More Boxing Tournaments Ahead, All Rejoice

In the aftermath of the recent annual Boxing Weekend, UT feels distinctly less charged with excitement, unity, and testosterone. As fraternity brother Keith Warren puts it, “It’s the sweatiest weekend of the year, bro. Bro, you gotta enjoy it while it lasts.” As the tournament came to a close, spectators, winners, and losers alike returned sadly to non-violent, fully- clothed normalcy. Sophomore Chad Moore even claimed “post-tournament depression,“ saying, “everything else is just a let down after that high. Boxing weekend is the only time I feel really alive.” Still, others do not mourn the past, but look to the future, full of hope. “I can’t wait to hit more shirtless dudes next year,” said heavyweight champion Jake Harding, “I’ll be defending my title for the ninth year in row! At this rate, I’ll graduate at about the same time my brain damage starts to show!”

Luckily, though, it seems that our next fix of homoerotic masochism is not so far away. It seems that certain other clubs on campus have noticed the popularity of SAE’s tournament and decided to model similar events after this wildly successful “philanthropy” fundraiser. So fear not, bloodthirsty spectators! Next month, a rash of new boxing tournaments will take place, beginning with an all-out brawl between the Engineering department and the Pride of the Southland Marching Band. In regard to the upcoming fight, freshman Chemical Engineering major Benjamin Carlisle explained his strategy for victory: “I basically broke the act of pummeling human flesh down to its most basic effective form. I’m planning to surprise my opponent by slapping, rather than punching, for maximum impact. Slapping both induces pain and stuns the victim with minimal force. I’m anticipating an easy win.”

By contrast, the marching band has been working out for weeks. Katie Franklin, a sizable girl from the tuba section, outlined her routine in preparation for the big day. “I usually start off by bench-pressing a flute player. Then, I jog in place while we’re in drill formation. I drink a lot of milk. But, honestly, I’m not worried. Cody Stricklin (the drum major, AKA that guy who runs across the field and does that thing with his legs) has a mean roundhouse kick, and he’s out for engineer blood. Straight to the jaw. It could be freakin’ fatal.” The match will take place April 5th in the alley next to Noodles and Company. Mark your calendars! Light refreshments will be provided and all proceeds will go to Brenda the homeless woman who hangs around the gas station a lot.

Other upcoming tournaments will pit the Lady Vols basketball team against the Lambda Student Union, the African Students Association against Campus Crusade, and the Honors Program against the Ballroom Dance Team. Fun for the whole family! Be sure to check out The Tangerine for future developments and exclusive interviews.

By Mittens Freeman