A recent and troubling trend has seen the Strip transformed from a
once-vibrant party epicenter to a now God-forsaken wasteland. The Roaming Gnome and Sunspot
are the most recent establishments to join others—such as Krystal, McAlister’s, and some sort of store that sold books—in
closing shop on the Strip, leaving only desolate, decrepit buildings in their
absence. So why are businesses packing up and walking out on UT students?
A Sunspot spokesperson confronted about their choice to
move said, “It was only just recently that we were a victim of vehicular
violence. This has been a danger on the
Strip for years, and we just didn’t feel safe any more at our previous
location.” The incident in question occurred in September of last year. It’s not
only businesses that are seemingly under constant threat of vehicular collision
either; many students who are forced to face the Strip daily are living in
fear.
Current Freshman Annie Ford, when asked if she
frequented any of the few remaining restaurants on Cumberland, responded: “How
could I go out there? It’s dangerous! I mean there are cars flying by at like…
90 miles per hour. It’s like they’re out
to get us!”
In a press conference, a representative for cars – the
sentient A.I.-controlled “Knight Industries Two
Thousand” from the 1982 TV show Knight Rider (starring David Hasselhoff) – responded to these various allegations: “We will not abide by the
slander that has been levied against us.
These allegations are patently false. Also, we have never heard of butt-chugging,
nor are we in any way homosexual.”
Meanwhile, the mayor has stepped in with plans for a
safer street, much to the dismay of Knight Rider. The plan is to reduce the
number of lanes from four with the occasional designated turn lane to two lanes
with a standing median. “We must bring cars’ reign of tyranny on the Strip to
an end!”
Dick Burns
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