Richard Simmons New Strength and Conditioning Coach

In a move to alleviate the recently reported $200,000,000 debt pit metaphorically filling the campus’ other pit, Dave Hart announced the hiring of brand spanking new Strength and Conditioning coach Richard Simmons! (Fabulous)!

Excited to meet fresh faces and form fresh tushies, Simmons surprised the team Tuesday morning, popping out of a large cake in the shape of General Neyland, and teaching the team the choreography for the opening sequence for A Chorus Line.

“Oh..my…GOSH, I am SO excited to work with these wonderful young Gentleboys!,” announced the enigmatic fitness guru.  “We’re going to do crunches, and sit ups, and bicycle licks, and ab stabs, and leg shakers, and purple burps, and willie flickers, and OH MY GOSH I COULD JUST SCREAM FROM THE EXCITEMENT.”

Simmons, who first opened his own gym, Slimmons, in Beverly Hills in the 70’s, is already planning to decorate the new weight room to his “super grown up formal standards”, replacing all bench-presses with his own product, the Tough-N-Teddy, a giant plush teddy-bear players will hug at varying intensities. Simmons has also chiseled up the new running court to replace it with his state of the art bounce house, and converted all the ice baths to bubble baths.

Simmons said in his press conference, “I don’t really know all that much about football, but how hard can it be, right? I’ve played tee-ball since I was 7, so I’m sure I’ll pick up on what these boys need to plump up their little bodies and give it their all on the court!”

The hire has brought criticism from players, coaches, and fans alike, but Athletic Director Dave Hart explained Simmons agreed to an offer they couldn’t refuse.

“He’s practically doing it for free.”, Hart told the Tangerine over the phone Thursday. “I’ve never seen a contract like his. He is contractually obligated to work for three years (as long as Butch) and I give him three hugs every day, and a new grass juicer. If he gets fired, he has to give the juicer back. No buy-out, no problem.”

Simmons, who hasn’t slept since the late 90’s, is moving into his tree fort in Circle Park later this week.

Boolean Kapur