Jimmy Cheek Dines with Students to "Connect with Humans"

Chancellor Jimmy Cheek dined with students in the dining halls in the University Center this week in an effort to better familiarize himself with “human beings.” Between enjoying hot bowls of an un-determined red liquid, Cheek walked through the dining halls engaging in conversation, inspecting human food, and frowning.

The visit is a part of UT’s new re-branding project Big Orange, Big Ideas. The ambiguous marketing scheme is probably supposed to do something, but at this point and time, no one really knows what it does.

Cheek’s lunch inhabiting was spurred from a chain of Big Orange Big Ideas, starting with the suggestion for a suggestion box to be placed in dorms and dining halls, allowing students to express their feelings on how to better enable their learning environment. After sorting through the genitalia drawings, the UTK board of directors found various ideas that students felt needed to be done to make UTK a top 25 school on some poll everybody keeps talking about. You know, that one with the schools and numbers.

This led to the Supreme Chancellor’s decision to mingle with various human beings to learn from their ways, and better emulate their behavior so as to cast a false sense of similarity. However, most students just didn’t seem to feel at home with the being.

“I don’t know man. There’s something off about that guy,” said junior Tom Haverford. “There’s just something weird about the way he walks so slow, and his eyes seem to be just a little darker than normal; and the way he snapped that one girls neck and drank her spinal fluid…..just seemed a little weird. Everybody kind of hung their heads hoping he wouldn’t approach them.”

“I AM YOUR CHANCELLOR. I WILL EAT FOOD. YOU WILL WATCH ME EAT FOOD. FOOD WILL BE EATEN. THEY WILL DIE.”, retorted the Supreme One, inexplicably speaking in all caps.

The board hopes to enact more of the student’s ideas through this campaign, including lifting the price on all sporting events, providing certain classrooms with iPads, and replacing the stairs on the hill with a privately owned mule transportation system.

“We’re really excited about this new transportation system.”, said transportation head Nick Stanley. “Everyone knows the hardest thing about life is walking up the stairs on the hill. The mules will supply both an easier daily task for thousands of students, but it will also instill great culture into Tennessee’s already diverse community.” Stanley added, “Even Dark Lord Jimmy seems to be on board with this plan. He keeps muttering something about how mules are tasty. That guy’s kind of weird, right?”

The Supreme Being Cheek, however, has reportedly been quite disgruntled with some of the other ideas being proposed. Having destroyed the “incompetent” souls of three department chairs thus far, Cheek declared Tuesday in a press conference that, “INCOMPETENCE WILL NOT BE ALLOWED. WE MUST CUT OUT THE WRONG DOINGS OF OUR ENEMIES. THE GREAT DARK LORD SHALL NOT TOLERATE TRIVIAL PURSUITS. THEY WILL ALL BOW TO ROCKY TOP. ROCKY TOP. ROCKY TOP.”

Cheek is expected to enter a period of hibernation next week which will bring peace and good will to the world until his awakening Dec. 21 2012.

by Richard Simmons