New Student Organization to Promote Absolutely Nothing

OutReach, SGA, FBLA, IMPACT… University of Tennessee has more student organizations for more causes than women Charlie Sheen claims he's slept with. Many of these organizations have one core aspect in common: they all work to promote a social/religious cause, political issue, interests on behalf of the student, or other so-called ‘important’ topics. What most fail to realize, however, is the blatant discrimination common among the elite, “I’m-smarter-and-more-productive-than-you” student organizations: No organization has existed for the advancement of lazy students... until now. 

                UT claims to be nondiscriminatory by allowing the creation of student coalitions for every harmless cause on the spectrum, ranging from normal to nutty. However, UT’s policy only permits the creation of official student organizations if they are working towards a so-called “productive goal.” Administration officials do not permit an organization on behalf of uninterested students who don’t care and don’t want to do anything. Caroline Donahue and Josh M. O’Connor (who requested to have his middle name redacted in order to remain anonymous) saw this discrimination, protested the “fascist university” that we attend, won their case, and are now in the process of starting a brand new organization – one that has the interests of the common student at heart. Said Donahue, “We will be setting up a stand on Pedestrian next week in an effort to spread awareness. Not many folks know about the plight of lazy people. I know there are a lot of us out there, if we can just get the uninterested people interested.”

                The co-leaders have many ideas for what Students Advocating for Nothing In Particular (SANIP) will actually do (that is, nothing in particular). “For one meeting I’m planning on having members meet at a room in Hodges, and I’m thinking that I would have us all lay down and take a nap” described an enthusiastic future officer of SANIP. “And for another one, I think it’d be cool if we all get in this circle and talk about our favorite whispers from the UTK Whispers facebook page.” Undeclared sophomore Josh O’Connor, who shall remain anonymous, explained what issues will be discussed at a typical meeting: “Since we seem to be the only ones on campus who are not ignorant with the fact that we are ignorant, we are going to address strictly irrelevant issues. Like if Justin Beiber really was born with a vagina. Or how does one properly keep a resume unimpressive.”

                Unfortunately, because SANIP only caters to students who care about nothing and don’t want to get involved with anything, it is unlikely that those students will be interested in getting involved with the organization at all. “But this is more than trying to get members,” said North Carrick resident and president of SANIP O'Connor, “it is a fight, a proclamation, that yes, lazy and uninterested people do exist and they wish to be given equal representation on campus. Even if they don’t care one way or another. Look for their stand next week and hear their powerful slogan, “WE. JUST. DON’T. CARE!”

Frau Blucher