Congressional Sexting Fixes Economy

In a shocking turn of events, the 113th Congress has accidentally repaired the American economy while engaged in a routine session of “dick-pic-ing.” Leading economists, national media outlets, and grandmas who don’t know how to use cell phones are all baffled by the development, as it defies all rules of macroeconomics and common human decency. Perhaps no one is as confused as the congressmen themselves, who have made it perfectly clear that they were simply involved in a regular bout of sexting and had absolutely no intention of solving the debt crisis.

    Though the exact nature of this phenomenal turnaround has been difficult to uncover, a collection of various events has been compiled to make this timeline:

Monday: Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, attempts to text a full-frontal nude picture to his secretary, but inadvertently messages Chinese president, Hu Jintao. Jintao takes the picture to be a brutal negotiation tactic, and decides to forgive the United States of 100% of its Chinese debt under the condition that “McConnell neevuh take clothes off again! Not even in shouw-uh!”

Tuesday: Speaker of the House, John Boehner, tweets his constituents a photograph of his genitalia entitled “My raging hard Boehner.” The ensuing spike in sales of antidepressants, liquor, and comfort food stimulates the economy in record fashion. Said one former Boehner supporter, “It was just so orange… it looked like that tanning mom’s thumb stuck on top of two burnt almonds. What kind of god would let that happen? Where did I leave my Prozac…”

Wednesday: House minority leader, Nancy Pelosi, tries to e-mail a topless picture of herself to congressional staffer, Tyler Muñoz, with whom she had been having an illicit affair. She mistypes and sends the e-mail to Spanish language television network, Telemundo, who then runs the story on their 6 pm news. The haunting image causes tens of millions of immigrants to flee back to Mexico, an exodus that frees up enough jobs to drop the unemployment rate below 3% for the first time in 60 years.

President Obama has called this series of events “a filthy, filthy miracle.” And in related news, disgraced former congressman, Anthony Weiner, has been reinstated to New York’s 9th district after speculation that his own sexting scandal might somehow restore the U.S. credit rating.

By Mo Money and The Big E.C.