Not only are teachers being subjected to this treatment, but also UT has taken this a step forward. They apply this rule to their students as well. All fraternities and sororities have been disbanded, members truthfully stating that they are no longer “innocent enough to comply with this rule.”
Kimmy Hedd, a junior majoring in wheelbarrow repair was one of many extremely upset over the new policy. “What sick person is still a virgin on campus?” he asked while being escorted off campus. “Seriously, EVERYONE has sex in college! Only pasty-faced, awkward weirdoes are still virgins in college.”
While nearly all on-campus housing is now empty, the roughly 1100 students still left are almost all located in Morrill Hall.
Alex McGill, a sophomore majoring in architecture, said he was not too concerned with the new policy.
“Sure sex is awesome. From what I’ve heard. But who has time, honestly? Why should I bother trying to get a girl when I can find all the porn in the world on my laptop? All I need is my roommate gone in the library, and a drawer full of tube socks and I’m good!”
The typical students still left consist mostly of engineering students and pre-health majors, with only the occasional sustainability or pre-law student mixed in.
In the case of doctors and engineers, however, their excuse is their lack of time. “Besides,” Tyler Moore, freshman majoring in chemical engineering, said, “I get fucked over enough from engineering tests. Now the thought of sex just makes me think of giant red X's and a grade of 35 on exams,” he said as a shiver racked his body and his eyes listed over. “My therapist says that I am getting better every week, but...It was just such a traumatic experience...I...I don't want to talk about it anymore.”
In one last protest, a large group of students did attempt to take part in a celebratory act of civil disobedience on the South Lawn of Ayres Hall. Sadly, the protest ended much earlier than expected with many cries of, ‘I’m sorry, that’s never happened before!’ and more than a few witnesses reported hearing ‘It’s not you, I swear!’
By: Slim Shay Tee
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