In this past week, Montana has joined several of its fellow
states in allowing road kill to be used and served for dinner. Most southern
states, including Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee and other “redneck utopias”
have ordained this law as “useful for getting rid of waste” and “beneficial to
the environment.” None of these states, however, have a restaurant willing to
admit that they use such tactics in their cooking. As of yesterday, that stands
no longer.
The PCB at
the University of Tennessee Knoxville announced that they will join the effort
to dispose of waste by serving road kill to their students. They claim that
“perfectly good meat is being wasted just decaying on the road” and that “it's
better than what we normally serve the UTK students anyway”.
“I ran over
some freshman on the way to work,” A toothless PCB employee told The Tangerine
this morning, “I made sure he wasn't breathing and then brought him back with
me to work. There, we skewered him and turned him into fresh 'pork chicken
burger'. Those kids will eat anything as long as you just say its meat.”
Many
students and parents have objected to this, but there are some who support the
cause. Billy Ray, father of Bubba Ray (sophomore at UTK), states, “That is how
he eats at home. Nice to know that he's getting some good ol' home-style
cooking.” Other students claim that they had no idea the PCB had begun making
menu improvements. Stating that the food still tastes like the shit they took
that morning.
In response
to the onslaught of several disagreements and petitions that ask the PCB to
never serve food like this, Jimmy Cheek came out of his room and said to the
world, “The UT way of life is not up for debate. We are going green, and that
means cleaning up the streets. We get so much road kill as is, since so many
students neglect to wait for the little walkie-man thing to light up before
they cross the street. Now we're cleaning the streets, cleaning the
environment, AND most importantly cutting costs. We're killing two birds with
one car! And no, that was not an attempt to pun.”
The PCB
offers several different road kill choices, satisfying even the pickiest of
eaters. In an average day, they serve “fried road kill chicken”, “deer caught
in headlights”, “the too slow turtle”, “terrier tenderloin” and several
different ages and varieties of rabbits, birds and students.
“We take
careful measures to skin the animals and take out their vital organs,” a PCB
worker reported, “When we are done cleaning up the meat, you can hardly notice
the gas and petroleum stains on them. I really don't see why these kids aren't
more thankful.”
Slim Shay Tee
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