On an otherwise unremarkable Friday
night, senior Jake Hendricks recently made an unprecedented discovery on
campus.
“At first I wasn’t sure what I was even looking at,” the still-shocked Hendricks explained. “I had never seen anything like it before.”
What Hendricks had inadvertently stumbled upon, was, in fact, a meeting of the UT Hillel, a Jewish organization which perpetually floats in a state of quasi-existence in the basement of the International House.
“I didn’t think anyone would believe me,” Hendricks lamented. “I didn’t even know that was still a thing anymore. Boy, my German uncle didn’t do a very good job of keeping me cultured.”
News travelled quickly, however, and the following week, incredulous students and staff flocked to witness the Jewish students eating ritualistic Shabbat dinner. Few had any prior encounters with the chosen people.
When questioned, Hillel member Rachel Feinstein detailed the numerous holidays the group had already celebrated this year. “We’ve always been around. But now everyone has to finally acknowledge the Jewish presence in Knoxville. We’re here! We’re alive! We want to be part of your world! Take us to your leader!”
In response to the widespread confusion, the university administration released the following statement to the press in an attempt to nullify the uproar of incredulity:
“We didn’t even know we had Jewish students here! We are always pleasantly surprised at the diversity of our student body - we’d always just assumed y’all were hillbillies.”
Classes have been delayed until noon to provide the university ample time to prepare a video displaying the University’s new found diversity without students getting in the way.
“At first I wasn’t sure what I was even looking at,” the still-shocked Hendricks explained. “I had never seen anything like it before.”
What Hendricks had inadvertently stumbled upon, was, in fact, a meeting of the UT Hillel, a Jewish organization which perpetually floats in a state of quasi-existence in the basement of the International House.
“I didn’t think anyone would believe me,” Hendricks lamented. “I didn’t even know that was still a thing anymore. Boy, my German uncle didn’t do a very good job of keeping me cultured.”
News travelled quickly, however, and the following week, incredulous students and staff flocked to witness the Jewish students eating ritualistic Shabbat dinner. Few had any prior encounters with the chosen people.
When questioned, Hillel member Rachel Feinstein detailed the numerous holidays the group had already celebrated this year. “We’ve always been around. But now everyone has to finally acknowledge the Jewish presence in Knoxville. We’re here! We’re alive! We want to be part of your world! Take us to your leader!”
In response to the widespread confusion, the university administration released the following statement to the press in an attempt to nullify the uproar of incredulity:
“We didn’t even know we had Jewish students here! We are always pleasantly surprised at the diversity of our student body - we’d always just assumed y’all were hillbillies.”
Classes have been delayed until noon to provide the university ample time to prepare a video displaying the University’s new found diversity without students getting in the way.
Feinstein
reports the Hillel will not be dissolving, despite the surrounding chaos. “We
had a record attendance of a whopping
twelve people at our last meeting!
That’s up from five you know....”
By Mittens Freeman
By Mittens Freeman
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