Residents of the Knoxville area have been getting a little fed up with the hormonal weather these past few weeks. It’s clear skies and teasingly warm weather one day, only to be snowing or monsooning the next. While transitioning from winter to spring might bring Sybil-resembling weather, our dilemma is a bit too unusual, even for this time of the year. Therefore, the only logical explanation for such irrational behavior is that Knoxville weather is on its period…again.Last week, clear skies and warm temperatures were exciting students. With midterms almost over, spring break rapidly approaching, fewer homeless men on the Strip, joy was in the air. But then some fateful hours later a great cloud of darkness descended upon city Knoxville, pouring its murderous wrath on innocent residents, avenging itself against one student’s insensitive comment.
“ALL I said was that the clouds look so puffy and white!” yelled sophomore Tyler Sullivan. “I did NOT call them fat. Or pale. I meant it as a compliment, I swear!” But raining wasn’t enough for this offended sky. With cruel satisfaction, it dropped its temperature from the high sixties to the low thirties thus crushing the hopes and dreams of thousands wanting to bask in the sun because ‘it’s so nice out.’ “What we need to understand,” explained Chelsea Robbins, a junior studying meteorology “is that the sky is under a lot of stress right now, going through changes. All these people barking at it to be warm and happy when on the inside all it wants to do is cry. It just wants to be left alone.”
Solutions are being proposed but Robbins says that they are all futile. “No giant tampons or maxi-pads will work. Giving the sky advice, however well intentioned, would either piss the sky off or make it think that we are teasing it. This is just one of those things you have to wait out.” While the sky is pmsing like a bitch, do nothing, say nothing, seek shelter, and pray to God the sky’s menstruation will pass quickly.
By Frau Blucher
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