Big Orange Screws NC State

Future BCS champions the Tennessee Volunteers laid the groundwork for their eventual perfect season in their first game this past Friday – the Chik-fil-A kick-off game played at the Georgia Dome in Atlanta. Playing against a clearly out-matched NC State Wolfpack, the Big Orange showed just why this paper has them picked as this year’s National Champions.

The unstoppable Vols’ offense put up over 500 yards while the immovable force of the Tennessee defense crushed all of NC State’s hopes and dreams with 4 INTs, leading to a decisive 35-21 Volunteer victory. “We could’ve completely shut them out,” said Sal Sunseri, UT defensive coordinator and noted bear-wrestling hobbyist, “but we felt bad for them poor high schoolers… wait, that was a college team?” Sunseri then assured Vol fans that no such mercy would be shown in our inevitable trouncing of Alabama.

UT Quarterback and Heisman shoe-in Tyler Bray threw for 333 yards and 2 TDs with no interceptions, proving once again the positive impact of his intense beer-throwing practice regimen over the summer. “It was really helpful to my accuracy, as well as my versatility,” said Bray about his libation-lobbing, “a pale ale doesn’t throw the same as a brown ale, which is totally different from a lager, and don’t get me started on stouts.”

Of course the standout performance of the evening was JUCO receiver Cordarelle Patterson, whose extra syllables are clearly necessary to contain the extra talent he’s accrued through intense training, hard work, and what many believe can only be described as a deal with the devil. In one play, he ran from the right side of the field to the left and back again, all while dancing between tackles for a 67-yard touchdown run. The New York City Ballet has recently contacted the University for the rights to turn his athletic and graceful display into the centerpiece of their Fall 2013 performance. “The only concern we have,” said a representative of what many describe as the foremost dance company in the nation, “is whether any of us can actually pull this thing off. I’ve never seen anything so beautifully and artistically executed.” He added, “I just hope we can do it justice.”

Showing just what this team could do, the Volunteers decided they were tired of pussy-footing around in the first quarter and began a 16-0 scoring run that lasted all of 38 seconds. After asserting their dominance as the alpha-males of the metaphorical wolfpack, the Vols were content to cruise over a whimpering, defeated NC State. The Big Orange now looks onward to its next victim, Georgia State, the next pit-stop on their way to the National Championship.

by Completely-Unbiased-Sports-Fan