Knoxville, TN – Local high school jock and “nerd basher,”
Jordan Shaw, was dismayed last Monday to discover that he had earned an A on
yet another AP statistics test. This is the third straight exam on which Shaw
set the class curve, leaving him with no choice, but to call himself a geek and
shove himself into some nearby lockers.
Shaw is the captain of his
school’s football and baseball teams and has been surprised to discover that he
is in any way intelligent. “After my first perfect score, I thought that it was
a fluke, but they keep piling up, and I can’t deny anymore that I’m a dweeb,”
said Shaw, just before giving himself a swirly. “Rocking my letterman’s jacket
and harassing nerds is what I do. How could I maintain any sense of identity,
if I excluded myself from the abuse?” he continued, while coughing up toilet
water.
In further
bad news for the young bully, a recent test revealed his IQ score to be 134,
far above the national average. In response, Shaw has stolen his own lunch
money every day this week. “I’m making my life a living hell,” lamented Shaw,
“I dread seeing myself at school every day because of how much I pick on
me.”
Shaw’s
identity woes were compounded after receiving a stellar interim report card and
being asked by his principal to begin tutoring his peers. Shaw was last seen in
the history hallway, pulling his underwear over his head after learning of his
induction into the National Honor Society.
Mo Money
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