After posting
a horrific record in his tenure at the helm, former Vols head coach Derek Dooley
was forced to step down and surrender his position to the next poor sap that
got pulled into the job. Butch Jones, as most Vol fans already know, was that
sap – but no longer.
UT students
began to feel a renewed sense of pride once Jones took over the team, hoping
and dreaming of new successes on the football field. Many even skipped class to
go to the introductory speech given by Jones. These feelings, however, were
short lived.
Even in his
short time at the university, it quickly became clear that Jones was
ineffective as coach. During a speech to the players, he told them that he
wanted them to get better and win games without resorting to desperate
former-coach Dooley's approach: stuffing unknown steroids into their energy
drinks.
The players immediately began
exhibiting signs of four of the five stages of grief. “Acceptance” was not
exhibited. The players quickly turned to UTK officials and reported the coach's
“abuse of power” and claimed that they would “have no hope of winning” without
Dooley's steroid regimen. After all, “we
barely ever won WITH the drugs!”
Over the
next few weeks, the players’ worst fears seemed to be confirmed. Practices were
a disaster. Football players, disoriented from the lack of substance, went into
angry fits and started to have mood swings. Some spectators described it as
watching pitiful girly-men going on and off their “man-periods.”
Butch Jones
was summarily fired as a result of these unfortunate developments and charged
with “breach of contract” for failing to “do anything, seriously anything, to
win” – one of the less conventional clauses in his agreement. Officials were
saddened to lose yet another coach, but feel that the decision was justified.
They firmly believe their decision will make room for someone more eager to
disregard NCAA rules pertaining performance-enhancing drugs.
By: Slim Shay Tee
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