Beyonce Apologizes

What began as perhaps the most bootylicious half time show in Super Bowl history resulted in a nationwide medical emergency last Sunday. Beyonce's performance, complete with thousands of flashing lights and blaring music, brought the nation's fans to their feet. However, for many American epileptics, it only brought them to a shaking fit on the ground.

Thousands were afflicted by the grandiose show not only from the stadium, but also from various television sets across the nation. Epileptics, many of which also happen to be football fanatics, were unprepared for the flashing scenes. Now, the all-too-forgotten group has resolved to make themselves heard. "Everybody needs to understand that epileptics are Americans, too," a spokesman of the Association of American Epileptics declared last week, "We will seize to be overlooked!" He finished, unaware of his pun.

Not unlike days in the past in which various ethnic groups have pulled out of society to remind the world of their impact, members of the AAE had all of its members withdraw for one business day last week. Afterwards, the day was declared by the President as "A day that will live in obscurity." It seems that, despite its greatest attempts, the group continues to be unnoticed.

Others have come forward independent of the AAE, as one woman spoke of Beyonce's performance just minutes after the show. "By the time she had reached "All The Single Ladies", my husband was writhing on the floor!" the woman of forty said in tears.
Upon hearing of the devastating effects of her show, Beyonce released a public apology as well as six-figure donations to various organizations aimed at spreading the awareness of Epilepsy.

The apologetic star plans the launch of an Epileptic Awareness Fundraiser to begin next month. The event is to be aimed at reducing all possible external stimuli. Those who donate will gain admission to a private concert with Beyonce, though in a slightly different format. Rather than performing on a stage with flashing lights and loud speakers, the artist will be accompanied only by a ukulele. Likewise, her songs will be adapted to a much slower cadence, aimed at mimicking the sound of water lapping softly against sea stones.

Though the empathetic gesture from the singer has extinguished the fury of many, the AAE has yet to let the situation go. The organization is to release a line of t-shirts that read, "You may split our corpus callosum, but you can't split our hearts!"

However, a licensed heart surgeon refuted the statement, clarifying that, yes, someone could actually split their hearts.

By: Jillson