to shimmery shades of orange. Naturally, the leaders of UT’s Make Orange Green Campaign are furious. “We’re trying SO HARD to make this campus as green as possible, so of course nature has to come and screw everything up!” said the student president of the campus organization. With the leaves changing faster, this environmental group has been scrambling to find a solution to their fading reputation.

Fortunately for them, a hidden supply closet tucked into the depths of the theatre department was recently uncovered, only to be filled floor to ceiling with different shades of green paint. When interviewed of the recent find, the head of the theatre department replied, “There’s no telling how long that paint has been sitting there. Probably since the performance of A Mid Summer’s Night Dream in 1952” The environmental council jumped at the opportunity to commandeer the vast quantity of free paint, and now plan to change UT’s landscape, one paint brush at a time.

The task of painting each leaf green has proven to be a harder job than originally thought; the ‘Literally Make Orange Green’ campaign has had a slow start. “We’re having a really hard time recruiting people for the job; it turns out that no one in the environmental group wants to go around painting trees! And to think they say they have the best interests of UT in mind…” remarked a weary manager for the project. Still, the campaign announces that they will not give up their dream of seeing an artificial green colored campus.

However, it appears that many roadblocks stand in their way to emerald victory. The campus’s health board carries concerns over the safety of the old paint. Various tests have concluded that every recovered paint can contains copious amounts of lead. The campaign coordinators have chosen to respond by largely ignoring all warnings about the paint. “For your information, I have been using this paint non-stop for three weeks and haven’t felt a thing. This stuff is so safe, you could drink it!” Against the interviewer’s wishes, the volunteer scooped a large amount of paint in his hand and proceeded to slurp it. When asked for a follow-up interview, the volunteer expressed signs of delusion with extreme mood swings. A few weeks later, he left UT to check into an elderly home specializing in patients with Alzheimer’s disease.

Only time will tell if the Literally Make Orange Green Campaign will be successful. Hopefully the contributors of the project will keep their sanity in the process.

by Doc Brown

Jeter’s Standing Not Diminished After Leg Amputation

Fans in New York are outraged at the recent decision to bench recent double amputee Derek Jeter. Jeter, famous shortstop who has been with the team for 18 years, recently lost both legs to a flesh-eating virus that slowly crept up his leg for the last few years, finally requiring amputation.

“I kept asking for a season off for the surgery required to rid myself of the awful disease,” Jeter said, “but Steinbrenner (the team’s owner), kept pointing out a clause in my contract requiring me to play. I hate New York.”

Fans throughout New York are outraged at general manager Joe Girardi’s decision to take Jeter from the line-up.

Joe Metzcalf, a hot dog vendor on the north east corner of Central Park believed that the team is making the wrong decision in benching the former stud.

“Everyone knows that Jeter is better with no legs than any other shortstop in the game. Name one shortstop in the league, and I’ll guarantee you Derek Jeter could take him in a fight, AND sleep with his wife.”

With the Yankees recent loss to the Tigers in the American League Championship, avid baseball fan Jerry Feinstein has started a petition for Major League Baseball to restart the series with Detroit, this time playing Jeter in every game.

Feinstein told the media Wednesday, “I really like our chances with this one. The MLB loves us, and this petition is already 300,000 strong.”

Feinstein later told reporters, “If they don’t do what we want, I’m going to shove a dildo the size of a baseball bat down Bud Selig’s throat”

The team has run Jeter through some drills with the shortstop in a sports wheelchair, but Jeter was rather unsuccessful, missing every catch thrown his way by a few dozen feet. At bat, the shortstop went 1-for-12, with his sole hit bouncing off the edge of a wheel spoke.

Jeter later told press,” I’m in a wheelchair. Why am I even here? And now, my stubs are bleeding….great.”

Girardi, the team’s manager, stated in a press conference Thursday, “I don’t understand what’s not to get here. Derek will never play again. He’s done. He lost his f***ing legs. This isn’t backyard baseball. God, I hate New York.”

Due to contractual obligations, Derek will continue to work for the organization in the janitorial field, scrubbing toilets, cleaning seats, and scrubbing the team’s ice baths.

“God I hate New York”, stated Jeter.

According to the team’s owner, if he does a decent job down in the scrubs, he could get bumped up to concessions, pending any more injuries.

A rally is being held outside of the front gates to Yankee Stadium next Tuesday in an effort for Steinbrenner to fire every one in the organization, and fill the roster out with Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and an old vinyl copy of Lou Gehrig’s retirement speech.

by Boolean Kapur

UT Offers Benefits to Married Cousins

The LGBT community at UT is upset with the administration for their recent announcement that they refuse to offer equal employee benefits to same-sex couples. Chancellor Jimmy Cheek heard these cries of outrage, and has devised the perfect plan to appease the rowdy faculty and students. “The University of Tennessee will now be offering employee benefits to those faculty members who are married to their cousins,” said the chancellor at a press conference held outside the Clarence Brown Theatre. Uproar followed this announcement, involving lots of screaming and shaking of fists. Cheek smiled at this reaction, obviously misunderstanding what was happening, took a bow, and walked away.

One professor of plant sciences, who prefers to remain anonymous, made a statement regarding this decision. “Me and Berta, we, um, we real happy ‘bout this here decision. I been havin’ some issues with my heart lately, Doc says I been eatin’ too much butter and salt. I don’ trust modern medicine but Berta’s been wantin’ me to get check ups, and they ain’t cheap, no sir. Good ole Jimmy sure got our bes’ interests at heart. He sure do."

On the day following the announcement, Cheek found his office door egged with deviled eggs. According to his assistant, they tasted delicious. Sensing the faculty’s subtle attempt to convey their rage at this new policy, Cheek convened another press conference, ironically in front of the newly vacated PIKE house. Cheek got right down to business, opening his speech with: “I don’t understand what you people want from me. You get mad at me for following the policy of the state of Tennessee regarding same-sex marriage benefits. Then you get mad at me for breaking with state policy and offering benefits to married cousins. What more can I do? All of you just go home. Whether it’s to your same-sex partner, or a family member, I don’t even care. Just go away.” Cheek left the microphone in tears, running like a girl all the way back to his car: a baby blue Toyota Prius.

by Anita Knapp

UT students want better facilities, but no construction

The Student Government Association released a press release imploring the school to cease all construction on campus to relieve the burden on students, while at the same time asking for new and better facilities.

 “We are gathered here today to demand an end to the incessant improvement projects going on at the school,” SGA said today during an interview in Estabrook Hall.

“For too long we have had to continually dodge workmen and cranes just to get to class, when the school should be focused on creating better educational environments. Have you seen this place? It’s a wreck!” he continued, dodging a piece of 19th century plaster falling from the ceiling.

The SGA Vice-President voiced similar opinions.

“This school needs to double its efforts to revamp the buildings around here, and they also need to get rid of those smelly construction workers. They stare at us when we walk by, it creeps me out.”

 “And what the hell is up with that giant hole in the ground behind the Haslam Business Building? We need to cover that up with something,” he continued, referring to the ongoing construction of UT’s new University Center.

After the conference, several students spoke to this reporter about what they thought of the issue.

“It really bothers me that some freshman I will never meet is going to reap the benefits of something I am paying for. What is this, communism? If I am paying for a new engineering building for instance, I want it now! And none of that, ‘It takes years to construct even a decent building’ crap. They build the first stadium here in under a year,” Edward Cunningham exclaimed.

A sophomore majoring in Sub-Saharan Pottery Techniques, as well as being a dedicated alcoholic, continued, “I mean of course it doesn’t take years and years to create world class laboratories and cutting edge classrooms. If it did, then all of the complaining about the construction here on campus would be nothing but self-defeating!”

Hunter Stubbleston, a fraternity member majoring in Wasting His Parents Money, also expressed serious concerns about the direction UT is heading.

“I know we are trying to become a Top-25 school, but let’s just throw a few classroom trailers in Neyland Stadium during the off-season, and call it quits. I’m pretty tired of actually having to walk everywhere. We evolved with feet to work the gas pedal, not for “so-called” healthy transportation.

Besides, if all this construction and tuition are what it takes to create a Top-25 school, I am no longer sure we really need that. What if we settled for like, Top-50, or better yet Top-70?”

by Archibald Krakenbarger

Hipsters Embrace the Mainstream

All across the nation young urban “hipsters” are embracing mainstream American culture on the grounds that not liking the mainstream has just become way too mainstream. Indeed, hordes of former coffee shop enthusiasts are trading in their beanies for baseball caps, their thick-rimmed glasses for contact lenses, and their Wes Anderson films for any movie featuring Sandra Bullock.

Said one UT hipster, “Yeah, I mean, I used to listen to a lot of Bon Iver, but then I saw that his Facebook page had over 1 million likes, so I downloaded some Katy Perry CDs.”

Many hipsters now feel that their counterculture has become saturated – that the only way to remain truly indie is to endorse all that is conventional.

“For me, the last straw was seeing three sorority girls at the farmer’s market ask whether or not some eggs were ‘cruelty free-organic,’” said hipster Nick Fitzgerald, “Now when I go out to eat at big chain restaurants, I’m not doing it ironically.”

When asked if there was a certain irony to his mainstream conversion – done in effort to be even more hip – Fitzgerald smirked and said, “It’s a really obscure concept man; you probably won’t get it.”

by Morgan Mason

UT Pride, Orange the New ‘Olive’

They are everywhere and easy to spot. Sheer orange radiance precedes their arrival.  So who are these creatures, these oompa-loompa look-alikes? These are the ladies of UT, and they are gearing up for the events that will take place later on this month.

Fusions Tanning Salon is a hot spot this season for UT students. Located on Melrose Place, the establishment is strategically placed to draw in naïve Massey-landers and library-goers. Fusions offers many ways for achieving that special look for their customers. Jessica Mills, sophomore, says, “Of course, Fusions offers tanning beds. But I think puke tones match my eyes, so I go with spray tans.” One may ask why the trend now is to get an orange-ish tint to your skin and eschew the olive tones of old. There are two main reasons.

On Saturday, Alabama will be at Neyland and it is vital that students show their school pride. Our football team may suck, but our student section can still be orange as hell. By getting those spray-ons that turn your skin orange, those Roll Tide bastards will know just where our loyalty stands! Male students would do well to follow their counterpart’s example, along with wearing orange body suits and dying mustaches on gameday (girls with mustaches are strongly discouraged from following suit). School spirit must be shown at all times.

So, the girls got their tans, wore their orange dresses, and succeeded at resembling large, orange turds on game day. Is there still are point?

You are walking down Pedestrian. You see an orange girl, and all of a sudden you can’t stop thinking about snickers and lollipops and you don’t know why. Has this happened to you? In keeping with tradition, students are successfully tanning orange to look more festive and pumpkin-like. Who doesn’t like seeing orange when Halloween is just two weeks away? We all have fond memories of Jack-o-lanterns past, and the mixture of thoughts about pumpkins and oompa-loompas can only lead to the thought of candy!
Elle Woods is wrong. Orange is the new pink (or rather olive). So don’t be afraid to go orange. Get out there and show your love for UT and Halloween!

by Frau Blucher

Budget Cuts... UTPD Replaced by Mercs

Now infamous are UT’s consistent and controversial tuition hikes.  While students cry out for relief and demand something be done to balance the university budget without again forcing them to shoulder the burden, the administration has been less than optimistic that an amenable arrangement can be found.

“In order to keep our check book balanced without raising tuition,” Chancellor Jimmy Cheek hesitantly stated at a press conference earlier this morning, “It looks like the University of Tennessee is going to have to cut out the entire UTPD budget.”

The news was greeted with a unanimous gasp and sporadic yelling to which the Chancellor started matter-of-factly: “I don’t know why any of you all are worrying… it is not like the African Mercenaries that will be replacing them can’t do their job just as well. And only for a dollar a day!”

“Dis is gud ting for University.” said American Southeast Regional Warlord Milton Blahyi. “My people will do gud and keep many students safe and kill many highwaymen dat come through.”

The Somalian Mercs are due to start patrolling the campus in Vietnam era jeeps later next month. Instead of being supplied with the typical Taser, nightstick, handcuff, and handgun outfit, the mercenaries will be given standard Russian AK-47s and zip-ties.

UTK is not the first to try out programs such as this. Other such pioneers include the City of Detroit, various drug operations, and the Nation of Greece. Surprisingly, fewer crimes are committed when there are Mercenaries staring people down from jeeps with mounted 50 cal. machine guns patrolling through urban areas.

“I don’t know why you all are throwing things at me!” Shouted the Chancellor from behind the podium. “Not only does it bring us out of the red, it makes our campus so much more diverse!”

By Sly Stone

UTK Fraternity Sparks Butt Wine-Tasting Craze

The recent “buttchugging” craze, initiated from the stately gentleman of Pi Kappa Alpha at the University of Tennessee and their recent stint with a certain alcohol enema, has sparked a wildfire of buttwine tastings across the continental U.S.

The 50-60 year old widowed and divorced women demographic, known by many as the cougar, has embraced the idea as a great past time and a fun and interesting way to reel in their “prey”, the inebriated college fraternity brother.

Nothing gets me going like sticking a rubber tube deep into my intestines, crouching fetal position on my back, and indulging in a lovely Château de Brown,” said Pi Kappa Alpha member John Yaust. “Nothing like it bro."

Buttwinetasting has become so popular that even classic wineries in Martha’s Vineyard and Nappa Valley have begun to offer deluxe buttwine tasting weekends, offering lavish and exotic wine tours, all straight from the anus. Some vineyards are offering buttdecanting classes, informing their drinkers how to best enjoy the finest buttwines. Others are offering a “romantic” alternative with buttwine spouts on tap in room, and a split hose for a wild and erotic night of ingesting wine straight from your butt-hole.

The new alcoholic indulgance has, however, garnered some criticism from various groups across the country.

The famous non-profit “One Million Moms” posted a 20-page tirade on their website Friday morning declaring, “Alcohol is a sin from the liberal devil and it is NEVER meant to be consumed through such a sacred orifice as the anus. The bible says that only water and the occasional smoothie are allowed to be consumed anally. It specifically mentions that anyone slurping Bud lights out their bums are going STRAIGHT TO HELL.”

The fraternity’s acceptance of their proud culture and step out of the “buttchugging” closet has raised morale for the community who has suffered from rampant hatred in recent years.

Junior Pi Kappa Alpha brother Adam Green recalled the days of old.

“For the longest time, I remember us buttchugging in the bathroom because it was the only room in the house with no windows, and you better believe we couldn’t use rubber tubing. Too suspicious. Back in the early years, we could only take the spare P.V.C. pipes from the construction zones around campus. Now, that, was an enema.”

Green went on later to say, “I cherish the day that me and my brothers can kick back and enjoy a nice “buttguzzle” at our tail gates for the whole world to see. We’re a proud people, and we want everyone to know about what we stick in our anus’. Bro”

Buttwine tasting parties have become such a fad that NBC’s The Today Show will be broadcasting live from the University of Tennessee campus Monday morning with features on the consumption techniques early origins here in the Pike house.

Later in the day Kathie Lee and Hota, the show’s alcoholic time wasting duo, will host their own Buttwine tasting on the top of the Hill on Ayres Hall south yard. Rumors have begun to circulate that Chancellor Jimmy Cheek and Coach Dooley, fresh off a sure beat down of SEC East rivals Georgia, will join the crew for the broadcast.

By Boolean Kapur

Physics Exam Arrested, Charged With Multiple Counts Of Rape

UT Police issued a report early Wednesday morning detailing the alleged rape of several university students by a physics exam in the Nielsen Physics Building, the latest case in an outbreak of on-campus rapes since August.  The rapes are said to have taken place in Room 102 between 9:40 and 10:55 AM on Tuesday, September 25th.  Campus police were reluctant to discuss further details until the investigation is complete, but The Tangerine managed to exclusively obtain several documents related to the case.

According to a sworn affidavit by one of the victims, who chose not to be identified, the exam presented itself to the students inside the classroom promptly at 9:40 AM.  The exam then allegedly demanded that the students perform a number of horrible tasks, which some students compared to psychological torture.  Refusal to perform these unprintable acts was said to result in even worse consequences.

“It was awful,” said one of the victims in an exclusive interview with The Tangerine, “I mean, they say you shouldn’t walk through Fort Sanders alone at night, but I never would have thought this kind of thing could have happened in broad daylight on campus soil.  After what happened, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe on this campus again.”

“I’ll probably transfer to Pellissippi or something,” added the victim.

 UT Police have also arrested and are also investigating the possibility of charging a second figure as an accomplice to the crimes.  A majority of the police records on file relating to the case describe a second figure that facilitated the rapes by forcing the students into the classroom at the time the rapes occurred, and holding them hostage until the exam was finished.

“They just sat there,” said another victim in a police report obtained by The Tangerine, “They just sat there watching us get assaulted against our will, almost with an expression of glee plastered all over their face.  What kind of sick fucking goddamned world are we living in?”

News of the alleged rapes has spread all over campus, and has even garnered reactions from local residents.

“I am very concerned about this development,” said Henry Skolvic, 55, “My wallet was a victim of rape shortly after enrolling my child in the University of Tennessee some twenty years ago, and it’s very disconcerting to see that this issue has yet to be resolved.”

University police are enlisting the assistance of the Knoxville Police Department in the ongoing investigation.  Some students, however, seem skeptical of the efforts by university police in pursuing this case.

“Man, they ain’t gonna catch that exam,” said TJ Heffern, sophomore in economics.  “Hell, I raped some bitch in South Carrick jus’ the other night, and you don’t see no police comin’ fer me.  I—wait, are you printin’ my name next to that?  Aw, fuck…”

Campus police, with the help of the SWAT team, are scheduled to stage a raid on a calculus exam next Monday.

By The Pain Train

Building Condemned, HSS Department Moves In

Citing numerous health and safety violations, local authorities have condemned yet anotherbuilding owned by the University of Tennessee. The building, located in the area between Caledonia
Avenue and the strip, was described by authorities as being “completely unsuitable for habitation of
any sort, for any duration of time.” Shortly after the condemnation was finalized, the university
announced the Humanities department would be moving their central offices into the building.

The building in question was constructed in 1952 and purchased by the university in the 1970s.
The building then sat unused and in complete disrepair for the remainder of the century until just
recently coming to the attention of local health and safety inspectors. In the intervening period, various
infestations of roaches and varmints took root in the building – leaving behind animal droppings and
sundry other biological matter which now coats the walls and floors. Meanwhile termites and even a
contingent of overzealous beavers undermined the building's structural integrity.

University chancellor Jimmy Cheek was excited about the Humanities and Social Sciences
Department's move to their new location. “Buildings like these age like a fine cheese, I say,” he said,
opening the front door to the newly ordained office space. He then proceeded to gag violently, turning
a sickly green but refusing to relinquish his strained smile, “and just like a good cheese these buildings
sometimes get smellier with age.”

Beyond the structural damage and profluence of biological remnants, authorities also cited
various flaws in construction methodology which further solidified their case for condemnation. “The
1950s were a different time,” said lead inspector Archie Ball, “today you just can't get away with
constructing drywall out of pure asbestos and painting over it with lead paint. These days
organizations have far more respect for the health and safety of their members than to subject them to
such detrimental working conditions.”

The HSS move-in will begin this coming Monday. All department faculty and staff will have
their offices relocated to the decrepit and rapidly deteriorating building within the next few weeks.
“We're looking forward to this exciting new chapter in the life of our most-prestigious
Humanities department,” said Chancellor Cheek.

Students wishing to take advantage of office hours or schedule other appointments are
encouraged to wear protective gear such as gas-masks or hazard suits when visiting their professors in
the new facility.

“We can't stress this enough, this building is completely and utterly unsuited for any purpose
whatsoever. It's not so much a building as it is a landfill waiting to happen – we're pretty sure parts of
it are radioactive somehow,” said lead inspector Ball.

“We've never let something as trivial as 'the value of human life' get in the way of our mission
to educate our students,” responded Cheek.

by Tween Wolf

PIKE members awarded Torch Bearer Award

This week at a large ceremony in Neyland Stadium, Chancellor Jimmy Cheek awarded the Torchbearer Award and a full 4-year scholarship to the members of the PIKE fraternity for their numerous contributions to the UT campus and school.

“What we have really been focused on for the past few years is getting our school back on the map, as a Top-25 university. Through the valiant efforts of these drunken frat boys, we have done just that. At great risk to themselves, they have taken the initiative to get UT noticed by the entire nation. Nothing quite says ‘Come to UT’ like your school being featured by Anderson Cooper,” Cheek said.

“We may not be Top-25 in academics, or even sports, but we are definitely number 1 in butt-chugging! Take that Alabama,” Cheek said as he stepped back.

Accepting the award were four members of the frat, each waddling up the stage and holding a funnel above their head with the other end still inserted into their own rectum. Obviously trashed, and stumbling with each step, the members tried to start by thanking the school, but ended up singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ by Journey as they slowly collapsed and were taken away by an awaiting ambulance.

“It brings a tear to your eye, seeing them give their all for their school. What have you done recently?” Cheek continued, suddenly yelling at the assorted engineering and physics majors, who had been summoned into the sunlight by the promise of extra credit on the Differential Equations homework.

Later that evening, members of PIKE and the other fraternities met in a private ceremony in the University Center with the chancellor and deans for another round of congratulations.

In between workshops for the other frats on the proper sterilization methods for rubber tubing and basic fluid dynamics and lubrication theory, Cheek made a challenge.

“I know you kids work hard on your drinking abilities, but in all honesty, you wouldn’t have lasted a week back in my days at Texas A&M,” the Chancellor said in between his cans of Bud Light he and the deans found left over on campus from the Akron game.

“In fact, I’ll make y’all a bet; if you walking tampons can outdrink me and my buddies here, I can promise that that the UTPD will never bother y’alls houses again. But if we win, well, let’s just say it won’t be pretty,” he continued.

“You’re on old man! But the only thing is, some of us have an early class tomorrow, and we were thinking of going, we haven’t been in a couple weeks,” the fraternity presidents responded.

There was silence for a full five seconds in the Shiloh Room before everyone started laughing hysterically.

It was a long night of beer Olympics, body shots, and pyramids, and all the funnels were absolutely filthy from overuse.  However, unlike at the UT-Florida game, the rightful victors came out on top. Through vomit, tears, and sad inebriated calls home that would make even a drunken sorostitute cringe out of pity, the frat presidents, one by one, begged for mercy and conceded victory to the chancellor and the deans.

“Please!” One frat boy cried, “Make the spinning stop, I had too many Mike’s!”

“You’re all pussies! With all the money your parents waste on your ‘brothers’, I would’ve at least expected some kind of real challenge here,” Cheek said.

Chancellor Cheek, somehow still standing after consuming enough liquor to take down a fully grown Russian, ended the evening by having the UTPD issue citations to the frat boys for public intoxication, all the while still yelling about how UT will become a Top 25 university.

by Archibald Krakenbarger

Crime Rate at UTK Skyrockets

Students and parents are becoming concerned with the sudden rise in crimes committed on the UTK campus. UTPD and campus officials have determined that in order to increase security and prevent further occurrences, past 10:00 P.M. women must be escorted by personnel picked out and trained by the UTPD. Escorts are approximately 7’5” with so many muscles that their eyeballs even bulge with masculine pride. These are classified as “meatheads”. When asking one of the women on the strip about what she thinks of her escort, we could not get much of a reply; however, we did notice that drool hung from her mouth as she ogled the piece of man next to her.

The UTPD strongly advises that men also utilize “meatheads,” but they are not required. This suggestion is to protect them from a type of pervert known as “Chester Molesters”. Though commonly mistaken for “Chester the Molester”, these are two entirely different entities. “Chester Molesters” prefer men as their targets, particularly ones named Chester. However, many men refuse to use these new escorts when told of the option. “Man, I’m strong enough to take any uh these fools!” Tyler Relyt responded when asked why he didn’t use one of the escorts.

“Men need to swallow their pride and use these escorts,” said an UTPD officer. “There are several ‘Chester Molesters’ around campus in Fort Sanders, Estabrook and most prominently on the Strip.”

Officials have also deployed several guards trained in animal control stationed along the streets bordering the campus. In the event another bear intrudes onto campus, it will be easily detained before causing damage. This policy also provides skilled professionals that can help control the rage of drunken frat boys the campus experiences almost nightly. According to animal control officers, these drunken hooligans are usually “as hard to sedate as most wild bears.”

Security companies have also decided that they will increase locks and security systems on or near doors. These scanners can detect whether an individual carries a firearm on their person, and even surmise their identity as well.  People must go through a rigorous, full body scan when walking through the door, and if they are not considered a student or faculty member of UTK by the electronic system, they will be denied entry, and then vaporized by high-powered lasers.

“I feel so much more confident letting my baby walk the Knoxville streets now,” said a parent concerning the upgrades. “UTK has done a great job taking care of my child.”

By Slim Shay Tee

American Graffiti

In a recent, unusually vehement statement, University President Joe DiPietro chastised students for constant defacement of UT bathroom stalls.

DiPietro began his message abruptly, saying “passing gas is a most sacred act, and I will not stand to have it interrupted by some damned, poorly drawn penis on the stall door.”

According to DiPietro, even more offensive than “shoddily rendered phallic imagery” are the frequent grammatical errors.

“What do you think an agent for US World News is going to do when he visits the campus, goes to relieve himself and sees ‘your an idiot’ scrawled on the wall? He’ll knock us down with MTSU or South Dakota State or some other cesspool of humanity.”

DiPietro went on to speak of his visits to Ivy League institutions, where visits to restrooms are akin to “visiting a museum of fine art,” filled with poetic and visual masterpieces, including an exact replica of the Mona Lisa drawn by some kid with a number two pencil. DiPietro related eating “exorbitant amounts of Chinese” just for an excuse to return to the stalls.

“Then I return to UT, just to be greeted by a world of genitalia, incessant baiting, “theres” instead of “theirs,” and people eager to inform the world that they can write their Greek letters.”

DiPietro ended his statement with a dire message, saying that the “Big Orange Screw” could quite easily become much “bigger, orangier, and screwier” if students do not begin to improve the quality of their graffiti.

“What is seen here is a disparity of effort. We as administration have held up our end of the bargain, attracting quality faculty and bringing in consecutively more qualified freshman classes. Yet our student body cannot so much as create attractive graffiti?”

“Look, I’m sure that boobs made you a star in high school, just as cuss words were edgy in middle school, and scribbling on a desk in kindergarten made you a veritable William Wallace. But now you are at a serious institution, with serious goals. Just try. For once. Please.”

 By Sling Blade

Hooters becomes new UT sponsor

As UT’s morale declines from the overall performance of the football team, the sponsors
feel less enthusiastic about their endorsement decisions. Companies like the already outdated
Dish Network have considered dropping UT altogether while Adidas, the main athletic sponsor,
have particularly felt the negative effects from the drop in school spirit. The few companies that
stay committed to the university are widely considered to have a reputation for being second rate in their selected field. When interviewed on the current situation, the Adidas corporate manager
for the UT sector replied, “We know, we know, we’re not Nike, okay? But we’re tied to the
school now, and this is what you get. If you want your precious swish, do a better job in more
than just one quarter of the game.”

Luckily, one sponsor has stepped up to the plate to aid UT from their dropped marketing
deals. At the next home game, Derek Dooley himself will introduce the newest sponsor, Hooters.
To jump start their new sponsorship, the delicious chain restaurant will provide Dooley with his
very own pair of orange hot pants, and the band is already working on their owl-eyes formation.
A recent poll showed that a massive proportion of the student body have already bought their
tickets. To elevate the hype on the change of the cheerleader outfits, Hooters leaked the new
design for the game, bright orange jail suits with the Hooters logo printed on the back. “With the
new sponsorship of Hooters, we’ll have the game locked up!” exclaimed the corporate manager
in charge of the uniform design.

The announcement of Hooters joining the UT family has even effected an influx of
applications for future students. More and more prospective students have made the application
process more selective, furthering the drive to drive up the university’s rankings. Jimmy Cheek
has embraced the family-oriented restaurant with open arms. He even plans on adopting some of
their recipes into the dining halls. “Yeah, they have the biggest, juiciest breasts there. Oh, and
there’s wings too. And thighs. Meaty thighs…”Cheek said as he slowly stared off into space.

By Doc Brown

PSA Protests Ryan

On Thursday, September 27^th, Paul Ryan visited Knoxville to attend a fundraiser lunch at the Knoxville Marriott. While this may have come as welcome news to the members of UT’s College Republicans, the PSA (Progressive Student Alliance) had a few choice words to say about it. According to the PSA, Ryan is ‘sexist,’ ‘racist,’ and harbors an ‘anti-worker agenda.’

In an interview with several members of the PSA, some clarifications were made about why this man hates women, black people, and workers.

“Well, he hasn’t like really said or done anything per se, it’s just kinda fun to say that he’s sexist. Hey, guess what my favorite cartoon character is!” said Gladys Mills.

Another PSA lady was a little defensive and slightly less dim-witted with her answer. “Connect those dots. He’s a member of the Great Whore of Babylon equals not supporting forced birth control in religious establishments that reject birth control which equals WIFE-BEATING, MALE SUPREMACIST, GET-BACK-IN-THE-KITCHEN-AND-MAKE-ME-LASAGNA, SEXIST PIG! And no, Ms. Prissy-britches, his view on religious freedom’s got NOTHING to do with it.” Her grammatically spurious claims made this reporter’s head hurt.

When Jody Wilkinson was asked about Ryan, he responded “Accusing Ryan of being racist is understandable. He made that ridiculous speech in August, passionately yelling out, ‘They wanna put y’all back in’… oh wait no, wrong nominee…”

Undeterred, Wilkinson continued, “But, he totally supports Mitt Romney and shipping jobs to homeless workers in third world countries. Also, you should note that scarcity is a myth created by the man.”

The PSA meets every Wednesday at 7:30 pm in room 227 of the UC. “Every meeting, we all sit on the floor in a circle. After we burn several sticks of incense, we begin our debates which encompass all of reality. Nothing can hide from the compass of truth that we all have inside.” stated junior Dick Burns. “Nobody needs numbers or facts to make a decision… just their heart, man.”

Renowned sociologist Dr. Olson Johnson believes that “the PSA’s debating behavior is almost identical to an inebriated Bill O’Reilly’s (but we repeat ourselves): they make up facts for their opponents, and then tear them apart. It’s basic straw man. They just, you know, kind of suck at it.”  

“I wouldn’t say I support Ryan,” said Democrat Lo Wang. “But I respect the guy for his economic and policy expertise. I mean… It isn’t like he is Rick Santorum or anything!”