In conjunction with a rising epidemic spreading through the
U.S., The Federal Bureau of Investigation have begun an investigation on the
power cult known as the Illuminati.
Founded in 1776 as a Enlightenment-era secret society in the
Free State of Bavaria, The Illuminati has come to be known as a devil oriented
power group that rules the world through awful music, film, television,
politics, and other forms of power in the U.S. Everyone from Jay-Z, Rihanna,
President Obama, and Bob Ross have been linked to the mysterious organization,
and many artist are reported to include many Illuminati symbols (the all seeing
eye, devils calls, etc.) in their various art forms.
Current FBI director Robert Mueller released a press release
Wednesday stating, “The FBI will be conducting a thorough and diligent
investigation into the alleged ongoing of the mysterious organization. We have
top chiefs scouring YouTube day and night collecting evidence, and many field reporters
speaking with various roommates across hundreds of universities throughout the
country. No video will go unseen, nor roommate’s conspiracy theories unheard.”
Mueller confessed in the following press conference that
this is the first time the FBI has relied solely on the help of a viral video
website and word of mouth conspiracy theorists. When furthered questioned on
his decision to utilize only these two sources, Mueller admitted, “It’s
honestly all we have to go on; and trust me, I’ve already heard some stuff that
would blow your mind.”
The FBI released their preliminary findings late Thursday
night in which they relayed the first findings to the public.
“If you pause every Ke$ha video at 2:43, invert the colors,
and flip the screen upside down, you can always find the all-seeing eye
somewhere in the frame,” said Chief investigator Donald Furman. “Except ‘Die
Young’….and ‘Blow’ and C’Mon’………………and ‘Tik Tok’.”
Furman also reviewed their examination of every Joe Bidden speech
in the last twelve years, but was unsuccessful in finding anything remotely
related to the Illuminati, or anything not related to fly fishing or Bones.
At the end of their investigation, The FBI will compile all
of their information into an iMovie film displayed on YouTube featuring the
music of Nickelback and Comic Sans.
By Boolean Kapur
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