Track Team Breaks Record: Parents Celebrate

            This past week, at the 2013 Armory Collegiate Invitational in New York City, red shirt freshman Austin Whitelaw covered the 5,000-meter (3.1 miles) race with a time of 14:18.11, placing third at the invitational in front of an estimated crowd of twenty-seven. The time broke former 1988 UT track star and Olympian Todd Williams' time of 14:24.29 and the attendance broke the previous record of 17 (set in 1993).

            “I am so proud of my son! It’s too bad that none of his friends were up here to see this… not even that girlfriend of his came up,” Stated Austin’s Mother. “I think his dad and I are going to take him out to O’Charley’s to celebrate…it’s his favorite.”

            The University of Tennessee’s Track and Field team is currently the best that they have been in years; sweeping the floor with the rest of the SEC in this recent meet. Having been successful on the track, the team is also starting to have some success in attendance.

           “As far as I can tell, the entire front row of the stadium was filled,” said Assistant Coach Rohsaan Griffin. “I was really happy to see my parents show up to watch me coach and cheer the kids on. Maybe next time some of my extended family could come and kind of help bolster the team’s spirit… It’s hard for them to come to these meets and miss out on the keggers that their friends are throwing.”

           In the same meet, Freshman pole-vaulter Jake Blankenship won the championship division of the men's pole vault with a jump of 18 feet, ½ inch. While he cleared the bar, he failed to clear his own disillusionment.

          “When I closed my eyes, I could almost hear the cheers of my adoring fans. Then I landed and realized that it was just John’s parents.”

By: Snake Plitzkin

Coach Jones Fired for "Not Allowing Drugs"

          

           After posting a horrific record in his tenure at the helm, former Vols head coach Derek Dooley was forced to step down and surrender his position to the next poor sap that got pulled into the job. Butch Jones, as most Vol fans already know, was that sap – but no longer. 

            UT students began to feel a renewed sense of pride once Jones took over the team, hoping and dreaming of new successes on the football field. Many even skipped class to go to the introductory speech given by Jones. These feelings, however, were short lived. 

            Even in his short time at the university, it quickly became clear that Jones was ineffective as coach. During a speech to the players, he told them that he wanted them to get better and win games without resorting to desperate former-coach Dooley's approach: stuffing unknown steroids into their energy drinks.

The players immediately began exhibiting signs of four of the five stages of grief. “Acceptance” was not exhibited. The players quickly turned to UTK officials and reported the coach's “abuse of power” and claimed that they would “have no hope of winning” without Dooley's steroid regimen.  After all, “we barely ever won WITH the drugs!”

            Over the next few weeks, the players’ worst fears seemed to be confirmed. Practices were a disaster. Football players, disoriented from the lack of substance, went into angry fits and started to have mood swings. Some spectators described it as watching pitiful girly-men going on and off their “man-periods.”

            Butch Jones was summarily fired as a result of these unfortunate developments and charged with “breach of contract” for failing to “do anything, seriously anything, to win” – one of the less conventional clauses in his agreement. Officials were saddened to lose yet another coach, but feel that the decision was justified. They firmly believe their decision will make room for someone more eager to disregard NCAA rules pertaining performance-enhancing drugs.

By: Slim Shay Tee

Student Really Passionate About Helvetica, Annoys Friends, Alienates Family

           

          Graphic Design major Tylar Davis has a new passion: Helvetica.  According to sources close to the junior, Davis has “literally been unable to shut up” about his enthusiasm for the titular typeface of “Helvetica: A Documentary” since viewing the film over two months ago.  What started as an extra-credit assignment for his 400-level 'Typography' course quickly evolved from a passing interest into a self-professed “religious awakening” for the eccentric junior.

            “The upper case 'R' – my personal favorite – has a little kink in the tail, the lower case 'a' contains a teardrop in the whorl!  Even the upper case C just 'feels' more balanced,” said Davis, fully demonstrating the absurd depth of his font-snobbery.  True to form, Davis never lets an opportunity pass to advocate for Helvetica's “clean curves” and “reassuring character.”  But while his exuberant obsession with the typeface seems benign now, it wasn't long ago that Davis struggled with a darker side of his devout Helviticism.

            “These days he's just annoying, but the first few weeks were...” Ben Jackson, Davis' roommate of two years, began to trail off as he furrowed his brow.  

            “He must have watched that documentary like, 7 or 8 times in the first week.  By the end he was reciting the voice-over word for word along with the video,” said Jackson.  Davis' zen-like devotion to the film was just the beginning however.  “By the end of the second week he was muttering about typefaces under his breath,” said Jackson.  “It was actually a bit unnerving.”

            By the third week, Davis was showing increased signs of a deepening psychosis.  Outbursts about “inferior” sans-serifs were common, and he began on a mission to expunge such substandard fonts from his day-to-day life.  It was during this darkest time line that he reportedly threatened a family member after receiving a party e-vite that primarily used Times New Roman.  A friend of Davis' – Brian Nolen – used Comic Sans in a promotional flyer for an on-campus event, Nolen's current whereabouts remain a mystery.

            But while rumors swirl, Davis insists that he's “really just super passionate about Helvetica,” and that he doesn't know anything about Nolen's disappearance.

            “I'd have no problem with signing an affidavit confirming my innocence – as long as the statement is in Helvetica.”

By: Tween Wolf

Student Admits to PTSD at Hands of AMB Steps

“It was raining that day, and I was running late for class. The steps are just so far apart and weirdly spaced and it was slippery and my rain boots were too big on me and they were heavy,” freshman Chelsey Mims has to take a breath before she can continue. We are sitting in the Starbucks in Hodges as Chelsey recounts to me the horrible experience that led her to forever fear the steps by Alumni Memorial Building. 

“I fell over onto my side, and my backpack was heavy and fell to the side with me. My arm broke my fall, and it didn’t break or anything but it still hurt for like a week afterwards. People just kept walking, no one stopped to help me, and no one even looked at me. I pushed myself back up and went to class, but my umbrella was broken and my entire left side was soaking wet. It was so terrible. I couldn’t look anyone else in the eye for the rest of the day.” 

            Chelsey is one of many victims of the steps at AMB. With their uneven spacing and strange height, they pose a threat to every student on UT’s campus. But the victims now refuse to suffer in silence. Chelsey refuses to walk up those steps anymore, and instead skips any classes she has on the Hill. Although her GPA may be suffering, she says that it will never equal the suffering she experienced on that fateful rainy day. 

            Chelsey hopes to inspire other students to come forward and share their stories, regardless of what their peers might think. She will also be starting a support group on campus for those who regularly fall over on their way to class. Members include that girl who tripped trying to get on the bus and got stuck under the wheel and anyone who slipped on ice on the way to class last month. 

            Clumsiness is a serious epidemic on campus, and although some of it can be blamed on the uneven and barely navigable terrain of Knoxville, the Tangerine encourages students to seek help if they find themselves tripping on nothing or running into doors.

By: Anita Knapp

Valentines Day Just as Traumatic for Couples

         

         For many singles, February 14 is a day to reminisce on why they are spending yet another night alone, and why this year’s Valentine’s Day was no different from last year’s. Many assume that if only they had someone to spend this arbitrary day with, they could finally be happy. However, a new study from the University of Missouri found that Valentine’s Day is just as stressful and unhappy for those in a relationship. “I don’t want to take a girl out on Valentine’s Day because she might think things are more serious than they are,” said a sophomore who prefers to remain nameless just in case the girl he’s casually sleeping with reads this. Even those in a serious relationship find the holiday excessive. “It’s a lot to remember…birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s Day…it’s too much,” said yet another anonymous boy. 

            Critics of the study say that perhaps it is only men in relationships that are terrified by the thought of Valentine’s Day. However, Mizzou claims that women also have a problem with this day. “I have to shave my legs in the middle of February? That’s ridiculous,” says freshman Abby Corkins. Many others echo her sentiment. 

            It seems that for students of UT, the grass is always greener on the other side. Singles want to be in a relationship, and people in a relationship want to be single. But everyone can agree that the best part of Valentine’s Day is afterwards when all the heart-shaped candy goes on sale. Because nothing blankets deep seated depression like sitting in a room with the lights off while gorging oneself with Reese’s. No judgment here; chocolate loves everyone. Of course, if Lent restricts the consumption of sweets, nothing will cure the sadness. The only sign of hope will come from the sweet embrace of death.

            Luckily, Valentine’s Day has now passed, and everyone has another eleven months to either try to find someone to love or just someone to go out with one night in February. Stay classy, UT. 

By: Anita Knapp

Talking Vaginas Grace Campus

This week, UT was chosen to for an extraordinary reading of the Vagina Monologues, with actual vaginas giving the performance. Throughout the nation, this renowned troupe of vaginas uses its unique set of talents to spread awareness about vagina-related issues. The group made a special effort to make appearances at spots on campus where vaginas, talking or no, have seldom before been seen, such as the engineering floors of Morrill Hall.  The vaginas then met with a group of UT administrators, who received valuable face time with the high profile group.

 “The fact that UT was able to attract such a group of individuals,” said one university official, “speaks volumes about the progress the university has made over the last few years and the difference that one student’s big idea can make towards achieving our goal of becoming a ‘vagina-friendly’ campus.”

On Wednesday and Thursday evenings, the vaginas could be seen alongside UT Sex Week volunteers, handing out condoms, candy, and sex tips in Presidential Courtyard and along Pedestrian Walkway.  The vaginas seemed to increase the visibility of the Sex Week campaign, providing eye candy as well as an upfront segue to sex-related topics and questions.  “I’m confused. Are those things real? How is it talking? I think it might be some sort of sentient being,” said a gentlemen passing out Amplifier newspapers.

“With, you know, it all up in your face,” said one student (Cory Flemming), who requested we not use his name, “it’s kinda hard not to talk about it, or at least make a lewd joke or two.”  Sex Week officials said student response to the vaginas was overwhelmingly positive. It’s about time we’ve had a speaker that promotes the struggles of the female anatomy. Besides, we already have a bunch of dicks walking around on campus every day.”

The vaginas’ visit culminates tonight with a finale performance of the group’s pièce de résistance, the Vagina Monologues.  The group’s performance will be aided by appearances by several UT students.  Summer Awad, who will perform tonight alongside the group, said that her experience working with the group has been enlightening.  “Working with a group of such talented vaginas has been a blast.  I’ve learned so much, not only about content, but about delivery.  When I’m up on stage, I almost feel like I’m speaking straight from my own vagina.” Doors open tonight at 6:30 PM.

By: Timmy Turner