While the university has publicly stated that the garage was destroyed as part of a multi-step process to build a larger university center on the same property, the leak reveals that administration officials simply felt bad for the incapable extremists and didn’t want to hurt their self-esteem by revealing the details of the failed mission. In truth, the dyslexic terrorists had not been targeting UTK at all, rather their target was the japanese Kabuki Theaters’ Union (KTU), a target they “just barely missed by more than 6000 miles” according to the report. The motivations for their anti-thespian tendencies remain unclear.
UT Dean of Counter-Terrorism Les Aptman held a press conference shortly after the leak, confirming that indeed, the only organization more inadequate than these hapless radicals is the university administration itself. “I’m as baffled as you are... it looks like butter, it tastes like butter, but it says it’s not butter!” Aptman exclaimed while presenting a carton of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” to the reporters present. After a pause, Aptman continued, “I can see you’re all just as incredulous as I am.”
Accompanying Aptman at the press conference were UT Dean of Defense Charlie Balding and Dean of Espionage Maurice Grossman. Dean of Deli-Sandwiches Rob Dindefort also fielded questions, stating, “Look, we all acknowledge mistakes were made, and there are things this university could improve. We’re very excited about adding three more Subways, a Jason’s Deli, Jimmy John’s, Schlotzsky’s, Firehouse Subs, two more Quiznos, a Blimpie, and a Macalaster’s Deli to the new addition to the UC. There are things this university does poorly, like counter-terrorism, class scheduling, modern art, maintaining the ratio of big ideas to big orange, wireless internet, providing legal options for parking, traffic on game days, football, cafeteria food, pest control, the weather...” It was at this point when this reporter exited the press conference for a smoke, and upon returning to the room twenty minutes later transcribed the remainder of Dindefort’s comments. “...and sometimes I forget to refill the Brita pitcher and so the next time I want water I have to wait 30 seconds and it’s not as cold as it would have been. BUT,” he concluded – finally, “there are things we do well, like... deli sandwiches.”
When pressed for comment after the conference, Associate Provost of Counter-Terrorism Rex Tex McGee revealed the most startling revelation of all: “The terrorists called us shortly before detonation – they were worried that they had the wrong place.” According to Panky, the entire department was just impressed that the terrorists had even gotten as far with the ‘plan’ as they had – albeit halfway across the globe from their actual target. “They were very agitated, explaining how upset they’d be if they’d screwed up the location. Frankly their whining was getting annoying. We thought if we just told them they had the right place they’d end up tripping over themselves and just going home. You can imagine our surprise when the garage actually went down.”
A structure-fault analysis performed after the destruction of the structure revealed that the nincompoops had inadvertently driven into a load-bearing wall while trying to move their vehicle into position. Position for what is still unclear, as the radicals had no explosives of any kind, nor had they brought any kind of demolition equipment with them. The subjects escaped the wreckage relatively unharmed in what officials call “a marked continuation of sheer dumb luck which calls into question the very core of Darwin’s mantra of ‘survival of the fittest.’”
Since the leak of the report, the extremists have been cleared to speak with the press. “We’re being kept here in these comfy rooms – it’s like the whole floor is a sofa! And the walls is too!” said one of the incarcerated dipsticks. “They’re not insane, just really, really stupid,” said warden John Johnny Johnson of the Knoxville Sanitarium. “It’s just better this way.”
by Señor Ducky
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