During a freshman anthropology
lecture class last Wednesday, Kelly Wilton purportedly saw a man using
Pinterest.
“I was facebook stalking my friend’s
boyfriend’s brother, when I looked up from my computer and saw this cute guy I
had never noticed in class before,” Kelly stated. “When I started to check him
out, I realised that he was totally using pinterest to look up inspirational
quotes and recipes for nutella themed desserts.”
Pinterest is a site popular among
young women for exploring all things monogrammed, polka-dotted, or covered in
chocolate. Users can “pin” intriguing articles, recipes, or images, such as
“Crochet Your Own Snuggie” or “Ten Cute Ways to Wear a Burqa,” to their own
personal site page (“boards”) for sharing with their peers as well as for later
reference.
After class, when he was asked if he
had been using Pinterest, Dillard replied only with a plaintive, “It’s a long
story…”
The student in question, Matt
Dillard, an avid member of Lambda Chi Alpha, initially denied the charges with
the support of his “brothers.” In response to the allegations made against him,
a press conference was held last week in which Dillard’s attorney simply
claimed, “It never happened. Mr. Dillard is not a gay man. He finds the idea of
Pinterest absolutely repulsive.” Yet as the news spread around campus and the
greater Knoxville area, overwhelming public humiliation soon lead the unfortunate
Dillard to be disinherited by his former “brothers.”
“He should have known you have to
keep that on the down low. I just get my uh, girlfriend to make me ooey-gooey
bars. And she, uh, embroidered my bedsheets too. I don’t know how to backstitch,
honest!” commented a nervous fraternity brother hastily deleting his browser
history.
In a follow-up interview, his
fraternity president wisely remained (mostly) silent on the subject, mentioning
only the zero-tolerance policy for, as he so eloquently put it, “being a
pussy.” As a result of this scandal, Dillard has gone into hiding.
No longer permitted among the ranks
of the Greek, he was last rumored to be camping out with a band of local
homeless people having only a casserole dish, a few calligraphy pens, and some
Modge-Podge. Sightings have been rare, but every once in awhile, a fabulously
dressed homeless man is seen around the Knoxville Greenway. So, here’s to you,
closeted crafters everywhere!
“Concerning Pinterest, I use it all
the time,” an editor of The Tangerine commented. “One time I needed to make a
birthday cake for my friend, and all I had was an avocado and some glitter. Let
me tell you- Pinterest saved my butt that day.”
By: Mittens Freeman
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