UT Expels Students for Premarital Sex

This week, the board of trustees for the University of Tennessee has decided to impose a compulsory rule against premarital sex in an effort to prevent student distractions, and keep grades high.  

Not only are teachers being subjected to this treatment, but also UT has taken this a step forward. They apply this rule to their students as well. All fraternities and sororities have been disbanded, members truthfully stating that they are no longer “innocent enough to comply with this rule.”  

Kimmy Hedd, a junior majoring in wheelbarrow repair was one of many extremely upset over the new policy. “What sick person is still a virgin on campus?” he asked while being escorted off campus. “Seriously, EVERYONE has sex in college! Only pasty-faced, awkward weirdoes are still virgins in college.”

While nearly all on-campus housing is now empty, the roughly 1100 students still left are almost all located in Morrill Hall.

Alex McGill, a sophomore majoring in architecture, said he was not too concerned with the new policy.
“Sure sex is awesome. From what I’ve heard. But who has time, honestly? Why should I bother trying to get a girl when I can find all the porn in the world on my laptop? All I need is my roommate gone in the library, and a drawer full of tube socks and I’m good!”

The typical students still left consist mostly of engineering students and pre-health majors, with only the occasional sustainability or pre-law student mixed in.

In the case of doctors and engineers, however, their excuse is their lack of time. “Besides,” Tyler Moore, freshman majoring in chemical engineering, said, “I get fucked over enough from engineering tests. Now the thought of sex just makes me think of giant red X's and a grade of 35 on exams,” he said as a shiver racked his body and his eyes listed over. “My therapist says that I am getting better every week, but...It was just such a traumatic experience...I...I don't want to talk about it anymore.”
  
In one last protest, a large group of students did attempt to take part in a celebratory act of civil disobedience on the South Lawn of Ayres Hall. Sadly, the protest ended much earlier than expected with many cries of, ‘I’m sorry, that’s never happened before!’ and more than a few witnesses reported hearing ‘It’s not you, I swear!’

By: Slim Shay Tee

The Crane Man: Tangerine Exclusive

The Crane Man, one of the most highly skilled staff members currently employed by UT, stepped down from his perch among the clouds Tuesday morning to answer your questions in an exclusive interview with The Tangerine.

While the Crane Man plays a very central and visible role in construction at UT, he himself is rarely seen by students.  Students are much more likely to see the product of his labor when he make big crane go voom spin whirr round.

“I enjoy my job,” said the Crane Man on Tuesday, “it gets a little bit lonely spending all day up in the crane’s cabin sometimes, but I get by.”  Asked to elaborate, the Crane Man explained, “It’s a crane, so what do you expect.  There’s no bathroom, heating, food, you name it.”

We followed up by asking how Crane Man sad when he make crane go voom spin whirr round all day, to which he responded, “You go spend every day in a damn crane for five months and see how you feel.”

Asked about what he is doing to keep students engaged on campus, the Crane Man admitted that some of the odd voom spin whirr round pickup block gobackanddrop movements the crane makes are targeted toward students.  “You’d think as a Crane Man I’d have my work cut out for me.  Well I don’t.  There’s plenty of downtime, and honestly most of those wild turns you see the crane making are just me up there trying to keep you kids happy.  I do my best.”

We ended our interview by asking the Crane Man how he plans to keep good big tall boom cranes allover UT campus forever, to which he responded, “What?!  No, we shouldn’t have any more cranes!  Those things are horrible, dangerous, claustrophobic nightmares that clutter the horizon and don’t really help with construction at all! Oh no, please don’t make me stay here another semester!”

Crane Man was last seen up in his crane on Tuesday evening at sunset, quietly sipping on a beer.

Timmy Turner and Friends

Knoxville Weather Behaving Like a Lady in Red

Residents of the Knoxville area have been getting a little fed up with the hormonal weather these past few weeks. It’s clear skies and teasingly warm weather one day, only to be snowing or monsooning the next. While transitioning from winter to spring might bring Sybil-resembling weather, our dilemma is a bit too unusual, even for this time of the year. Therefore, the only logical explanation for such irrational behavior is that Knoxville weather is on its period…again.

    Last week, clear skies and warm temperatures were exciting students. With midterms almost over, spring break rapidly approaching, fewer homeless men on the Strip, joy was in the air. But then some fateful hours later a great cloud of darkness descended upon city Knoxville, pouring its murderous wrath on innocent residents, avenging itself against one student’s insensitive comment.

“ALL I said was that the clouds look so puffy and white!” yelled sophomore Tyler Sullivan. “I did NOT call them fat. Or pale. I meant it as a compliment, I swear!” But raining wasn’t enough for this offended sky. With cruel satisfaction, it dropped its temperature from the high sixties to the low thirties thus crushing the hopes and dreams of thousands wanting to bask in the sun because ‘it’s so nice out.’ “What we need to understand,” explained Chelsea Robbins, a junior studying meteorology “is that the sky is under a lot of stress right now, going through changes. All these people barking at it to be warm and happy when on the inside all it wants to do is cry. It just wants to be left alone.”

    Solutions are being proposed but Robbins says that they are all futile. “No giant tampons or maxi-pads will work. Giving the sky advice, however well intentioned, would either piss the sky off or make it think that we are teasing it. This is just one of those things you have to wait out.” While the sky is pmsing like a bitch, do nothing, say nothing, seek shelter, and pray to God the sky’s menstruation will pass quickly.

By Frau Blucher

Thousands tweet to help drowning man

Thousands of attendees at a UT swim meet Thursday night tweeted for help for an elderly man struggling for life after being knocked in to the pool.

Jericho Brantley, a 75-year-old Vietnam veteran watching his grandson, Joshua Brantley who swims for UT, was bumped into the pool when a member from the other team plowed him over while watching an episode of The Daily Show on his phone.

Brantley Sr., a poor swimmer, called for help, and the multitudes answered.

Thousands of attendees tweeted for emergency medical and aquatic help with the hashtag #olddudedrowning.

The hashtag was soon trending internationally, catching fire outside of the pools confines, and sparking facebook pages, tumblrs, and even a social activist campaign within minutes of the incident.

“The public simply isn’t aware of Mr. Brantley’s plight, and something must be done.” Said leader of the BRANTLEY2013, Jason Russelt “We’ve recently been granted $20,000 in funding to produce a feature documentary; paired with active twitter, facebook, tumblr, and foursquare campaigns, we hope that the whole world finds it in their heart to share the struggles of Mr. Brantley and the evil pool constricting his heart, soul, and ability to stay alive.”

Others yet are using the opportunity to raise awareness for other needs around the globe. Socio-political groups have used Brantley’s case as a metaphor for the “drowning” economy. Meanwhile, one group, American’s against African Thirst, are scrutinizing the campaign, with the leader issuing a press release calling Brantley Sr. “ignorant”, and stating that “Thousands are dying of thirst around the globe, especially in Africa, and Jericho Brantley is indulging in so much water it could kill him.

As of publication Friday morning, the campaign has started to calm down, with the hashtag falling from the third top trending hashtag (behind #nickcage and #tbt (throwback Thursdays)), all the way out of the top 100. BRANTLEY2013’s offices were vacated last night, and the leader was spotted naked, beating on homeless men in downtown L.A.

Sadly, Mr. Brantley did not survive the accident.

By Boolean Kapur

More Boxing Tournaments Ahead, All Rejoice

In the aftermath of the recent annual Boxing Weekend, UT feels distinctly less charged with excitement, unity, and testosterone. As fraternity brother Keith Warren puts it, “It’s the sweatiest weekend of the year, bro. Bro, you gotta enjoy it while it lasts.” As the tournament came to a close, spectators, winners, and losers alike returned sadly to non-violent, fully- clothed normalcy. Sophomore Chad Moore even claimed “post-tournament depression,“ saying, “everything else is just a let down after that high. Boxing weekend is the only time I feel really alive.” Still, others do not mourn the past, but look to the future, full of hope. “I can’t wait to hit more shirtless dudes next year,” said heavyweight champion Jake Harding, “I’ll be defending my title for the ninth year in row! At this rate, I’ll graduate at about the same time my brain damage starts to show!”

Luckily, though, it seems that our next fix of homoerotic masochism is not so far away. It seems that certain other clubs on campus have noticed the popularity of SAE’s tournament and decided to model similar events after this wildly successful “philanthropy” fundraiser. So fear not, bloodthirsty spectators! Next month, a rash of new boxing tournaments will take place, beginning with an all-out brawl between the Engineering department and the Pride of the Southland Marching Band. In regard to the upcoming fight, freshman Chemical Engineering major Benjamin Carlisle explained his strategy for victory: “I basically broke the act of pummeling human flesh down to its most basic effective form. I’m planning to surprise my opponent by slapping, rather than punching, for maximum impact. Slapping both induces pain and stuns the victim with minimal force. I’m anticipating an easy win.”

By contrast, the marching band has been working out for weeks. Katie Franklin, a sizable girl from the tuba section, outlined her routine in preparation for the big day. “I usually start off by bench-pressing a flute player. Then, I jog in place while we’re in drill formation. I drink a lot of milk. But, honestly, I’m not worried. Cody Stricklin (the drum major, AKA that guy who runs across the field and does that thing with his legs) has a mean roundhouse kick, and he’s out for engineer blood. Straight to the jaw. It could be freakin’ fatal.” The match will take place April 5th in the alley next to Noodles and Company. Mark your calendars! Light refreshments will be provided and all proceeds will go to Brenda the homeless woman who hangs around the gas station a lot.

Other upcoming tournaments will pit the Lady Vols basketball team against the Lambda Student Union, the African Students Association against Campus Crusade, and the Honors Program against the Ballroom Dance Team. Fun for the whole family! Be sure to check out The Tangerine for future developments and exclusive interviews.

By Mittens Freeman

Humans vs Zombies Allows for Human Contact

It’s that time of the semester again where geeks and nerds of all ages and backgrounds come together to chase each other around in a mock zombie apocalypse. Humans vs. Zombies is upon us, and the 99% of campus not participating will look on in horror as people with bandanas around their arms throw socks and shoot darts at those with bandanas around their heads. While many students do not understand the fascination that their peers have with the game, those who do participate have nothing but good things to say about it. For many guys who play the game, it is the only chance they will have to make physical contact with those of the opposite sex. “I got to second base like five times last semester during the game, and they just think it’s an accident,” said one sophomore male who is majoring in biology. The fact that he calls women ‘them’ is as telling as his inability to get to second base on his own merit.

However, some of the contact made during the game does not have as happy of an ending. Although it is against the rules to tackle someone, in the heat of the moment it often does happen. Quite a few players sustained minor injuries throughout the week, though they all expressed no regrets and have participated this semester as well.

Unfortunately, some students not participating in the game were also hurt during the course of events last semester. A freshman girl wearing a bright green headband was pelted with socks and shot with Nerf guns. She screamed in terror, not understanding what was happening to her, and was then tackled by one of the ‘humans.’ By the time the players realized their mistake, it was too late. The girl had a sprained wrist and has yet to wear a green headband since the incident.

This semester’s game started on Tuesday and will conclude on Saturday with two more ‘missions;’ mini-games that the moderators come up with. Non-participating students can rest easy knowing that they can walk to class next week without worrying about people running by them screaming and throwing socks. 

By Anita Knapp

Exclusive Interview with Engage

This past Wednesday, the Engage campaign agreed to meet with us for an exclusive interview, in which we talked at length about various issues important to both their campaign and the university at large.

Some of the issues that we covered were policies like Smokey’s Closet, Which would be a clothes closet on campus filled with business professional clothes that students can come and rent out at a very low rate, policies like a hope ticker on Myutk, which counts a student’s hours out to the cap of 120 hours; letting them know when their scholarship dries up, and policies that support communication, collaboration, and credibility with the university administration.

While all these may make for fine talking points, we at The Tangerine decided to instead deliver the hard-hitting investigative reporting our readers so crave. What follows is a transcript of our exploration of the REAL issues:

The Tangerine: Who do you think should be the pope and why?

Christian Powers: Oh, man. Dennis Rodman advocated for the black candidate, but you know what le’s mix things up. I say Dennis Rodman should be the next Pope!

Laura Burgin: I’m all for Morgan Freeman, because who wouldn’t want to go the Vatican to hear him speak? I’d do just about anything he says because his voice is just that commanding, just saying.

Grant Davis: I vote Payton Manning, the obvious choice.

The Tangerine: Would you save 20 innocent people by throwing a baby in front of a train. Do you do it?

Laura Burgin: I’m gonna hope that the people on the train have the same heart that I do. I am going to hope that those people would not only want to save the baby, but would not want someone else to become a killer to save them. So, I’m not gonna throw the baby.

Christian Powers: With 20 people there’s a greater potential for some baby making. I’m just saying. And hypothetically that baby hasn’t lived a full and happy life.

Grant Davis: I’ m gonna clutch the baby to my arms. I’m not throwing a baby.

The Tangerine: If you became president, and on the fourth of July you bought out all of the air time in Europe, what would you play on their air time?

Grant Davis: the words “We would like a thank you” or “You’re welcome!”

Laura Burgin: Probably Party in The USA by Miley Cyrus

The Tangerine: Do you think it is socially acceptable for a straight man to wear a scarf?

Christian Powers: That’s sexist man. As a man I reserve the right to do so.

Laura Burgin: Here’s my thing, if a guy can pull off a scarf I’m all for it. It doesn’t matter to me if he is gay or straight. I don’t think there is all that many guys that can pull off a scarf, Christian included.

Grant Davis: Well you see the conservation position is that a scarf is a waste of material, so I don’t know why you would wear it.

The Tangerine: what do you think of Rick Santorum’s Sex Week event “Satan Loves Fornicators”?

Christian Powers: That’s going to be interesting. Fill me in on it, because I haven’t heard anything about that. Is he really coming to UT?!

Women’s Health Exhibitions On Pedestrian

Any UT student can attest to the littered mess of exuberant protests and pamphlet-hand-outs alike that frequently lines the sides of Pedestrian Walkway. Among these groups, the Pro-Life organization is one of the more popular among students, displaying fun images of aborted fetuses and their would-be mothers drawn with devil horns and encompassed by flames for students to enjoy on their way to class. Campus life just wouldn't be the same without the light-hearted, playful condemnation of terminated pregnancies.

Students admit to skipping or doing successive summersaults upon spotting the collages of partially formed embryos. When asked to explain how the images made him feel, one UT student admitted, "you can't help but smile".

Despite the protest's playful reputation, leaders of the Knoxville Pro-Life movement disclosed to The Tangerine that the protests wouldn’t just be fun and games this semester.

"We are going for that shock factor this time around and cutting the sugar-coated nonsense," a Pro-Life leader told reporters, gesturing toward a fetus that had literally been coated in sugar.

Since studies have shown low sensitivity to media among youth, the group's plan seeks to present abortions completely unmediated. Abortions will be preformed in broad daylight on Pedestrian Walkway. Though the service is free for participants, all who receive a free abortion must consent to a few terms and conditions. One of these conditions requires that they be carried off immediately after the procedure by protesters outfitted as devils and that they be tossed into a pit labeled "Hell". "It's good practice for when they really go to Hell," a leader of the movement stated.

To expand on demonic themes, physicians present will likewise be costumed as the spawn of Satan and will only speak in tongues while operating.

"We're trying to make this as realistic as possible," one protestor stated, "and since all abortionists are possessed by Satan, this seemed like a good portrayal."

However, the cause has received criticism, largely in accusations of hypocrisy. In response, members of the organization have launched arguments such as, "We all have to make sacrifices," and "At least we still ate the placenta."

The abortions are to occur on a 360 degree stage with the soundtrack of Jaws playing on loop, and should begin later this month.

God has yet to comment on the issue.


By Jilson

Exclusive Interview with Amplify

This past Wednesday, the Amplify campaign very graciously agreed to meet with us for an exclusive interview, wherein we talked at length about various issues important to both their campaign and the university at large.

The campaign wished to highlight proposals such as “SGA ambassadors” in which student organizations could request SGA representatives to help staff their events, and the “UTPD text-in tipline” which would allow students to discretely report nefarious goings-on without having to make a phone call.  In two separate proposals to keep the university dry, Amplify is advocating for an official “umbrella rental” service be set up on campus, and for reforms to be made to UT's alcohol policy.

Under the current system, student organizations can be held responsible for public intoxication at their events – even if the offending party was an asshole and showed up drunk on his own.  With the “Alcohol Amnesty” program that Amplify is proposing, student organizations would not be punished for reporting the inebriated walking party-foul and getting the poor, drunk sonuvabitch the help he needs.

While all these may make for fine talking points, we at The Tangerine decided to instead deliver the hard-hitting investigative reporting our readers so crave.  What follows is a transcript of our exploration of the REAL issues:

The Tangerine – Would you rather fight 100 duck-sized horses, or 1 horse-sized duck?

Lindsay Lee – Do we have to fight them all individually, or can we fight them together?

The Tangerine – You can all three take them on.

Cole Liles – In that case, I would choose 100 duck sized horses, because if it was just me, I would get overrun. But since there are three of us, we can back each other up.

Lindsay Lee – Plus, I would levy my cyborg rocket-chair abilities against the duck sized horses.

The Tangerine – What do you think about your predecessors’ policy of carrying out drone strikes on UT students?

Cole Liles - I think it’s detestable. You know, it’s just one of those things where if that’s happening it’s just a complete disregard for human life. I think in the interests of public disclosure, we should know what’s happening.

Lindsey Huff – A human life, is a human life.

Lindsay Lee – SGA should be transparent. Constituents should know what their senators are doing. 

The Tangerine – In our upcoming issue we're breaking the story of Alpha Omicron Pi's recent financial hardships due to the Eurozone crisis.  How do you plan on dealing with the failing Greek economy?

Lindsey Huff – We’re still working on it.

Cole Liles – We will probably create a student services committee to deal with it.

The Tangerine – What do you make of your opponents' negative campaigns against you?

* pause

Cole Liles – um.

Lindsay Lee – Like all of those commercials that they’ve been running on TVC?

The Tangerine – Yes! The mudslinging, the name-calling, the yellow journalism…

Cole Liles – Well, it is what it is. You know, if they want to get into the negative stuff, that’s cool. We can’t change their opinions. We plan to let our ideas speak for themselves, and hope for the best. And I will still take the other campaigns out to dinner any day.

 

By Tween Wolf and Snake Plitzkin

Academy Awards Best Picture To Shrek the 3rd

Late Sunday night, at the end of the annual Oscar awards, presented by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the 2007 classic Shrek Three took home the illustrious Best Picture Award.

The film’s cast and crew victoriously delivered an eloquently prepared speech as Eddie Murphy, who plays the timeless and tragic Donkey, wept silently in the arms of Michael Myers, staring into the eyes of the mass talent of Hollywood’s best and brightest.

“I knew the Academy would come around,” said the film’s illustrious director Chris Miller. “Ten days into shooting, when Shrek was busy pulling ear wax candles out of his ears, I sat in my chair and knew, this train was bound for glory.”

Film critics around the country bashed the Academy, citing the film to be merely the second best in the series, behind Shrek Forever After, because of the latter’s overtones of gender equality and strangely generous views of human nature. Some critics were disturbed by the lack of racist diatribes from Blind Mouse #2 (an aspect many view as central to the character). Majority seemed confused by the fact that the film debuted five years ago.

New York Times Entertainment editor Lorne Manly understands the Academy’s choice, highlighting the beautiful intricacies of the characters Donkey and King as monumental feats in American Cinema History.

“There stands an ingeniously hidden relationship between the King and Donkey, presenting an incredible metaphor to the current plight in Rwanda, which the films director saw coming three years before it began. This is 2007’s Godfather.”

In a year of strong competition from the likes of Les Miserables, Lincoln, and Life of Pi, many critics had not picked Shrek to take home the gold, mostly having written off it’s candidacy during the brutal shutout it was given in 2007.

Manly explained, “It was just too ahead of its time. No one knew how to take it. It’s starting to finally be realized for it’s artistic magnitude.”

The cast and crew are back to work, filming TV specials, infomercials, and the next movie in the franchise; Shrek 6, This Is Still A Thing, set for release in late July 2013.

 Boolean Kapur