Death Sentence For Those Who Talk on the Quiet Floor

To much fanfare, Hodges Library unveiled their new policy today regarding those who loudly talk to each other and use their phones in designated quiet areas. The new rules, effective immediately, designate that the students around the offender have legal authority to throw the insensitive bastard from the nearest window.

Victor McDouchington, junior in bro-fisting, had this to say: “Ahh! What the hell are you doing? Put me down!” before meeting his well-deserved end on the pavement outside a fourth floor window. Sources say that the individual was talking loudly on his phone for over ten minutes, pacing back and forth and saying, 

“Yeah but I’m in the library right now too, so maybe I’ll talk to you later,” before continuing with his story about his hook-up with “this one sexy-ass bitch.”

Despite four ‘shh’s and several faux-coughing fits from several students in the area that would put an asthmatic to shame, McDouchington kept on with his fascinating recollection about the job fair he almost went to, if it weren’t for “Tommy coming over around noon with a 12-pack of Natty-Light. I mean you can’t beat class like that!”

Sources have confirmed that the UT maintenance crew is more than happy to clean up the rotten carcasses outside the library, as “These are the same fuck-stains who leave their beer cans all over campus, run through the library while screaming, and piss in the parking garage just for the hell of it. Pretty soon, we’ll have nothing left to clean up around campus,” said Roy Campbell, assistant director of maintenance.

For those in the quiet areas of the first floor, where a fall would be unlikely to be fatal, gallows will soon be set up with their own hangman standing by at all times to accommodate the needs of those students who are actually in school to learn rather than waste their parent’s money.

Fortunately, the mere sight of a caffeine fueled honors student carrying a genetics textbook at 1 AM now scares the dim-witted frat boy even more than trying to explain how a sorority girl just happened to pass out in his bed after only a single cup of hunch punch that was totally not spiked.

By: Archibald Krakenbarger