Attention students: it has begun.
Flu season is upon us, and students across campus are coughing, sneezing, and
getting their germs everywhere. Gross. This year’s flu is said to be the worse
in recent history, and many convenience stores on campus have already sold out
of NyQuil and DayQuil. People are even starting to buy Mucinex in their
desperation. Students are stocking up on the essentials and barricading
themselves at home, in an attempt to evade the virus. Even professors have
given up trying to go to class, and nearly every student has had at least one
class canceled due to the flu.
In an
attempt to give students tips on how to stay healthy this season, this
Tangerine staff member attempted to contact the Student Health Center. However,
the phone rings once and then the line goes dead whenever I try to call them,
and when I stop by their new building, it’s completely empty. It is suspected
that the staff members are hiding because they have no idea how to combat the
flu, nor how to do their job in general. The staff at the Student Health Center
is infamous for their inattention to detail and inability to actually help
anyone who is sick. However, they have been known to write the occasional
doctor’s note excusing students from class a week after the class they actually
missed. So that’s nice.
Although collectively useless to
students, the Health Center’s relocation to their new facility does have a
silver lining. The construction crews building the new dormitory on Melrose
will now use the old Health Center for storage. The construction workers are
happy to have an equally useless place to house their support beams; supports
they plan on erecting one at a time over a three-year period.
In the grips of this flu epidemic,
we encourage students to stay inside and avoid contact with any other human
beings. The engineering and biology majors will likely have the least trouble
with this, as they hardly leave their desks anyways. Also, be sure to drink
lots of fluids, another instruction students are no doubt eager to comply with.
Anita Knapp
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