Dark Lord Quits

Lord Palpatine, in a rare and surprising move, on Monday announced his intention to resign as Emperor at the end of the month. The dark lord, who has ruled the Galactic Empire for almost 8 years, stated that he no longer had the physical and mental ability to keep up with such a demanding project.

“While I do enjoy killing ewoks and slowly roasting them over a spit (the way their hair burns on their skin just seals in the flavor) this Empire deserves someone who is more capable of leading us to a new era of killing and slaughter.”

Sidius, who commands a following of over 1.2 billion, is the first evil mastermind to resign his position in almost 600 years.

“I know people like me usually go out by being thrown down a massive utility shaft and getting electrocuted, but I think that part of me is gone. As much as I love conniving and plotting to kill all the jedi, a life of quiet prayer and reflection would be more suitable,”

Dark Lord Palpatine, who rose to power through the simultaneous overthrow of the Galactic Senate and by filling the power vacuum left by the late High Chancellor John Paul 2nd, said that the role of Sith Lord should be kept by someone who is “mentally and physically capable.”

While rules prevent Palpatine from directly choosing his successor, his opinion most certainly carries significant weight as he has personally appointed several members of the Sith Council since his rule began. The dark lord has been rumored to move back to his home of Naboo, but is expected to remain for some time in his palace on Coruscant. His resignation becomes official at 8 p.m. February 28th.

By:  Archibald Krakenbarger